Chaos and Control(66)
“Wren?” It’s Preston. He’s wearing his jeans and nothing else. Seeing me on the floor, he rushes to my side. “What is it? What’s wrong?”
I hold the book up toward him and point at it. “Cancer. Bennie has cancer.”
Preston lets out a deep sigh and sits on the floor beside me. He pulls me into his lap and rubs large sweeping circles on my back. The warmth of his skin against mine soothes me until I can calm my breathing.
“Now you see why I couldn’t let you leave?”
A flash of rage burns red behind my closed eyes, a sudden jolt to my brain. I push away from Preston and stare up into his worried face.
“You knew?” I ask.
“Bennie asked me not to tell you.”
I jump from his lap, stumbling. I scramble to my feet and throw the book across the room.
“You fucking knew, and you didn’t tell me?”
Preston stands and approaches like I’m a wild animal, his hands raised in front of him, palms pointing at me.
“She said she would tell you,” he insists.
“How bad is it?” I yell. He looks at his feet and back at my face. “How bad? Tell me!”
“She refused chemo. She’s dying, Wren.”
I let out a wail that doesn’t reach my own ears. My head spins, my knees give out, and I hit the floor hard. Preston reaches for me, trying to coax me back into his arms. The feel of his hands breaks me.
“Don’t fucking touch me! You knew, and you didn’t tell me! How could you do that, Preston?” The anger is shredding me from the inside out. I want to give in to the pain and let it take me.
“Wren, I…I wanted to. It wasn’t my place. Bennie begged me not to say anything. She was very specific. She made me promise, Wren.” His normally deep voice is strained and faltering. I can’t hear anymore.
“Get out!” I scream.
“Wren. I’m sorry,” he pleads. I don’t even look at him.
“Go, Preston!”
“Please,” he begs. I barely hear it above the whirring and pounding in my head. The fury inside me is the only thing I feel. I need him gone.
“GO!”
I press my cheek to the floor and let the sobs pour out of me. I don’t see him, but I can tell when he’s gone. All the light is absent, all the comfort disappeared. I’m left with my tears and feelings of betrayal. They are all I have, so I cling to them.
I’ve chased her sunset
Across the world
And now it is night
A punishment
By my own doing
Justified in my
Hell of darkness
No longer in orbit
The air too thin
The space too vast
I flounder out of control
Spiraling, spinning
Until I am too dizzy
To recognize
Myself
- Preston
Chapter Twenty
If You’re Feeling Sinister
Tears have painted my face and dried. I feel glued to the floor, and if I move, I might crumble into a million pieces. The sound of the front door opening and closing makes me jump. Slow, deliberate footsteps, too soft to be Preston’s, approach. Finally, I open my eyes to see Bennie’s hemp sandals.
“I’m sorry,” she says. Her voice is soft and placating, and I don’t like it. I close my eyes and try to wish this moment away. When I open them, she’s taking a seat in front of me on the floor, her gauzy skirt settling around her.
“I was diagnosed less than a year ago. Stage four. I didn’t want chemo, Wren. Pumping all those poisons into my body just seemed wrong. I filled the prescriptions and never took them.”
“Why?” I try to say, but my voice fails. I swallow and push myself from the floor. Sitting up, I lean against the side of her bed and try again. “Why?”
“You know me, kid. I don’t want that. I tried to fight it with diet and holistic treatments. It helped with the symptoms for a while. But a week ago, they said it’s gotten so much worse. The cancer has spread to my lymph nodes and my lungs.”
New tears fall, and I pull my bottom lip between my teeth to keep it from trembling. “Why didn’t you do the damn chemo, Bennie? Why can’t you do it now?”
She lays her hand on my knee. “It’s too late, sweetheart.”
I shake my head until I feel dizzy. “No, no, no. It’s not too late. I don’t accept that.”
“I’m afraid it is. They have no idea how much time I have left, but it’s not much. I can feel it, you know? I can feel it taking over my body.”
I let out a sob and throw myself at her. Bennie wraps me in her thin arms and shushes my crying.
“Why didn’t you tell me, Ben? Why did you do that?”
“I didn’t want you to feel guilty for leaving. And I didn’t want to stop you from leaving again, not with cancer. If you stayed in Crowley, I wanted it to be because you wanted to. Not because you felt trapped by your dying sister.”
There’s a lump in my throat, an aching in my chest. My whole body trembles from trying to hold it together. Bennie takes my face in her hands and swipes her thumbs under my eyes. She gives me a smile that only doubles my pain.
“You’re my everything, Bennie. I can’t lose you.”