Chaos and Control(67)

“You will lose me. And you will survive it. You will go on and do great things with your life, kid. I just know it.”

We sit in the quiet of her room. Bennie soothes me as I get my sniffles under control. When I can finally breathe again, I bombard her with questions about her sickness, her symptoms, and what we can expect. Bennie is patient, answering everything she can. I hear her words, but my brain is slow to process their meaning. All I can focus on is that my sister is dying. My Bennie.

When I zone out, Bennie rests her hand on my knee and gives me a shake.

“I’m listening. I swear I am.”

“I know you are. But it’s a lot of information at one time.”

“Do Mom and Dad know?”

Bennie looks up at the ceiling with a sigh. “Yes.”

I try not to feel betrayed by this. I’ve been gone, and she had no one. Still the sting feels sharp in my chest.

Bennie chuckles and meets my eyes. “It was a moment of weakness. I thought about dying with all that anger and resentment still in me and decided I didn’t want to carry that burden anymore.”

“How’d it go? When you told them.”

“As expected. There was lots of praying. Of course, that was after Mother recited all the passages about the misled and asking for forgiveness.”

“Of course,” I say. “Do you feel at peace with them now? Did it help?”

“Yes. I feel at peace with a lot of things now,” Bennie answers. She runs her index finger across my cheek, wiping away a stray tear.

“I know you were lying about Laney,” I say.

She nods and takes a deep breath, blowing it out toward the ceiling. “I was trying some experimental natural treatments, but it’s no longer necessary.”

Those words cause a new ache in my heart, but I push it down to be strong for her. I look at the clock on her nightstand and realize it’s earlier than I thought.

“You came home early.”

“Preston came to get me at The Haystack. He told me what happened and brought me back here.” I pull my knees up and wrap my arms around them, hiding my face in the space between. “He’s so worried about you, Wren.”

“I don’t care.”

“You can lie to yourself, but don’t lie to me. I know you care. I feel like Preston is the first thing you’ve cared about in a long time.”

“He should have told me,” I insist.

“I asked him not to.”

I shake my head. “He should have told me.”

“I put him in a tough position. It’s my fault. Please talk to him when you’re feeling up to it.” I don’t promise anything. “Come on. Let’s get you to bed.”

I allow Bennie to pull me up and guide me to my room. She tucks me in to bed and retrieves a wet washcloth from the bathroom. Wiping my face, Bennie hums and smiles down at me. I feel like a kid again with her taking care of me. It shouldn’t be this way. I should be taking care of her.

“Good night, Wren.”

“Good night, Bennie. I love you.”

“I love you, too. Catch you on the flip side.”

The door clicks closed, and I take a deep breath, exhaling in a slow, measured sigh. I know nothing of cancer, but I know Bennie. I know that when she says she won’t do chemotherapy, she means it. While I want to rage and thrash against that decision, it would do no good. Still, something in me wants to fight for my sister.

I stare at my ceiling for hours, feeling numb and pained at the same time. Nirvana’s “All Apologies” comes through my wall from Preston’s apartment, and I know it’s for me. I sing along, letting my anger and hurt consume me. Finally, I close my eyes and drift off to sleep.

…

Wednesday morning, I’m exhausted—muscles ache and my head is pounding. The truth from last night rushes me, and it feels like a punch to the gut all over again. My morning routine is slow, purposely putting off seeing Bennie and Preston in the light of day. I force myself through a shower, brushing my teeth, getting dressed, and eating breakfast without one thought about my actions. I am on autopilot.

I stand at the bottom of the stairs for a few minutes. I can hear the music playing in the store. It’s something light and airy, something I don’t recognize. I hear the door chime twice while I’m standing in the shadows like a coward. There is some shuffling in the storage closet, and I step away from the door, pressing myself to the opposite wall. I can hear heavy footsteps and the moving of boxes. I know it’s Preston, and I can’t make myself face him yet.

When I hear the sound of the swinging door, I enter the closet and push through to the store. There are two customers browsing the stacks. Preston is unloading boxes on the first aisle. I don’t look at him, but in my periphery I can tell he stops what he’s doing to watch me. I grab a small chair from the furniture section and carry it up to the front register. I don’t meet Bennie’s eyes, either, when I slide behind the front counter and drop the chair right next to hers.

“Good morning, Wren,” Bennie offers. I give her a weak smile. “What are you doing?”

“I’m going to hang out with you until you get tired of me.”

“I’ll never get tired of you.”

“Then I’ll never leave.”

Bennie sighs, closes her book, and sweeps my bangs to the side of my forehead. She doesn’t complain about my new place next to her. She simply stands and pats me on the shoulder when she gets up to help a customer. Even though I see Preston moving around the store, I keep my eyes contained to our area behind the register. It’s safe in here. He gives me my space all morning, which is more than I expect. I’m grateful for it.