Chaos and Control(64)

Climbing the stairs to the apartment, I press my hand to Preston’s door and wonder where he is. As much as I like him, as much as I want him, I don’t know if we could ever work. Maybe we’re too different to be together—polar opposites attracted like magnets. He is an anchor to this place, weighing me down with his perfect words and praising lips. We want contradictory lives. I need change and adventure. He thrives on routine and order. He seems happy to make furniture, eat at the diner, and live out the rest of his days in this town. Just the idea of that feels suffocating.

The moment I enter Bennie’s apartment, her phone starts ringing. The sound kickstarts my heart into overdrive and fills my stomach with dread. I know I’ve got to go. I don’t belong here. I never did. My sister survived fine without me, and so will Preston. I can’t think about the what-ifs. I can’t think about anything but putting this town behind me to keep everyone safe.

I ignore the continuous ringing of the phone and hurry into my room, throwing some clothes and shoes in my bag. I dig out the cash I have stashed away and throw that in, too. After strapping on my boots, I make my way through the kitchen with determination. At the last minute, I grab a photo of me and Bennie from the fridge and tuck it into my pocket. When the door clicks closed behind me, I lean against it and exhale. Tears fill my eyes as a heavy crushing weight pulls at my back, trying to tie me down to this home.

My brain teeters back and forth between what I truly want and what I think is right. Inside, I know I don’t want to leave. I want Preston and Bennie. I want days with my sister and nights with that man. I want to talk Bennie into getting matching tattoos. I want Preston to let me love him.

I want to stay.

I spin, beating and kicking at the door. The loud thud of my boot and fists against the wood echoes down the hall. My fingers claw at the painted wood, and I rest my forehead next to the silver letter A attached below the peep hole. It matches the B on Preston’s door. This is his doing.

I trace the letter with my index finger, leaving behind smudges on the shiny metal. The phone rings inside Bennie’s apartment again. Dylan’s menacing voice echoes in my head as I step away from the door. I tug my bag up onto my shoulder and take a deep breath. Don’t overthink this. Just go.

I head down the stairs, keeping my eyes on the ground. Moving quickly past the store, I force myself out the back door, flinching when it slams behind me.

“Wren?”

Preston’s voice fills my heart with hope and dread simultaneously. I turn to face him and in the setting summer sun, he is so beautiful. His skin appears bronze, and his questioning eyes look like honey. I tell myself to go, just leave. But my feet don’t listen.

“Going somewhere?” There is accusation to his tone. It locks me in place.

Suddenly, my boots are the most interesting thing to see. I don’t even look up when I answer him.

“I’m leaving.”

“Because you feel like you have to?” He drops the cardboard box he was crushing and steps toward me.

“Because I want to,” I reply. Preston takes another step toward me. I retreat.

“You’re lying. For someone who has honesty at the top of her list, you sure are good at lying to yourself.”

I finally raise my gaze to his before looking toward the sunset. “If Dylan comes here and I’m gone, he’ll just move on.”

“And what?” he asks. “You’ll run forever? Put us all in your rearview mirror and never look back?”

“It’s going to happen one day anyway.”

“What about your sister, Wren? You can’t leave her again.”

“She did okay without me the first time,” I say, wrapping my fist around the strap of my bag. I try to keep my voice level and calm, to solidify that I believe the things I’m saying. Preston closes the distance between us. I press my back to the brick wall, out of room.

“What about me?” he asks.

My eyes meet his, and I can’t stand all the expectation I see there.

“Better to end whatever we have now, Preston. I mean, we’re incompatible. Right?” I look out at the sunset and use every bit of strength I have to keep from crumbling into his arms. “I want… Well, I want adventure. Not this town. I want to explore the world. You want to build your own. Here. In Crowley. I just can’t do that.”

“That’s bullshit. You’re afraid.”

I turn back to him, my mouth open. He stands tall, shoulders square, challenging me.

“I’m not scared of Dylan,” I reply, adjusting my bag.

“Not of Dylan, of me. You’re afraid of needing someone. You’re afraid of being nailed down—not only to this town, but to another human being. You’re so scared of missing out on adventure, that you’re ignoring the one right here in front of you.”

My teeth press into my bottom lip as I absorb his words. I shake my head, but I know that they’re true, because they hurt. I’ve been proud and independent, trying to prove that I can take care of myself. But I’ve also been worried that needing someone would make me weak, that staying in one place too long would make me grow roots. Now I realize I do have roots, but not to this town, to Bennie. And Preston. Like the sculpture, I am a part of him, no matter where that is.

“Stay, Wren.”

Tears finally escape and run down my cheeks. I feel the air cool my face as Preston watches and waits.