Fallen Woman(59)

My teeth dragged across my top lip as I bit it, wondering how I could phrase the rest without sending him into a fit of rage. “I remember him sliding off the couch and kneeling between my legs. And then, he hooked his hands behind my knees to drag my body closer to him…but I don’t remember anything after that.”

Jase’s eyes were a strange gray color. I’d always loved them from the first time I’d seen him, but tonight, I watched them change colors like storm clouds rolling in, the sky darkening, and lightening crashing through the irises. The electricity, the anger…it radiated off him, but he clenched his jaw and held his tongue. I still hadn’t answered his question, and we both knew it. The scar above his brow seemed to glow as the rest of his skin darkened with suppressed rage.

A low rumble began in his throat, and I could feel the vibrations through every part of me still touching him. “Why were you in the hospital?” It was the last time he’d ask before he went for the letter. I knew him; he was done playing games. I couldn’t hold him back.

“I woke up at home, in my bed, fully clothed…the next morning.” The lump in my throat made it hard to speak, and my voice was muffled to a mere whisper. “Every part of my body hurt like I’d been on the roughest bender ever. I got up to use the restroom, and it hurt to pee. There were marks all over my body.” I didn’t go into details—he could use his imagination. “I put the clothes back on and went to the hospital and asked them to do a rape kit.” I wasn’t sure he even heard that last sentence it was so softly spoken. I was embarrassed and ashamed. I felt like all my confessions to Jase made me look weak and lacking in character.

“And you found Pearl when you came home to get the kids?”

Chewing on my lip, I nodded confirmation.

He got up abruptly, almost knocking me off the bed. I watched as he paced—no, stalked—around the room, pulling his hair and muttering to himself. Just as I thought he was about to speak, he roared the most guttural sound I’d ever heard and landed a fist through the drywall in his room. I cringed, but he wasn’t done. The other hand slid across the dresser, knocking everything on the floor. With my arms wrapped tightly around my legs, I pulled myself into the smallest ball I could manage and started rocking, hoping it would end sooner rather than later.

The moment he caught sight of me through his rage, he stilled. His chest heaved from exertion, and the scratches on his arms were tinted with drops of blood. I knew he’d react this way—that’s why I hadn’t wanted to tell him. I couldn’t prove anything. It was all speculation.

In three quick steps, he was on me, tugging me to him, cradling me in his arms. “Baby, I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. I promised you’d be safe with them, and you’ve been mugged and…” His voice dropped off, unable to speak the word. I didn’t need him to. “Are you pressing charges?”

I shook my head. “I don’t remember what happened, Jase.” I let out a deep sigh. Not wanting to admit more, but I knew I had to. It wasn’t fair for Holland to take all the blame when I was at fault. “After he gave me the wine, I remember thinking he was a good-looking man. I remember thinking if I’d met him before I’d met you, I could’ve fallen for him, but you ruined anything that could have been. But it’s possible I didn’t stop his advances.” I was mortified by my admission and still hadn’t told him the worst part. “For all I know, I encouraged them. It’s been years since a man’s touched me. I’m lonely, Jase, and I don’t remember telling him no.”

“Do you remember telling him yes?” His voice was unrecognizable. Gone was that smooth drawl that could lull me to sleep at night, and it was replaced by a smug irritation.

“No. I didn’t take my clothes off.”

“Is there anything else you can tell me?”

I stared at the bed and picked at a pill.

“Gia?” The sadness in his voice broke my heart.

“There were traces of Rohypnol in my urine when I went to the hospital.”

“The date rape drug?”

I couldn’t meet his face. I knew I’d caused this. I’d led him to believe it was okay. I’d accepted a large sum of money once before, and I’d done so that night as well, even if I hadn’t been aware of it.

“Jase, I have to be completely honest with you, so you have all the information before you make a judgment call about any of this.”

“Just tell me—I don’t think I can take much more. When was the last time you talked to Holland?”

“That night. He hasn’t contacted me since.” I risked looking into the eyes of the man I loved, even if he wasn’t aware of my feelings for him. I owed him the respect of eye contact when I told him what I’d done. “Several months ago, Holland and I went out. I don’t remember which function it was. We’d been drinking heavily and dancing. He ended up calling someone to drive us home.” I had to get through this quickly. “He told me you’d never be interested in me and essentially offered himself as an alternative. I was drunk, and when he touched me, it felt good. A little petting turned into me hearing his zipper come down.”

He cringed, but I refused to move my line of sight. If he pulled away, so be it, but I was woman enough to own up to my end of this.

“Before I knew it, I’d gone down on him.” I was repulsed, but it was honest.