A Beautiful Forever(35)

I nod my head and lay down beside him, resting my head on his chest and hugging him tightly, breathing in his scent and listening to the sounds of his life through his chest. I want to savour our last moments together so I can hold them in my heart and think of him always.

When I’m sure he is asleep I whisper, “I love you too.” Tears roll down my face as I sit up and touch his sleeping face tenderly. It’s time to tell him everything. I’ve been too chicken shit before now, but I can’t let him get deeper in than he already is.

I rise off the bed and walk out of our room, closing the door quietly behind me. Taking a piece of paper from the printer, I grab a pen and start to write the words I’ve been too afraid say.

When I’m done, I fold the paper, put it in an envelope with Elliot’s name on it and tuck it inside his wallet, placing his phone on top. Then, I leave.





Chapter 27


Elliot


Moving my tongue around my mouth to try to distribute some sort of moisture, I open my eyes, acutely aware of the fact that Paige is no longer on the bed with me. Swinging my legs on to the floor, I wince as the pain in my head hits me. I don’t think I have ever drunk so much alcohol in my life. This is horrible. It’s going to make the flight home intolerable.

I shuffle out to the kitchen and grab some ibuprofen and a large glass of water, downing it as fast as I can.

Leaning on the edge of the sink, I wait, hoping the water is going to stay down. The moment I’m safe I start to move again, looking for signs of Paige’s whereabouts. Instead, I notice my phone and wallet on the shelf with some paper sticking out of it.

Dread fills my already queasy stomach as I walk over and take it out. It’s an envelope with my name on it in Paige’s handwriting. I move to the table and take a seat before opening it. Actually, I’m just sitting here staring at it. I don’t want to know what’s inside.

Letting out a huge steadying breath, I slide my thumb under the seal and tear it open. Forcing my eyes to start reading.

My dear, beautiful Elliot,

I am so sorry that I didn’t have the courage to stick around and go back to Australia with you. I never actually said it to you Elliot, but you need to know that I love you too. I love you so much that I selfishly let you love me back, knowing that I was always going to drive you away.

I have tried so hard to tell you everything Elliot, but every time I open my mouth the words just won’t come out. I can’t bring myself to witness the love leave your face when you find out what I’ve done.

I’m chicken shit Elliot, for doing it this way, and I’m sorry. Just know that I love you and try to remember that for a short time, you loved me too. Please keep that in your heart when you look at the pictures of our time together, I know that I will.

I’ve already told you about my home life and how I was kicked out at 15, but it's after that, that my life became an unforgivable disaster.

I didn’t have anywhere to live. Once that $200 was gone, that was it - I had no job, no money, nothing. I couch hopped at friend’s houses, for as long as I could but eventually their mothers started to realise something was up, so I was forced to move on.

I’m ashamed to say this, but I started going home with different men, doing what I had to do to get a bed and some food for the night, sometimes I would be with a guy for a night, sometimes a month or more. This went on for two years, and I lost track of how many men there were.

I hated myself during this time. I was so angry with my family for deserting me, and I just wanted to stop thinking, and that led to drinking, which then led to drugs, nothing in particular – just whatever the guy I was with would give me or whatever I could get my hands on to make me feel numb for a while.

I was out of it for so long that I didn’t know up from down, let alone what day of the week it was. That was, until a day when I was 17- I was in a rare sober moment, when I started getting terrible abdominal pain accompanied by bleeding before I was rushed to hospital having now idea what was going on.

Later that day, I realised the monster I had become when I delivered a baby girl. She was so tiny Elliot, and she was all blue. I didn’t even know I was pregnant, and I didn’t know whose she was – how bad is that? What kind of a person doesn’t know those things? – I held her in my arms, horrified by what I had done and promised that I would never abuse another substance again.

I called her Phoenix because I had to believe that she would be born again to another mother who would be far better to her than I could ever have been.

My tattoo is a constant reminder of what I did, I killed my baby Elliot. I was so bent on destroying my life because of my anger towards my family that I destroyed the life of a tiny girl who’s only failing was choosing my womb to carry her.

I’m so sorry that I didn’t tell you sooner. I’m so sorry that I let our relationship get to this point, and I’m so sorry I had to tell you in a letter. I simply wasn’t strong enough to tell you to your face.

I love you Elliot Roberts. I will hold the time we had together close to my heart for the rest of my life. It was absolutely perfect to me – every moment - you need to know that.

Please don’t come back for me Elliot, don’t try to find me. I don’t deserve to be loved, not after what I did – I should never have led you on and for that I am truly sorry.

So please forget about me Elliot, forget about us. You deserve love, you deserve a life that is so much more wonderful than anything we could possibly have had together. If you do anything for me, please let it be that.

Good bye Elliot.

Yours forever,

Paige xxx



I cover my face with my hands as my tears flow freely, I haven’t cried since I was a kid but right now, these great wracking sobs are escaping my body. Frantically, I grab for my phone; I need to speak to her. I need to tell her that the past is the past. I need to tell her that it wasn’t her fault - drugs do shit things to people, and most of all I need to tell her I love her. I don’t care what she did. I don’t care.

I call and I call, and I get her voice mail over and over again. I plead with her. I beg her to come back and see me. I promise her that I’ll come back for her, that she doesn’t have to be alone.

When I look at the clock and realise I need to leave for the airport, I pitch my phone as hard as I can against the floor, smashing the screen and rendering it unusable.

“How is she going to call you back if your phone is broken,” Naomi asks quietly from the doorway. She's been watching me all day. I think I’ve scared her.

I crouch upon the ground to pick up the remains of my phone and shake my head. “She’s not calling me back,” I say quietly, completely defeated.

She comes over to me and wraps her arms around my shoulders, hugging me tightly. “I’m so sorry Elliot, I could tell how much you loved her.”

“Love her, Naomi. I love her.”





Paige


I haven’t stopped crying since I left the flat, and the fact that Elliot keeps calling me is making it so much harder to stay away from him. Surely, he can’t still want me after reading my confession. How could he possibly want someone so selfish that they killed their own baby? Not to mention how I’ve treated him, it’s just not possible.

With shaking hands, I take my phone and dial my voicemail. He has left so many messages, and I desperately need to hear his voice.

The first message I hear is from my mother, I still haven’t listened to them. She’s starting with some sob story that I can’t focus on right now. I skip all of hers and then stop breathing when Elliot’s strained voice fills my ears. He sounds so tormented, and I hate myself even more than I thought I possibly could.

“Paige, please come back, we can work this out. I don’t care what you did, I love you Paige. Please Paige, please come back with me.”

Each message after that is along a similar vein, and each message tears my heart a little further open. God, what have I done?





Elliot


Naomi drives me to the airport and stays silently by my side as I check in. It’s nice that she cares, but I really want to be alone right now. I thank her for her help when I go to line up for my security check, and she reluctantly leaves.

“Keep in touch Elliot, ok?” she says.

All I do is nod my head; I'm feeling too numb right now to care about keeping in touch with anyone.





Paige


I can’t believe I did this to him. I can’t believe I’m sending him home without saying good-bye. I race through the airport, searching for his face above the crowd, frantically weaving through people I don’t even really see.

But when someone stands in front of me, blocking my path, I ‘m forced to pause my search and focus on the face in front of me.

“Paige!” says Naomi.

“Where is he? I need to say good-bye, I need to say I’m sorry,” I say frantically, looking over her head for him.