Underneath the Sycamore Tree(72)

So, I’m thankful when he quietly answers, “Maryland.”



Christmas Day brings a fresh snowstorm that blankets everything in white. It takes Dad a little longer to get Mama and Grandma here, but when they arrive, breakfast is on the table waiting, along with homemade hot chocolate.

Without asking, Dad turns the television on to A Christmas Story, an old tradition of our own that we’ve had every year. The movie plays all day on the same channel, background noise for present opening and lunch digesting. I always fall asleep to it while a small smile tugs on my face for Ralphie and his gun.

Mama kisses my cheek before sitting down beside me to eat, even though she kept saying she wasn’t hungry. I think she feels weird being around Cam, not that Cam has shown anything other than hospitality to her. I guess I’d feel strange to seeing my ex-husband with his new family.

It was weird enough seeing my father interact with them knowing he left the very same thing behind.

But did he?

After breakfast, we make our way into the living room for presents. Kaiden and I sit beside each other on the floor, and everyone else sits on the couches and chairs. Dad passes the gifts out one by one, and after almost two hours, we’re all watching the movie and arguing over Die Hard being considered a holiday movie.

The answer is no, but of course Dad always has to differ. Even Kaiden cracks up when he hears Dad’s reasoning, which is the first time Kaiden has even smiled when Dad is involved.

Maybe Christmas miracles are a thing.

A little before mid-afternoon hits, Mama asks if she can talk to me. Dad glances between us, eyeing Mama like he’s telling her not to chicken out of the conversation.

Biting my lip, I nod and follow her into the kitchen.

“I know you were listening,” she starts, giving me a small smile. “Mother’s intuition, I suppose. Although, it’s not always the best gut instinct to go on.”

“What do you mean?”

She wets her lips and glances behind her at the open archway. The movie is restarting and the lingering conversations are still easily heard, especially Cam’s light laughter.

“When your father admitted he wasn’t in love with me anymore, I was hurt.” She takes a deep breath and nods slowly. “Even though I knew it was coming, it didn’t make hearing him say it out loud any easier. I was so angry over him not putting in the effort even when he was there. It seemed like living with us was a chore to him, one that he preferred avoiding by staying at work later and later.

“I won’t get into the details of what I thought, maybe even suspected, but our separation was a sure thing. When he asked for a divorce, I let my emotions get the better of me. I told him if he couldn’t bother with his children when he still lived there, then there was no reason to bother with them when he left. Honestly, I thought it was for the best anyway. He wasn’t the one who noticed Lo’s symptoms or behavior changes. He wasn’t there for the appointments. He always had an excuse. So, I took away the opportunity for him to make it up.”

It’s hard to breathe as I stare at the woman sitting beside me. She’s still, tight, like she knows what she did harmed so many people in the process.

“Years,” I finally choke out. “You made him stay away all this time? When I cried and asked why Dad left, you never had anything to say about it. Why would you do that?”

She struggles meeting my eyes. “We do bad things when we’re upset, Emery. Our decisions are driven by emotion, and I let my hurt get the better of me.”

“Did you tell him not to call more?”

She closes her eyes. “Yes.”

“Did you tell him not to invite us to their holiday dinners?”

A head nod.

My nostrils flare. “You knew how I felt about him, Mama. I was so angry that he didn’t want us. Why would any mother think it’s okay for their children to feel that kind of hatred?”

She has no good response, so she remains silent. I bet if she looked up, I’d see golden orbs staring back. But I’m done with their color.

“Do you regret it?” I ask.

“More than you know,” she finally says, reaching out for my hand. “Sunshine, I live with so many regrets. They’ve become so hard to bear. Between your father, Logan, you—”

“Don’t you dare act like you lost me!” I stand up, pushing my chair away. “You were the one who practically forced me to go. How many times did you call me Logan? Or cry yourself to sleep before dinner? I get that things were hard, but you weren’t alone. Grandma lost a granddaughter and I lost my twin! We all felt the loss. Not just you.”

She drops her face into her hands, nodding because she knows I’m right. “I see that now. Group has helped me understand how wrong I was to act how I did. I’m so, so sorry, baby girl. If I could do it all over, I would.”

I stare at her for a long time, unsure of how to respond. “Would it be worth it though? I think leaving the house was always what was best for me, and if by some miraculous occurrence we got a redo, I’m not sure I’d take it. Why relive Lo’s death all over again? Even if we could choose how to respond differently, I never would have made it here and experienced what having a family is like.”

I think of Cam’s willingness to help.

Dad’s silent protection.

Kaiden. Just…Kaiden.