The Perfect Child(48)
He stopped, put his hands on his hips, and asked, “How far along are you?”
“Almost three months.”
“Three months?” His mouth dropped open. “How are you three months pregnant and just telling me now?”
“I just found out. I didn’t know.”
“How do you not know you’re pregnant?”
I narrowed my eyes. “Excuse me? Do you know what it feels like to be pregnant? I just felt really tired.”
“What about your period?”
“I didn’t get it. I—”
“That wasn’t a clue? How do you not get your period for three months and not think you’re pregnant?” He ran his hands through his hair.
Anger stiffened my back. “You know what? Quit talking to me like I’m an idiot and acting like I was a teenager hiding her pregnancy. I had no clue. None. I didn’t even connect being so exhausted with my missed periods. I thought I was going into menopause.”
He let out a deep sigh. “I’m sorry. Really, I am. I’m just shocked. I don’t even know what to say.”
“You could say congratulations,” I snapped. I stomped out of the living room and down the hall to our bedroom, slamming the door behind me.
TWENTY-EIGHT
CHRISTOPHER BAUER
Hannah went from not knowing she was pregnant to walking around the house with a dreamy look on her face and rubbing her stomach, even though it was still flat. She rested her hand on it like she could already feel the baby growing. Her face beamed with the glow of pregnancy, and I’d never seen her look happier.
I tried to pretend I was happy and excited about the baby, but all I could think about was Janie and how it would affect her. She was the child in front of me. It was hard to feel close to a baby that was only real in discussion. Love flooded me the instant I thought about being Janie’s dad, and I kept waiting for the sudden rush of love for our new baby, but it just didn’t come. It felt surreal, like it wasn’t really happening or like it was happening to someone else.
“We still haven’t really talked about the baby,” Hannah said as we sat around the coffee table putting together our latest jigsaw puzzle. She knew me too well, and despite my attempts to appear excited, my misgivings weren’t lost on her.
“Okay,” I said slowly. “What do you want to talk about?”
“Really?” She looked perturbed.
“I wish I could be excited about the baby like you are, but honestly, how can I? You know it’s throwing a huge wrench in our barely stable life.” Normally, I would’ve grabbed her hand, but she’d been so cold to me lately that she’d probably just pull away anyway, so I didn’t bother.
“Lots of people have two kids.” Her words were as cold as her body language.
“Honey, you know this isn’t the same thing.” Any ounce of normalcy and stability we’d created was going to come crashing down. She knew that, too, even though she wouldn’t admit it.
“I’m not sure you’re connected to the baby, and I’m worried about how it’s going to affect things once it’s here. I thought it might help to talk about your feelings,” she said in her therapist voice. We had both developed them over the past few months. We spent so much time in therapy learning how to talk about feelings with Janie that we’d become minitherapists in our conversations with each other. I was just as guilty as she was.
“I am struggling.” There was no use hiding what she already knew. She waited for me to go on. I ran my hands through my hair nervously. I didn’t want to upset her, but I had to tell the truth. “I’m worried about how it’s going to disrupt our lives. I’m afraid of how Janie is going to react when she finds out.”
“She probably won’t even care. She doesn’t have the ability to think six minutes into the future, let alone six months,” Hannah said.
“But what about after the baby’s here?” I asked. I didn’t know what she’d do when she found out she had to share us.
Hannah laughed. “She’s definitely going to struggle. That’s a given. She is going to be a nightmare once the baby’s here.”
“I didn’t realize you’d thought about that.”
She raised her eyebrows. “Of course I did. It was the first thing I thought about. Janie’s always my first thought before anything else.” I could tell by the way she narrowed her eyes that I’d upset her again.
“I don’t want to fight. I didn’t mean to insult you. I’m just scared.”
“I don’t know why you’re so scared. I’m the one who’s going to have to be here all day dealing with the drama.” Her voice had an edge to it.
I sighed. “Please, let’s not get into a fight. We’ve been doing so well lately.”
“I’m not trying to fight. It just bums me out how different you are about the baby. You were so excited when we adopted Janie, and it’s been almost three weeks now, and you’ve barely said anything about the baby.” Her lips pulled into a frown. Much like her smile lit up her entire face, her frown darkened it in the same way.
“Come here,” I said, motioning toward her. She slid down the couch and into my arms. I squeezed her tightly. “I’ll do better, okay? I’m really excited about the baby. I am. Things are going to be just fine.” It was the first time in our marriage that I had consciously lied to her.