Klara and the Sun(77)
‘Just a minute, Rick,’ Mr Vance said. ‘I’m wanting to help you. But I think it’s time we gave your mother a chance to explain herself.’
For several seconds none of them spoke. I looked towards Diner Manager, wondering if he had been listening, but he was staring out into the darkness beyond his windows, with no sign of having heard anything that interested him.
‘I admit,’ Miss Helen said, ‘I behaved badly towards you, Vance. I accept that. But then I behaved badly towards myself, towards everybody. You mustn’t feel singled out. My awfulness was universally distributed.’
‘That may be so. But I wasn’t just everybody. We’d been sharing a life for five years…’
‘Yes. And I do so want to apologize. Sometimes, Vance – and Rick too, I don’t mind saying this in front of you – I often wish I could line up all the people, everyone I’ve treated shabbily, have them all in a long line. Then I’d work my way along it, you know, the way a monarch might. One by one, shake each person’s hand, look each one in the eye and say, I’m so sorry, wasn’t I awful.’
‘Fantastic. So now I have to stand in line. For the honor of receiving her majesty’s apology.’
‘Oh dear, that came out badly. I’m just trying to express how…how I feel. I know it sounds dreadful when you put it like that. But when I look back on things, it’s so overwhelming, and I think, if only there could be some sort of solution like that. If I was a queen, then yes, I could…’
‘Mum, really, I know what you’re trying to say. But maybe this isn’t the best way…’
‘Once you were a kind of queen, Helen. A beautiful queen. And you thought you could do whatever you wished with impunity. I’m kind of sad, but kind of glad too. To see you didn’t get away with it. That it’s caught up with you and you’ve had to pay a price after all.’
‘And what price have I paid, Vance? Do you refer to my being poor? Because I don’t mind that so much, you know.’
‘You may not mind being poor, Helen. But you’ve become fragile. And I think you mind that a whole lot more.’
Miss Helen was silent for several further seconds while Mr Vance kept staring at her with big eyes. Finally she said: ‘Yes. You’re right. Since the days you knew me, I’ve become…fragile. So fragile that I’m liable to break into pieces in a puff of wind. I lost my beauty, not to the years but to this fragility. But Vance, dear Vance. Won’t you forgive me now at least partially? Won’t you help my son? Vance. I’d offer you everything, anything, but there’s nothing I can think to offer you. Nothing at all, other than this pleading. So I’m begging you, Vance, to help him.’
‘Mum, please. Stop this. There’s no way…’
‘You see my difficulty, Rick. I don’t quite know what it is your mother’s referring to here. She says she wants to apologize, but about what? It’s all so broad. I think maybe this will work better, Helen, if we get down to specifics.’
‘I’m just asking you to help my son, Vance. Isn’t that specific enough?’
‘Specifics, Helen. For example, that evening at Miles Martin’s house. You know the evening I refer to.’
‘Yes, yes. When I told them all that you’d not yet read the Jenkins Report…’
‘You earned yourself a big laugh at my expense for that one, Helen. And you knew what you were doing…’
‘Then Vance, I apologize about that evening. I was out of control, I was vindictive. I wish…’
‘Another specific. No order, I’m working down the list randomly. That voicemail you left me in that hotel. In Portland, Oregon. You think that wasn’t hurtful?’
‘It was very hurtful. It was a despicable message and I haven’t forgotten it. I…I hear it in my mind even now, it invades me when I least expect it. I have a quiet moment to myself, then there I am, in my mind, picking up the phone and leaving you that message all over again, except this time I change it. I edit it so that it’s not quite so awful. Because I never actually heard it myself, only heard myself saying it, I feel sometimes it’s not too late to amend it. I can’t help it, it’s a trick my mind plays and then I feel so dreadful all over again. Believe me, Vance, I’ve punished myself about that message so much. And you must appreciate, in those days, I didn’t know how you technically erase a message once you’ve left one…’
‘Mum, stop. Sir? I don’t think this is doing my mother much good. She’s been great recently, but…’
Miss Helen touched Rick’s arm to silence him. ‘Vance, I’m apologizing,’ she went on. ‘I’m pleading. I’m saying I behaved badly towards you and if you like, I’ll vow to you that I’ll punish myself and keep punishing myself until I’ve made it up to you.’
‘Mum, let’s go. This isn’t good for you.’
‘If you wish, Vance, we can arrange to meet again. Let’s say in two years’ time in this very place. Then you could check to see I’ve been keeping my promise. You could look me over and check that I’ve been punishing myself properly…’
‘That’s enough, Helen. If Rick wasn’t here, I’d tell you what I think of that.’