Chaos and Control(69)

For the rest of the day, I regale Bennie with stories from my three years away. We laugh at some adventures and cry at others. I tell her about people I met, the good and the bad. Sometimes Bennie cringes over a particularly dangerous situation, but I try to keep things light. Of course, Dylan wasn’t my first bad encounter on the road, but he was the one who broke me. He was the one who sent me running home for sanctuary.

“Why haven’t we done this sooner?” I ask, flipping over a postcard from Nashville and reading the back.

“Who knows? We’ve been distracted,” Bennie says.

I watch Bennie flip through page after page of organized postcards. “I’m sorry I was so focused on Preston, Ben. I should have made more time for you.”

Bennie sweeps my bangs to the side and pats my cheek. “No worries, kid.”

And just like that, I feel better. That’s the best part of Bennie. She means what she says. Even after her recent lies, I can always trust that. It’s in the tone of her voice, the look in her eyes. It’s the way her mouth curls up on one side when she tells me not to worry. It’s sharing a part of her peace, and I embrace it.

Around noon, Bennie and I are in a heated debate over our favorite Radiohead album when Preston approaches the counter. I keep my eyes on the ground, my arms crossed over my chest.

“I’m going to go to lunch,” he says, running a hand through his hair. The same hand slides into his pocket and out again, before adjusting his shirt collar. He is like a beautiful sunset or a horrific accident, demanding my attention.

“Okay, Preston. See you in an hour,” Bennie says.

He hovers for a second, shifting back and forth. “Would either of you like something from Boone’s? I mean, would you like anything to eat from Boone’s? I could get you something. If you’d like.” Each time he says it, Preston emphasizes a different word in the sentence. It’s like he’s not satisfied with how it sounds and tries again.

I look at my feet and shake my head, silently begging Bennie to answer him. “We’re fine, hon. Thanks.”

The door chimes a few seconds later, and I know he is gone. I look to the front window and see his large form stop at the sidewalk. He looks up and down the street. Just catching that small glimpse of his profile sends a flutter through my chest. It’s been one day, and I already miss him. I watch his back as he crosses the street and disappears around the corner.

“You’re being unfair,” Bennie says.

“He lied to me. You both did.”

“Then why aren’t you angry with me?”

I turn to her now. She looks more like the old Bennie, hand on her hip, expectant look on her face.

“I am angry with you; mad as hell. But I don’t know how much time I have left with you. I don’t have the luxury of wasting any of that time being mad.”

Bennie takes a seat next to me, knocking my shoulder with hers. “None of us know how much time we have left, Wren. Do you really want to spend another day away from him? Do you want to devote that much energy into denying what is so obvious? You two belong together. I never thought it was possible, but you’ve met your match, Wren Hart.”

“I can’t forgive him, Bennie.”

“Not even for me?” she asks, batting her lashes.

“Are you playing the dying sister card right now? Really?”

“Too soon?”

We both laugh, though it is empty and stabs at my heart in the worst way.





Too much

The emptiness is

Too much

I thought I knew lonely Before

Always alone

But now, it’s as if lonely Was paradise

Compared to this

Whatever it is It drags me down

To a depth

Of fixation

Pain

Anger

That resides just

Below hell

She looks through me No smile

Her words are sharp And cut like glass The obsession

Now denied, is

Too much

This is what will kill me today - Preston





Chapter Twenty-One


Maladjusted


Thursday morning Bennie and I have breakfast together. She heads down to the store, and I promise to show up later. Spending the entire day yesterday being tortured by my seesawing emotions was enough to make me want to hide away.

I’m furious with Preston. I’m devastated at the sickness that will eventually take Bennie from me. It’s a cycle that circles back around to disappointment in myself. Tears fill my eyes, my natural reaction to any kind of heightened emotion. Now I’m angry that I’m crying. There are too many feelings swirling around in my head, too much chaos to nail anything down. After all that time on the road, all my lonely nights, I finally feel completely alone.

Of all the times not to have someone to lean on, now is the worst. It’s another thing I blame Preston for. I want him to hold me and tell me that everything will be okay, that he’s here for me. But that would just be another lie. Everything, most certainly, will not be okay.

Instead of going to the store, I decide to take a walk around Crowley. Thoughts of Dylan cross my mind, but even I know he wouldn’t try anything in broad daylight. I vow to stick to populated streets.

I pass the diner and give Angela a wave through the front glass. Outside of the hardware store, I run into Coach. He gives me a hurried hello as he loads bags into his truck. I end up at my parents’ house. I don’t know why I come here, what I am looking for, but it does bring me some comfort. Maybe it’s because I know that they are the only other threads connected to Bennie. Whether we like it or not, we are family. Losing her will hurt us all.