A Life More Complete(80)
“Oh believe me I know. I figure if I set my expectations low and when I say low, I mean nonexistent, I won’t be let down. It can only go up from here, right?”
“I guess that’s one way of looking at it. Either way, you have to tell him.” She hesitates and says something I didn’t see coming. “Maybe we should give him the benefit of the doubt? Just because you broke up doesn’t necessarily mean he doesn’t want the baby.”
“Maybe...” is all I can say.
Before I hang up with Gia she convinces me that I need to call Tyler. She tells me not to mention that I already told her. He just might be insulted that someone else knows he’s going to be a dad before he does. I agree with her, but when I hit end on my phone I can’t bring myself to do it. I’m terrified of his response.
I pick up my phone at least a dozen times and scroll through my contacts list, even at one point pressing his number but hanging up too quickly for it to ring. I finally decide to call my sisters in hopes that they have some more insight, but really I’m just procrastinating.
I rehearse the speech in my head numerous times and I dial. I reach Rachel first and even though I have a really kick ass speech prepared I go for the same ‘blurt out and cry method’ I used on Gia. Our conversation is very similar to Gia’s. It’s almost eerie how similar. Rachel overreacts making me cry harder, and then she goes into apology mode, which later turns to what I view as pity, even though she assures me that pity is not part of her emotional system. And after being raised by our mother, I believe it. We decide to meet halfway for lunch tomorrow.
Next is Maizey and she too gets the ‘blurt and cry’. You’d think I’d be getting better at this, but I’m still a blubbering fool. Maizey is nothing like Rachel. She immediately bursts into tears, crying so hard I can hear her husband in the background yelling at her until she confesses my news. Once we’ve both settled down, she giggles at the fact that I just might have a little belly when she sees me at the end of May. I smile at her words.
The blurt and cry method is still in full effect when I call Melinda and Bob later on that evening, but by the time I work up the courage to call Tyler I’ve pulled myself together. I put it off for so long now and the day has been so emotionally draining that it feels like a lifetime ago that I was standing in the bathroom reading the little sticks.
I sit down on the edge of the couch with my phone in hand. My thoughts swirl obsessively stopping first on why I shouldn’t call Tyler, then on why I should and finally stalling out on why my body was suddenly craving the Baconator from Wendy’s. Do pregnancy cravings really start this early or was my little peanut already on board with my procrastination habits?
After lingering on the thought of the Baconator far too long, I finally call Tyler. He doesn’t answer which isn’t surprising. I can’t say I would if his name showed up on my phone. I leave him a brief message asking him to call me when he gets a chance. I try to keep my voice as even as possible hoping my message doesn’t come across as desperate or worse...pregnant.
Emotionally and physically exhausted, I finally retreat to the comfort of my bed. As my eyes grow heavy and begin to close, my phone vibrates on my nightstand and somewhere between sleeping and waking I dream it’s the sound of my baby’s heartbeat. When it disappears my eyes grow weary and fall heavily closed again only to be jolted awake by the same sound. After several long vibrations I realize it’s my phone, leaning over the caller ID alerts me to the one phone call I have been dreading.
Tyler’s name pops up on the screen and before I answer I try to prepare the perfect thing to say, but my body and my brain are working against each other. I am physically unable to handle all the emotions as my hands begin to tremble. The phone vibrates in my hand for a fourth time and I know I only have so much time before it will end.
“Hello?” I say, my voice unable to hide its shakiness and unease.
Tyler sounds sleepy and when I look at the clock I notice it is after midnight. Since our paths haven’t crossed and we haven’t made any attempt to speak to each other I realize I have no idea where he could be. For all I know he’s in Chicago and I left him a voicemail that jarred him awake at some ungodly hour.
“Krissy? You okay?” he asks, his voice hoarse as if he’s been sleeping.
And damn my emotional self because as soon as he asks I begin to weep like a baby again. How do you possibly segue into the conversation that is about to change someone’s life forever? Which is exactly why I went with ‘the blurt and cry method’ with everyone else I told. I cover the phone with my hand to hide the sniffling that is taking over. When I’m unable to formulate any type of words after several seconds, he asks again.