Begin Again (Again #1)(40)

Now the images from last night reappeared. How Kaden had pressed me against the wall and literally taken my breath away.

But last night hadn’t meant anything—I had to repeat it to myself over and over. I was not Kaden’s plaything, a toy he could have fun with whenever he wanted, and that he could just as easily ignore. I didn’t want to be that for anyone, ever again—I’d made up my mind long ago.

But last night as I lay awake, agitated and confused and only able to think about his hands on my body, something had become clear. No matter how hard I fought against it, I felt more than a physical attraction to Kaden. I liked him. And I thought I understood him. But after last night I didn’t know how I could face him again. He knew what I thought of his come-on, but what would that mean for us?

I stared at my plate and shoveled more pasta into my mouth. This is what it was like to enjoy food without regret. No wonder I’d gained more weight. Thanks for the reminder, Mom.

“Let’s leave it at that for today, Scott,” Dawn suggested. Then she leaned across the table and patted my arm. “I know how hard it is for you to talk about stuff like this. And I think you deserve a round of applause for dealing with us.”

I stared at her, unsure of what to say.

“Right,” Scott said. “But at some point I want all the hot details, Allie. You can’t hold back something like that from me. That goes against our rules of friendship.”

I almost choked on my noodles. “There’s a rule that says I have to tell you about my love life?”

“Of course! After all, I tell you both everything about me and Micah.”

“Yes, without us even asking, my dear,” Dawn said, patting Scott’s shoulder. I nodded vigorously.

Scott lamented: “Oh, children. You have a lot to learn.”

I looked down at my plate to avoid eye contact with Dawn. Otherwise we’d probably both have burst out laughing.

“I have to pack,” Dawn said after dabbing her mouth with her napkin.

“What for?” I blurted out, and then realized how stupid that sounded. Of course. Today was the last day of classes before Thanksgiving break. Dawn would head home to her father this weekend.

“Actually, I’m not up for spending my vacation with Dad. Nate’s family will be there, and if he comes, then I can’t guarantee what will happen. The whole thing could end in a bloodbath.”

I bit my lower lip. My exams had preoccupied me so much that I didn’t know the latest between Dawn and her ex.

“I’m not sure your father understands that you don’t want to see Nate,” I said, concerned.

Dawn glanced at me. “I’ll survive it somehow,” she said after a pause. “At least I have other family I can visit.”

Her comment hit me like a slap.

Realizing what she’d said, Dawn looked at me, eyes wide: “Oh God, Allie, I didn’t mean it that way.”

“It’s okay.” I put on a mechanical smile, surprising myself that I could still do so at the push of a button. Some things you never unlearn.

“I really didn’t mean it like that. You told me about your mom’s shitty behavior, and you said you didn’t know if you wanted to go back home, and so I just thought that you—”

“Really. No worries,” I raised my hands in a gesture of peace.

“It’s totally cool not to go home for Thanksgiving, Allie. I prefer to spend my time off with Micah,” Scott sighed.

I swallowed hard, but kept on smiling. Dawn would go home even though she didn’t want to, but she’d be glad to see her dad and not have to be alone. Scott wouldn’t be with his family because he’d rather be with his boyfriend on the holiday. That was the difference between us. I would be sitting alone in my apartment, staring at the dented wall against which my roommate had pressed me in a frenzy, and reveling in passionate memories. I’d probably eat ice cream and watch a movie. Or cry. Or maybe all of the above.

Feeling a bit queasy, I said goodbye to my friends. I reassured Dawn that I was fine, but we both knew that wasn’t true. To be honest, I felt crappy. I’d come down from the post-exam high and was back to obsessing about my mother.

Would I ever be free of her and able to do what I’d always wanted to do, without feeling sick?

I should savor this feeling of freedom and be glad that for the first time I could spend Thanksgiving thousands of miles away from my parents. No obligations. No pressure.

But I couldn’t convince myself. My longing for freedom was struggling against my guilt. And my fear of being alone.

Jared Leto distracted me with his own cries of pain. I’d turned up my car stereo, almost full blast.

Without thinking about where I was heading, I found myself at the edge of town. I hadn’t taken this route alone yet, but something in my subconscious mind seemed to have led me here—where I could feel freedom with my whole body.

A trail of dust followed my car as I drove to the deserted parking area at the foot of Mount Wilson. I wondered if I should hike all the way to the top. Yes. Yes, I should. Without giving it much thought, I decided to take my phone along.

I walked to the first fork, the route Kaden and I had taken last time. Though I wasn’t wearing my hiking shoes, my leather boots seemed to do the trick. I dug my feet hard into the muddy earth.

Maybe this would help me get rid of my anger. And the pain that raged deep inside me when I thought about Thanksgiving break.