The Friends We Keep(104)

Maggie was furious with Evvie, but as she sat here, talking to Jack, she found her anger was transforming into emotions she wasn’t sure she even had the words for. There was raw pain for what Maggie was going through, of course, but it was suddenly mixed with empathy and regret; the last things she wanted to feel.

Jack didn’t notice. He kept talking, telling her of his relief when his mom left Lance and, standing on her own two feet again, had built a new life for herself. He talked about his college years, his love of computer science, his love of his friends, how he had landed an amazing job while he was still a senior, and that he loved California, but always had a sense that he didn’t quite fit in anywhere. It wasn’t that he didn’t have friends, he explained, but that he had always felt like something of an other.

“Is that not having known your dad, do you think?” ventured Maggie.

“Maybe. Although it’s more likely to be my own unique crazy mix. Part Jamaican, part American. And now half-English.” He looked across at a photo of Ben, his gaze lingering for a couple of seconds before turning to the window. “I know this sounds crazy because I’ve been here for about five minutes, but . . .” He gazed outside, trailing off.

“You feel like you’ve come home?”

He turned to look at her. “It is crazy, isn’t it? I felt it as soon as I stepped into the airport. I just have this sense of belonging.”

“I don’t know. I think it makes sense.” She was staring at him again, catching herself with a quick laugh as she covered her face with her hands. “I’m sorry, Jack. I’m sorry I keep staring at you. Please don’t think I’m a creepy old woman. It’s just that . . . Ben would have loved you so much.”

“I wish I’d known him.”

“So do I,” said Maggie, even though she had no idea what the impact would have been on their marriage. Now that he was gone, there was no point in being angry with Ben. And what if she had discovered this when they were together? What would she have done? Would she have stayed? Would she have left? She could never have forgiven a long-term affair, but if it truly had been, as Evvie said it was, a one-night stand, would she have been able to forgive that? She would have been devastated, and yet, Ben would have had a son. If she had managed to forgive him, if they had found a way to stay together, she would have had a . . . What would he have been? A stepson, she supposed. How different their life would have been. Jack coming to stay for holidays, Ben wrapping a Sheffield Wednesday scarf around his neck, taking him to the matches. She would have taught Jack to cook. Perhaps the three of them would have formed their own family, even though she was certain that twenty-one years ago, had she known, she would never have spoken to Evvie again.

And now? Now that Ben was gone? Now that Jack was here? A piece of Ben. A reminder of what they always wanted, what they couldn’t have, what she might be able to have now. Although what right did she have to this young man? He was her late husband’s illegitimate son, not her stepson. He was not part of her family, even though he felt like he should be.

Silence fell. Jack got up and picked up photographs, staring at his father as Maggie sat back in the chair, exhausted by the emotions of the day. Jack looked over at her. “What happens now? How do you feel about . . . my mom?”

Maggie shook her head, overwhelmed. “I have no idea. I have no idea how I feel about any of it. Other than meeting you, which feels like the most precious gift I’ve been given in ages. It’s like having a piece of my husband back. It’s so strange, seeing you smile, and watching the way you move. Your hairline!” Jack touched his hairline, self-conscious. “It’s the Curran hairline. Your grandfather has it, too, that distinctive widow’s peak. If it’s freaking you out, tell me, but I could just sit here and look at you all day. Oh God, I’m sorry. I’ll stop. I think I need a little bit of time to process all of this. We all need some time to sit with this. I can’t have your mother here right now. I’m sorry. I hope you can understand that.”

“I can.” Maggie unfurled herself from the sofa, from Scout, with a long stretch. “I don’t know how I feel about what she’s done either. I’m pissed, and I don’t want to see her now. Thank you, Maggie.” He looked suddenly like a little boy. “Thank you for spending so much time with me, and for telling me about my father.”

“I’m the one who should be thanking you for being so open with me. You’ve told me a lot about your family that I didn’t know. It helps me to understand.” And empathize, she thought. Although she didn’t say it out loud.

Maggie wanted to put her arms around him, hug him, but didn’t want to cross the line and make him uncomfortable. They stood awkwardly for a few seconds, with Maggie then bending down to pet Scout. “I’m going to go and make some tea.” She gave Jack a smile and walked out of the room.

In the kitchen, alone, Maggie sank onto a chair and buried her face in her hands, breaking into sobs, feeling as if her heart was going to either burst with joy or break with pain.

She had no idea which way it was going to go.





forty-nine


- 2019 -



Topher had felt lost ever since Jack showed up, exploding their happy little family. It wasn’t Jack’s fault, he was the last one Topher blamed, but the fact remained: nothing would ever be the same again.