Bullet(25)

His eyes searched mine. “Are you saying you…love me?”

I’d already said too much, so I just nodded. He smiled. “Val, oh, God, Val.” He closed his eyes and let out a long breath. “You have no f*cking idea. But…after Brad, and then Zane…I just thought you wanted to be friends with me. I had no idea.”

I chuckled, but it hurt my head. “Ethan…do you remember the day we met?” He nodded. “My sitting behind you in class was no accident.” He raised his eyebrows, but I kept talking. “And then you invited me to that concert. What prompted you to ask me?”

He grinned. “Stupid ass Zane was supposed to come with me, but some little sorority girl in a miniskirt invited him to a barbecue. He couldn’t pass up a cute little blonde piece of ass. So you told me you were into metal and I had an extra ticket. Perfect timing. What about you, though? What do you mean sitting behind me was no accident? And then…why the f*ck did you go to the dance with Zane?”

“Why’d you go with that Mercy chick?”

“I already told you. I thought you and me were strictly friends only. Besides, you’re…so pure. I didn’t want to…soil you.” Had I not been so tired and achy, I would have protested, but he continued. “And…well… a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.” I giggled again, and my head throbbed again. “Are the pain meds from the hospital wearing off?”

“He said I shouldn’t take anything else for a few more hours.”

Ethan nodded. “You’re avoiding my other question.”

“Oh…well, I…uh…I noticed you in class. You were the best-looking guy on campus, so I wanted to get to know you.”

He smiled and looked almost embarrassed. That was a first. “Really?” I smiled back. And as his expression grew more serious, he touched my chin and lowered his lips to mine. I closed my eyes. I had been waiting for this moment for so long. His lips were soft and warm and as his parted, mine responded. In just seconds, I was tasting the sweetness of him, and my head started to spin. In those few moments, I was aware of his breath on my cheek, of my heart beating, the blood pumping through my veins. My hands grabbed his t-shirt into fists, not wanting to ever let him go.

My spinning head, though…that wasn’t necessarily due to the breathtaking kiss. When he opened his eyes, he said, “You need to rest.” He reached in the pocket of his jeans and pulled out his cell phone. “I’m gonna wake you up every couple of hours, okay?” I nodded and felt my eyes closing. But I didn’t fall asleep until I felt him lie down next to me. He draped his arm over my waist, and the weight of it made me feel secure.

I drifted into a peaceful sleep. Not only had I kissed the man I’d fallen in love with, but we’d finally bared our souls, shared our deepest feelings with one another, and now I felt closer to him than ever before. His arm holding me close all night long reassured me of the new love we shared as well as our enduring friendship.





Chapter Eleven

Present



“BREATHE, BABE. THAT’S it. Through your nose, out your mouth. You can do it.”

Yeah, easy for him to say, but I bit my tongue. He was just repeating what the childbirth coach had told him in our classes. I couldn’t help it that the pain was making me pissed off.

But as hard as the earlier phases had been, the last hour had been excruciating. The nurse kept telling me not to push, that I wasn’t ready, so I had to fight the urge, and breathing was the only way. But I was still fighting the pain. They’d supposedly put a painkiller in my IV, but I wasn’t feeling it.

Finally, the f*cking doctor arrived. I wanted to tell him I was sorry I’d disturbed his sleep, but he was trying to be cheerful, something he hadn’t always managed in his office. He examined me, shoving a latex-gloved hand inside to measure the progress of my uncooperative cervix, and he said, “You’re ready.”

I saw one of the nurses wheeling in all kinds of stuff—a table for the baby, complete with a lamp on top. I almost laughed, thinking it looked like one of the heating lamps at a fast food restaurant. Then she wheeled in a stainless steel table full of instruments, much like I was sure they used during the Inquisition. The doctor sat on a rolling stool and turned around to examine his tools of torture while the bedside nurse rattled off instructions. She told me to wait until the next contraction and then to push. She and Ethan would count to ten out loud, and I was to push as hard as I possibly could for the duration of the countdown while pulling my knees to my chest. After three tries, then I could rest until the next contraction.

