Bullet(19)

When he left my room, I just leaned my back against the door, trying to recover. And I was glad Jennifer had a class, so she wouldn’t be home for a while. I would be able to deal with this fresh pain on my own for a while. The wounds were too fresh, and I wasn’t ready to talk about them yet.

I threw myself on my bed and cried and cried to the point of exhaustion. I half filled my wastebasket with wadded-up tissues. After I got over my feelings of heartache, I then felt pangs of jealousy against this girl I didn’t even know, the girl who’d managed to capture Ethan’s heart when I wasn’t looking.

And then I thought…maybe going to the dance with Zane would be my form of revenge…not even let Ethan know how much he’d hurt me.

I took a deep breath. No, I couldn’t be like that.

But I didn’t want to act like a little child either and refuse to go. I’d already promised Zane, and who knew? Maybe I’d have fun after all.

I realized then that I really had fallen helplessly in love with Ethan. And, I told myself, if he doesn’t want to go to the dance with me, that’s fine, just as long as he’s happy. Oh, yes. I could think those words, but believing them was another thing entirely.

And those feelings? I was having a hard time shaking those too.

I felt so vulnerable, so much in pain that I could be easily destroyed. I needed to bounce back, as had been my nature up to this point. That was when I decided life really does go on, and I was going to enjoy myself at the dance.





Chapter Nine



“OH, MY GOD, Val, you look so cute,” Jennifer said as I put the finishing touches on my look. My normally straight, shiny brown hair now cascaded in curls down my back over the flaming red strappy dress I’d chosen to wear. Earlier that week, I’d walked downtown to a consignment store to look at semi-formal dresses and chosen that little number. It wasn’t tight, but it fit like it had been made for me, and red always brought out the color in my cheeks and eyes. Looking at myself in the mirror one last time, I thought that Ethan had never seen me dressed up before.

No. I had to push him out of my head. I had to forget the emotions I had for him and start over. I couldn’t do that if I thought about him every few minutes. I looked at my reflection again. I really did look pretty. I’d never been one to obsess over her own looks, but I’d done my makeup in such a way that my eyes stood out and I looked almost…glamorous. And the two-and-a-half inch heels weren’t something I’d normally wear either, but they did something for my calves that were just barely peeking out from under the tea-length skirt.

Jennifer was going to the dance with a guy she’d met in one of her classes. She left when he came by to get her, and then I was left all alone with my reflection. Zane should be arriving at any minute, and I had to get in the proper mindset. I had to plan to have fun. He’d asked the day before if I wanted to go out to eat first, but I knew Zane didn’t have a vehicle on campus, so that would mean either walking downtown or going to one of the eateries on campus. Neither idea sounded particularly fun, so I told him I’d just grab a bite at the cafeteria with Jennifer as planned. Zane might have even planned to spring for a cab, but I knew he was a poor college student just like I was, so I wasn’t even going to ask.

When Zane got to the door, I was surprised. He was wearing a suit, and it shocked me. I don’t know what I’d been expecting, but it wasn’t that. And…he looked damn good. He must have thought the same about me, because he smiled and then peeked his head in my room. “Is Valerie here? If she’s not, I’ll just take you to the dance.”

I started laughing. “You look pretty good yourself.”

He grinned. “Thanks, but…” He let out a long whistle. “Jesus. I don’t know how the hell I’ll keep all the guys at the dance off you.”

I blushed and giggled, and I was afraid my cheeks probably matched the color of my dress. “I’m sure they’ll all be plenty tied up with their sweethearts.”

He brought his hand out from behind his back to produce a pink carnation which he handed to me. I smiled as its scent touched my nose. “Oh, Zane…you didn’t have to do that.”

His smile was slight and sweet. “I wanted to.”

“I should have something around here…” I thought Jennifer might have an empty water bottle in her trashcan, and I did see one when I peeked. I filled it almost full at the sink and then placed it on my desk with the carnation in it. “It’s really pretty. Thanks.” And I felt a little shy doing it, but I kissed him on the cheek. An unexpected flower deserved nothing less.

