The Perfect Child(47)

“Yeah, but don’t you think he’d want to know either way? Especially if you do have a miscarriage—then he can be there for you.”

Piper had always told us it took a year to adjust, and she had been right. It had been almost nine months since we’d become Janie’s parents, and even though it didn’t look anything like we’d planned, we were reaching a new normal. Over time, three steps forward coupled with two steps backward equaled success. I wanted the miscarriage to hurry up and happen so I could be done with it and we could keep moving forward in our lives.

“Don’t tell anyone, Mom, okay? Please? Promise? Not even Dad, because you know he can’t keep a secret, and I don’t want Allison to know this time.” My miscarriages hurt her almost as much as they did me. I couldn’t do that to her again. I didn’t want any of us going through it another time.

My mom squeezed my arms. “You’re not just a teensy bit excited?”

I shook my head. I’d trained myself a long time ago not to get excited. That was when you got hurt.



Nothing had happened by the time I went to my obstetrician appointment the following week, but that didn’t mean anything. Just because there hadn’t been any bleeding didn’t mean I was still pregnant. I’d been down that road before.

“Do you want to wait for your husband?” the obstetrician asked. I couldn’t remember her name. I had just picked the first one on the list that took my insurance. I hadn’t even checked her credentials. I couldn’t help but notice how different it was from the first time I’d gotten pregnant, and I would’ve laughed if it weren’t so sad.

“No, you can go ahead and do it,” I said. I turned my head to the side. I’d learned not to look. It made it easier.

She squirted the lube on my stomach and brought the transducer to it. The heartbeat was unmistakable. It pattered along like a train.

“Oh my God,” I said, tears welling in my eyes. “I’m pregnant.”





CASE #5243

INTERVIEW:

PIPER GOLDSTEIN

They kept asking me about Hannah’s pregnancy like I was hiding something, but I wasn’t. I had never had any clue Hannah was pregnant. None.

“Hannah didn’t look pregnant the last time I saw her before she gave birth. She was always so small and tiny, so you’d think I would’ve noticed, but I didn’t.” I was usually good at picking up on those things, but she hadn’t even looked like she’d gained weight. “I was shocked to find out she’d had a baby.”

“Wait.” Luke held up his hand. “I thought you told us you were involved with them continuously for two years.”

“I was.”

“But you didn’t know she was pregnant until after the baby was born? So that would mean you didn’t see them for at least a few months.” He scribbled something in his notebook.

“I suppose.”

“So you don’t have any idea what happened in their home between November and January, do you?”

I shook my head.

“I’m sorry, Piper. I need you to speak your answers.”

“No, but it doesn’t matter. That wouldn’t have changed anything.”

He looked at me like he didn’t believe me any more than I believed myself.





TWENTY-SEVEN

HANNAH BAUER

“I can’t even describe what it feels like to be carrying a child after everything I’ve been through,” I told Allison over the phone. My secret had lasted two days. I’d grieved the idea of having a baby like it was a real death, so it was like finding out your grandfather was alive after you’d been to his funeral. It was that shocking. I couldn’t help myself—I had to tell her.

“Have you told Christopher yet?”

“No, I still haven’t.”

“I wish you’d hurry up and tell him. You have to tell him before dinner next weekend because he’s going to take one look at my face and know something’s up.”

I laughed. She’d always been a terrible liar. “I will.”

I was afraid of Christopher’s reaction. What if he wasn’t happy about it and his negativity affected the baby? Made something bad happen to it? It seemed so silly since all we’d wanted for years was a baby, but I was afraid he might not want it now that we had Janie. I kept putting it off, but I couldn’t put it off much longer.

We were in the middle of an episode of Homeland that night when I just blurted out, “I’m pregnant.”

I wasn’t even planning on it. It just came out.

“What did you say?” he asked.

“I’m pregnant.” The words still felt strange in my mouth, even though I’d talked about it with Mom and Allison.

“What—how—I just . . . how did that happen? I don’t get it . . .” He shook his head in disbelief.

I smiled. “Let me explain it to you. First, the woman has eggs, and the man releases his sperm—”

He cut me off. “This isn’t funny. Seriously, how did you get pregnant?”

I flicked the TV off and turned to face him. “I don’t know. I just did.”

The silence stretched out between us. He stood up and paced the living room, something he only did when he was nervous. I’d watched him do it in the scrub room as he prepared for a big surgery. My stomach churned. I’d been afraid of this. I wasn’t a superstitious person, but I was obsessed with keeping things positive in regard to the baby. Somehow, it felt like keeping all the negative stuff away from the baby might be the key to keeping it.