Gentleman Nine(65)
“That doesn’t surprise me.”
She sipped her eggnog and seemed to be observing me. “I have to admit…I’m a little concerned about your well-being.”
“You and me both.” I sighed and reached for one of the cookies she’d brought.
“What I mean is…you seem very numb, like you haven’t really even begun to process everything. You’ve avoided talking about how you’re feeling about either one of them. I know it’s complicated, but at some point, you’re going to have to face it, talk about it.”
I was quite aware of the fact that I was in denial. It was intentional because any time I would think about either one of them I’d burst into tears. Denial was my strategy for getting through the day so that I could function for the kids and for Milo. As soon as I stopped denying what was happening, the pain would creep in.
Like now.
“I let that man go back to Chicago without telling him that I loved him because he told me he didn’t want to hear it. There was so much I needed to say to him, and nothing would come out. I’ve been the same way with Rory. He’s been calling me, and I don’t know what to say or do. So, I’ve been bottling everything up. I feel so much for both of them. I love both of them. And I’m hurting for both of them for different reasons. The truth is, I’ve been in denial because this is the most heartache I’ve ever felt in my life. Apparently, love multiplied is nothing but pain. And I’m scared it’s going to kill me.” I let out the longest breath and downed some of the eggnog. It felt like I’d just unloaded a heavy weight off my chest.
“Well, congratulations…in talking about bottling it up, you’ve managed to let some of it out.”
“You tricked me.” I smiled. Closing my eyes, I decided to divulge a little more. “Channing and I had sex right before he left. Like literally seconds before. We hadn’t been sleeping together since the night I went to Rory’s, but we both just lost it at the last moment. It was crazy…and passionate. And it broke my heart, because I also knew a part of him felt like that moment might have been it for us.”
Annabelle looked like she was going to cry. “That’s so sad and romantic at the same time.”
“I miss him so much,” I whispered.
“With each day, as the shock of all of this wears off, you’ll begin to figure it out. You’re going to still love both of them. But your love for one of them will shine a little brighter. And you’ll just know. Your confused state right now is like a giant cloud of smoke. But it’s temporary. When the smoke clears, only one man will be standing there.”
I exhaled. “Yeah.”
“By the way, do you know how lucky you are to have two good men who love you? Some women wait their whole lives just to be loved one time, by one man.”
“Yeah, well, I’d gladly give up this predicament if it meant that someone I love didn’t have to get hurt.”
***
After Annabelle left, it felt strange to be alone on Christmas Eve. This was the first time I’d ever experienced it. I’d always celebrated with either my parents or Rory.
I normally would have been in Chicago, or my folks would have come here, but this was the one year they’d planned a trip to England for the holidays. Of course, I was previously fine with that, thinking that Channing would be here.
Somehow all of the lights in my place were off. So preoccupied, I’d missed sundown altogether, and this was the first instance I became conscious of sitting in the dark.
Walking over to the window, I admired the lights decorating the building across the street. People were rushing down the sidewalk, likely trying to get their last-minute shopping done or in a hurry to make it home to their family parties. My loneliness was starting to feel overwhelming.
When I returned to the couch, I decided to go on Instagram to see if Channing had posted anything. My heart nearly melted upon the sight of a photo of his mother. She had tinsel on her head and was smiling wide. It made me sad that I wasn’t there with them. Channing had edited the photo so that everything was in black and white except for the red tinsel. I knew he was really trying to cherish moments like that with Christine. It was simply beautiful.
After staring through Channing’s older photos for a while, I decided to go down the line of usual people I stalk on IG. One of them was Channing’s ex, Emily. She’d liked one of his posts once, so I kept a note of her profile, which was public. Stalking her was sweet torture.
Tonight, though, I almost wished I hadn’t gone to her page. The most recent post was of a huge Christmas tree that seemed to be in the middle of downtown. Except it wasn’t downtown Boston. It was downtown Chicago.
The caption read: Christmas in Chicago.
Chicago?
She was in Chicago? Her family lived in Massachusetts. Why would she be there if not to visit Channing? My heart was thundering in my chest.
I knew that given the circumstances, it was unfair of me to feel so angry about this, but I couldn’t help it. He was very likely feeling vulnerable right now, and she would be there to take advantage, to lick his wounds—among other things.
Sweat was permeating my body. Channing and I were supposed to talk over the phone at eight, but I didn’t feel I could wait to call him. I felt like I had to know whether she was there with him.
I picked up the phone, and my finger hovered over his name.