A Life More Complete(15)

Ben inches closer and scans the maps. He laughs and points to a few more notes. “This is really great,” he says as he indicates toward the maps. “Slightly paranoid, but in a good way.”

“I know, but looking back, I’m glad. I really had no idea what I was doing or where I was going.”

Ben reads a few more of Tom’s comments out loud and by the time he’s done we’re laughing so hard that tears fall from our eyes.

Later on while we are lying in my bed Ben says, “I think I’d like your stepdad,”

“You would. He’s awesome. Tom is a brilliant, genius of a man. Diplomatic and unwaveringly cool. He really did an amazing job parenting three girls that didn’t belong to him. My mother, being the shitty parent that she was had Tom talk to us about sex. It is by far the best memory I have of him.”

Thinking about Tom makes me giggle and so I decide to tell him the story that Rachel, Maizey and I still laugh about.

“So, my mother enlisted him to discuss the evils of alcohol and drugs with my sisters and me, which I found strangely fascinating since she firmly believed he should have no part in the rearing of her children. He was an expert on the perils of drug abuse, my mom said, since he was a cop and all. If she wanted an expert opinion she should have gone to my father.” Ben listens closely and I can see his need to understand me growing with every word I share. “How he got conned into the sex talk, I still don’t know, but he did. He sat the three of us down to give us “the talk”. The funny thing was that I had lost my virginity just two weeks before that. My sisters and I developed early. I felt for Tom. He had to deal with the fact that we looked far older than we were and his police-induced paranoia caused him to lecture us daily. Rachel looked twenty-five at fourteen and was a dead ringer for Jenna Jameson.” I pause a minute and Ben says nothing, but his smile causes me to continue. “It’s hard to fight off the boys when you look like that,” I joke. “I knew the minimum there was to know about the actual act of sex. I knew at the time you put A into B and if you weren’t careful you would end up with product C. Product C was three kids in three years and that was enough birth control for me. I also had this firm belief that my parents only had sex three times during their marriage each time resulting in the conception of a child.”

Ben laughs out loud and tells me he thinks that’s the viewpoint of all teenagers. I laugh with him and continue my story. “My views were minimal and obviously outlandish. Yet I still chose to have sex. Tom was completely open in his discussion. He told us, ‘Use a condom because STDs are gross and a pregnant belly looks awful in a string bikini.’ A wealth of knowledge.” I leave out the one part that stuck with me all these years. Tom left the conversation with, ‘Remember don’t confuse sex for love. They are two entirely different things that are easily confused.’ It’s those words that haunt me to this day. I press in closer to Ben and feel the warmth from his body ease my anxiety.

“Why don’t you have any pictures of him?” Ben asks casually.

“I don’t have pictures of anyone. I don’t like photographs. I find them fake, never a real representation of what happened.” I sound bitter.

“Really? That’s a bit harsh, don’t you think?”

“Not when I consider the pictures that were in my house when I was growing up. My father was an abusive, alcoholic, drug addict and the only pictures in our house showed everyone happy. I learned to hate the forced smiles.” Thinking about my father brings a wave of emotions I am not ready to deal with or discuss, so I push them away and I use Ben to forget them. Somehow he knows not to delve too deeply and he lets the conversation rest.

I stretch my body out so it matches Ben’s and I lay my head on his chest. His arms wrap around me, warm and comforting. I kiss his chest and slide myself down into the nook along the side of his body. He curls around me and I reach for the light.

“Good night, Ben.”

“Night, Krissy.”

Sleep calls to me and curled up in Ben’s arms makes it easier to answer it. My eyes close, as my breathing begins to slow and match Ben’s as he sleeps next to me. A sudden noise jolts me from that moment between awake and asleep. A pounding. It’s coming from my front door.

I shake Ben. “Ben, Ben. Wake up. Someone’s banging on my door.” I climb out of bed with Ben following me and Roxy trailing close behind.

“I’ll get it,” he says running his hands through his hair. “Stay here.”