And then I understood why labor was so painful—so that when it was time to push, it was a relief.

And it was. I heard Ethan and the nurse cheering me on while the doctor, in his calm monotone voice, kept urging me to “Come on.” But after the three pushes I lay my head back on the pillow and tried to gather my strength. Ethan looked at me, and I saw fear in his eyes. I’d never seen him look like that before, and it almost scared me, especially because he was trying—and failing—to put on a brave face. Was something wrong? He brushed my sweat-soaked hair away from my face with his hands, and I wasn’t able to worry anymore as the next contraction overcame me.

This time, I couldn’t even hear them counting as I pushed with muscles I hadn’t known I had. I could feel them bearing down on that little life inside me, trying to force it out into the world. “I see your baby’s head. Come on, now, Valerie. One more good, strong push.” I did as the doctor asked and then Ethan let go of my hand to go stand beside the doctor. “Okay, now, stop pushing.” He started doing something with the baby, but I rested my head on the pillow. I was exhausted. When I opened my eyes, I saw Ethan with scissors in his hand as he cut the baby’s cord.

The doctor looked over at me. “You’re the proud parents of a beautiful baby boy.” The doctor then placed the baby on my chest. He was covered in fluids, and his little face was balling up, ready to express his displeasure at his new surroundings, but I felt a tear form in my eye as I knew this little man was going to be the most important male in my life from this day forward.

That night, after hours of nurses doing this, that, and the other to my baby, having weighed, cleaned, and dressed the child, he was lying in my arms. He and I were making our best attempts at breastfeeding, and I felt like I was failing miserably. My once modest-sized breasts were now huge and trying to block his nostrils. One of the nurses who had been annoying the shit out of me earlier with her bossiness had now come back in the room. She was about to leave as her shift was almost over, but she was checking in. She showed me how I could press on my breast right by the baby’s nose so he could breathe and nurse at the same time.

And did it hurt. She promised me I’d get used to it. I was too tired to argue.

While I held little Christopher in my arms, I looked over at Ethan snoozing in the chair. He’d been on the phone earlier, calling everyone we knew to let them know he was now a proud papa. Tomorrow, we’d have visitors like crazy until it was time to leave. It would be nice to see the people who cared about us and the baby—Brad, Zane, Nick; my parents; my brother and his wife; June and Jason. For now, though, I needed some time alone.

I was tired but happy, and I knew I was beginning the most important job of my life…as the mother of this precious child.





Chapter Twelve

Past



MY FEELINGS FOR Ethan were more open after we’d confessed to one another. At first, he seemed apprehensive about kissing me, but I wouldn’t let him use that as an excuse. If he got close enough to me, my lips were on his.

I never did see Charlotte again. Not once. I suspected Zane or Ethan had something to do with it, but I was too stupid to ask. I didn’t think about it again until much later. But the first week after, I’d look closely at my surroundings before stepping into an empty hallway. I usually managed to be out in the open when there were lots other people, so I felt a little safer.

By midterms, Zane was calling us “you two,” as in “Are you two ready to go to dinner yet?” And he started dating Jennifer too, but that was over by spring break. Ethan’s mom friended me on Facebook, and she and I talked on Skype once in a while. I really liked her, but she didn’t seem to know how to be a mother to Ethan. But what did I know? I myself had never been a mother before.

Our relationship started getting a little hotter, but he never tried a thing on me. I was okay with that, because I didn’t know if either of us was ready for something more. He seemed to want to keep our relationship in sweet, wholesome territory, and—when I was ready—I was going to call him on it.

One night just after midterms, Ethan and I were in my dorm room doing a little studying, but mostly talking. I was taking a class called Poetry of the Twentieth Century, so I was explaining to him what we were studying in class. Out of the blue, he said, “Didn’t you tell me once that you write poetry?”