Confessions of a Curious Bookseller(42)
Fawn, Owner
P.S. Sometimes Butterscotch likes to sleep in the basement and drink from the pipes. I believe he is playing survivor cat and merely imagining that he is living off the land that is the unfurnished basement. If this bothers you, then perhaps you should merely stay away from him?
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Wed, Jan 16, 2019 at 1:13 PM
To: Twain Estates
Subject: Business Opportunity?
To the estate of Mark Twain:
It has been over a week, and I have not heard back from you regarding my proposition. I understand how busy you must be as the estate of Mark Twain. I do not know how many of you there are, but I only need one individual to assist. If you do not reply, you are actually throwing money away. You might as well put eight grand in an envelope and burn it. I hear burning money is illegal, however, so I do not encourage it but only use it as an example of the madness of your decisions. If someone were to make me an equivalent offer, I would buy a first-class ticket and be there in a flash—though I assume a first-class airline ticket can be about eight grand, so I would probably ride coach with the bourgeoisie and live off the complimentary airline food to make it as profitable a journey as possible. If you go this route, I recommend putting any handouts in your pockets and saving them for later, because that way if you are hungry around dinnertime you need only to pull them out and save yourself the price of a meal at a restaurant. That is, if you must fly to get here. I personally love the train myself. Anything invented after 1900 reeks of mass industry and sameness. After the Victorian era, the world unquestionably began to fall apart; don’t you agree?
Awaiting your reply!
Best,
Fawn
Kyle Krazinsky/CuriousCatBooks/5m
Just finished Anna Karenina. Good except for Levin getting all weirdly religious at the end. #letdown #wtf
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Wed, Jan 16, 2019 at 2:40 PM
To: Staff
Subject: Books
Kyle,
Writing Parrot posts about books in-store that you dislike is also not a good idea. I don’t understand how this is such a difficult concept for all of you! Are you intentionally trying to undermine this project? I would honestly wonder this if I didn’t know that you all truly care so much and are really trying to help. For that I thank you, but I think I’ll need to take over. Some of us need to go to business school to have good sense, some of us are born with it, and some will simply never grasp the concept.
Fawn, Owner
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Thu, Jan 17, 2019 at 8:17 AM
To: Staff
Subject: ATTENTION REQUIRED
Dear Staff,
Will somebody please explain why I walked downstairs this morning to find the Philly Small Biz Journal open to a glowing article about the Grumpy Mug Bookstop on the counter for all customers to see? And then, to make matters even worse, on top of it a steaming to-go mug of coffee with a Grumpy Mug insulator jacket advertising our competitor!? When we have coffee here? Folgers, no less? There are two mugs I desperately never want to see first thing in the morning: their coffee mug and his bearded hippie face.
And to think I was considering giving you all raises. One of you better fess up to this, or you will all be equally to blame for this transgression. We are supposed to be like a supportive family, not a bunch of Judases!
This article is full of falsehoods anyway. This writer states that “the Grumpy Mug Bookstop has revitalized a neighborhood where before there was no reason to set foot on the street except to get a check cashed or to cross over to Clark Park.” If they are trying to insult me, they are doing a fine job. Crediting HIM for gentrifying the neighborhood? Mark, who looks more like a criminal himself with his tattoos and creepy affection for his cats?
Please come to me by noon today, and I will forgive the guilty party. If no one comes to me, then you can forget your raises.
Fawn, Owner
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Thu, Jan 17, 2019 at 1:32 PM
To: Mark Nilsen
Subject: Bold Tactics
Dear Mark,
It’s interesting to me the level to which you choose to stoop just because you happen to be a little threatened by my store, which unlike yours is a neighborhood staple and has as much of a foothold in Philadelphia as the Liberty Bell. I understand the stressful feeling you must have, being in competition with me day to day, but that is no excuse for your behavior. My employees came to me and unanimously said that you showed up this morning, placed your article open on our checkout counter along with a steaming mug of your coffee, and left without a word.
I feel the need to explain to you that, though the article paints you in a Jesus-like light, you and your business do not threaten me. So, please refrain from using guerilla tactics to undermine my store and steal my customers. If you are really as successful as the papers claim you to be, don’t you have better things to do?
Sincerely,
Fawn Birchill, Owner, The Curious Cat Book Emporium (a The Adventures of Tom Sawyer specialist store)
From: Mark Nilsen
Sent: Thu, Jan 17, 2019 at 2:45 PM
To: Fawn Birchill
Re: Bold Tactics
Hi Fawn,
I walked in to say hello and to see if you were there, but they said you were out. Then I got a call from my little brother about something important, so I took the call outside. It was an emergency, so I went back to the store, completely forgetting my stuff. And for the record, I certainly didn’t leave it open to that page. One of your employees must have been leafing through it and never closed it back up.