A Life More Complete(79)
I put my hands on my belly while the tears run down my cheeks. “Little peanut-sized baby, I will love you no matter what. I know we haven’t had the best start, but trust me I will make it up to you.” My voice comes out in a hushed whisper.
The first phone call I make is to Gia. She answers on the first ring and I can hear the kids in the background. I hear Gianna singing and Nico telling her to be quiet. Liam is babbling and Gia is laughing as I hear her voice, “Hello?”
“Gia? Hi, It’s Krissy.”
“I know who it is. Why would you tell me that?” she laughs and I begin to cry. “Krissy, what’s wrong? What’s the matter? Why are you crying? Shit, say something!” she shouts into the phone.
“I’m pregnant,” I blurt out. The way I planned this in my head was much smoother. I imagined I would tell her and she would squeal and we would giggle and it would be wonderful. I’m not sure whose life I am leading in my head. It not so much that I’m upset that I’m pregnant I feel like this pregnancy is a sign that I should have this baby. Accidental or not, everything happens for a reason. It’s more about the fact that I’m about to do this alone—at least I think I am.
“Are you f*cking kidding me?” Gia shouts.
“Do I sound like I’m joking,” I ask through ragged sobs.
“Holy shit! Does Tyler know?”
“No and I’m not sure what to say to him. I just...” My thoughts are so jumbled up. I’m having a hard time forming a coherent thought.
“Are you planning to have a baby out of wedlock? You’re not married! This is un-f*cking-believable!”
“Stop shouting at me!” I yell back at her. “You shouting at me isn’t helping and by the way who uses the word wedlock anymore? What are you ninety?”
“I’m sorry,” she says as she calms down. “My Catholic upbringing kicked in and I became my mother for a second.” Gia mentioning her mother sends me back into a crying tail spin again. Her mother is the one person I couldn’t bear to think about. She was always so kind to me. She treated me like her own and this news would bring a world of shame down on me in her eyes, a devout Catholic and all around genuinely wonderful person. Gia’s family was the only normal family I knew and her mother tried hard to instill the same morals and values in me that she did in Gia. Mrs. DeRossi goes to church every Wednesday and Sunday. She lights candles and carries a rosary with her everywhere she goes. I’ve heard her say more Hail Marys and Glory Be to the Father than I can count. I remember her response when an eight year old me told her that I didn’t go to church, “Oh dear,” was all she could say.
“Have you thought about what you want to do?” Gia asks this time more composed and less judgmental.
“I’m keeping the baby and please whatever you do, don’t mention your mother again or I’ll start to cry.”
“Okay, sorry. Let me put the kids in the house and find David so he can take over. Sorry again about how I reacted. You’re right I shouldn’t be yelling at you. This isn’t a big deal. Honestly, worse things could happen than this.” She doesn’t sound as self-assured when she says that last statement.
After a few seconds she returns and the background noise is gone. Gia apologizes again and I tell her to stop. She falls silent for a few minutes and I know she’s crying. I hear her sniffle and I lose it again. This time I’m blubbering and snot is running from my nose. I can barely catch my breath and the more my crying intensifies so does Gia’s. I pull the sleeve of my sweater over my hand and wipe at my runny nose, swiping under my eyes, yet none of it makes a difference. I’m a hot mess.
When the two of us finally calm down, Gia tells me she’s coming because not even two thousand miles can keep her from me.
“David’s working on it right now,” she says.
“No, Gia. It’s okay. Really, I’m fine. It’ll take a little while for the news to settle in but it’s gonna be fine. I’m fine.” I feel like in the process of reassuring her I’m trying to convince myself, too. Each time the word “fine” leaves my mouth I cringe. It’s such a vague description, so many meanings, too many levels, but I use it because words fail me. And I’m not sure I even believe it.
“If you say so. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but finding out isn’t the hard part. You’re gonna need me once you drop this bomb on Tyler.”