I grabbed my dorm key off my desk and then pulled my long black wool coat out of my closet, tucking the key in a pocket. It was perhaps the only coat I’d ever owned that didn’t completely ruin the illusion of a glamorous dress.

We didn’t say much on our walk toward the ballroom located in the student center. I’d only ever seen that room used for banquets and convention-type activities on campus, so I was looking forward to seeing it used for what it had been designed for. Zane got brave and grabbed my hand. I smiled. After a few more steps, he said, “Bet they won’t be playing the kind of music we usually appreciate, eh?”

“I heard they got a DJ, so we could always request a little Miss May I, don’t you think?”

He started laughing. “Yeah, and I’m sure all the fraternity douchebags would eat it up.”

“They just might.”

He laughed even harder as we reached the outside door, and he pulled it open for me. The student center was always darker at night, but it was just as busy. I knew there was some movie marathon going on in the theater, for starters, but there were bodies buzzing here and there, heading toward different places.

When we got to the ballroom, the dance was well underway. It was dark in there, but there were lots of colored lights bouncing off the walls, and the DJ was lit up against one wall, already playing some slow-moving, sappy song I’d never heard before. Couples were already entwined on the dance floor, swaying to the beat of the music.

There was an untended coat rack by the doors, so Zane slid the coat off my shoulders and hung it up. It might not have been cold inside, but the air made my bare shoulders feel chilly nonetheless. We looked over the sea of bodies, moving as though in tune to a breeze flowing over them. “Might as well get started,” he said and led me to the edge of the crowd. Then he wrapped his arms around my waist.

A slow dance was probably something I was better at. Loving metal music, I’d never had much reason to learn to dance. I could bang my head just as good as anyone else, and even moshing didn’t require rhythm or killer moves. So dancing? Not my thing. But slow dancing…I thought I could handle it. So I placed my forearms on his shoulders as he drew me close, and our motions started resembling those of the rest of the crowd.

Oh, shit. He smelled really good, and I hadn’t noticed until I was up close. His cologne was masculine (for lack of a better word) and tempting and made me want to get even closer. And I hadn’t realized how rock hard his body was until I was up against him. What struck me right then was a couple of things—first of all, I hadn’t been kissed since high school and, really, I hadn’t had much experience at it. I’d had a couple of boyfriends in the past, but they were from my church back at home, so I’m sure you can imagine that our kissing was rated PG-13 at best. Second…I was ready to move into rated R territory. With Zane? I didn’t know. But the way I felt in his arms surprised the hell out of me. My emotional response to him was strong, and I never would have expected that.

He said in my ear, “I wasn’t kidding when I said you look nice.”

His breath right there didn’t help the crazy feelings roiling inside my body, just barely kept intact under the surface. What was going on with me? Was it the flower he’d brought me? The fact that I’d been pining for and rejected by Ethan for so long? But here I was, all willing and eager. I was glad it was darkish in the ballroom, because I was sure I was blushing yet again. “You look great too, Zane.” And was that as inane sounding to him as it was to me? But he really did look good. And just as my consciousness acknowledged it, I realized the rest of me started thinking about Ethan, wondering where he was, what he was doing…if he was actually here at this dance or if he was f*cking some girl in his dorm room while Zane was conveniently away.

God, I was just torturing myself, and I needed to stop. I was young and vibrant, and Zane had made it clear that he was interested, even if Ethan wasn’t. I leaned my head on Zane’s shoulder, determined to keep our conversation light and friendly, if indeed we wound up talking at all.

As our bodies turned with the music, my eyes took in the doors to the ballroom. As though fate were mocking me, in walked Ethan with a tall, thin blonde hanging on his arm. Ethan looked cocky and maybe even a little drunk. I wondered if he and the blonde had had a little fun before the dance. I certainly didn’t want to know.