The Perfect Child(46)

TWENTY-SIX

HANNAH BAUER

Pictures of exotic flowers framed each wall. I pulled the thin white gown around me as I shivered. I glanced at the magazines in the stand underneath the prescription drug brochures and nursing home pamphlets, but I was too anxious to read anything. I couldn’t believe I might be going into menopause at forty-one. I hadn’t had any other symptoms besides my missed periods until I had started feeling exhausted and sluggish, like I could fall asleep at any moment. Lately after we put Janie to sleep, we’d curl up on the couch to watch Netflix, and I was out within ten minutes.

“Lots of women go through menopause early now,” Allison had said on the phone yesterday, but it hadn’t made me feel any better, seeing as she was almost a year older than me and hadn’t gone into menopause yet.

I scrolled through my phone, staring at pictures of Janie while I waited for my doctor to come back inside with the results of my blood work. She’d made so much progress in the last two months. She functioned best in a structured environment, and I’d finally found a schedule that worked well for her. The plan had never been that I would turn into a stay-at-home mom, but I’d had to put in a leave of absence at the hospital since I wasn’t going back anytime soon.

Our days were filled with therapy of every kind—speech, physical, occupational, and play. Most of the therapy rooms had two-way mirrors, where I watched from the other side. I took notes throughout all her sessions so I could replicate the exercises at home.

Dr. Walsh tapped lightly on the door before entering. “Your blood work came back fine. It doesn’t look like you have any sort of virus. We did find one thing in your urine, though.”

My stomach flipped. What could they have found in my urine that they wouldn’t have found in my blood? A bladder infection? Sugar? I flipped through scenarios quickly.

“Don’t look so scared.” Dr. Walsh smiled. “It’s great news—you’re pregnant.”

Everything spun in front of me. For a second, I thought I might pass out. I grabbed the sides of the hospital bed to steady myself. “Are you sure?”

“Positive,” she said, smiling at her own joke.



I didn’t remember the drive home from the clinic. One minute I was in the doctor’s office finding out I was pregnant, and the next minute I was in the kitchen with my mom. She tried to come visit for a few days every month, and it was a huge help. She’d gotten into town the night before. I was as shocked as if I’d found out I had a brain tumor.

“What’s wrong? You’re so pale,” Mom said as she pulled one of the barstools out for me. “Sit down and tell me what’s going on.”

I slid onto the chair. “Where’s Janie?” I asked.

“She’s playing out back with Allison and the boys. Allison texted me on their way home from soccer practice, and I told her to stop by,” she said. “Those boys just love Janie so much. She was great today. She tied her shoes by herself before they went outside.”

“That’s good,” I said. I fanned myself with my hand, suddenly so hot.

Mom grabbed one of the other stools and pulled it next to me. “What’s going on? You’re scaring me.”

My throat was so dry it was hard to swallow. My head swirled. “I’m pregnant,” I whispered.

“What? Did you say you were pregnant?” Her voice reverberated off the kitchen walls.

I grabbed her arm. “Shhh, don’t yell it out. I don’t want people to know.”

“What are you talking about? That’s amazing news! I’m so excited for you,” she gushed.

I shook my head. “I don’t want people to know. I’m sure it’s not going to last. I’m just shocked.” My mom and I were close, so I didn’t need to explain my fertility issues to her.

She looked behind her, making sure the back door was closed, before she spoke again. “How is that possible? How far along are you?”

“I don’t know.” I still felt like I couldn’t swallow. “Can I have a glass of water?”

She jumped up and rushed over to the sink, as comfortable in our kitchen as she was in her own. She poured me a glass and brought it back to me. I gulped it down nearly halfway before stopping, wiped my mouth with the back of my sleeve, and took a deep breath. “I went to the doctor because I thought I was going into early menopause. I missed two periods, and I’m so tired lately, so I figured that’s what was happening.” I burst out laughing. It sounded weird, not like my normal laugh. “She took some routine blood and urine just to see if anything showed up. Turns out”—I pointed to my stomach—“this.”

“And they’re sure?”

“The HCG levels don’t lie.” It meant we had gotten pregnant the first night we had made love since bringing Janie home. I blushed at the memory, glad my mom couldn’t read my thoughts.

“God, I can’t believe it. After all this time. Did you call Christopher on the way home? What’d he say?”

I shook my head. “I’m not going to tell him.”

She snapped her head back. “What?”

“There’s no sense getting him all worked up when I’m sure I’m just going to have a miscarriage anyway. What’s the point?”