The Friends We Keep(99)

“We need to talk, it isn’t what you . . .” Evvie started before trailing off. Of course it was what she thought.

“What’s going on?” said Jack, his sunny demeanor now gone, confusion written all over his face, which made Evvie catch her breath. All these years she’d worried about keeping the secret from Maggie, and now she had to tell her son. She wasn’t prepared for this, for him showing up out of the blue. Not by a long shot.

And while she knew she owed Maggie an explanation, she had to first take care of her son, whom she ushered outside, still unable to believe he was even here.

“What just happened?” Jack kept asking, but Evvie was shaking and could hardly speak as she hurried him out the front door.

“Let’s go somewhere where we can talk. There’s a lot I have to explain to you. I’ll tell you when we get there,” she said, because she needed some time to calm down.

Hauser & Wirth was a farm that had been transformed into an art gallery. It was the only place Evvie could think of that would be quiet and serene, and she needed some serenity to help her figure out what to say.

When they arrived, Evvie led Jack around the gardens, and taking a deep breath, she explained who his father was, and why she had kept it a secret all these years. Jack said nothing, walked alongside her listening, frowning as he let her talk.

When she told him the whole story, including why she had to keep it a secret, he stopped walking and looked at her, his sunny smile now gone, his tone muted and he had a look in his eye Evvie had never seen before, one that looked suspiciously like distrust.

“I still don’t understand why you couldn’t tell me. I understand why you kept it from Maggie, but . . . I’m your son. You knew I wanted to know who my dad was.” Evvie’s eyes were red and puffy as she acknowledged what he was saying.

“I’m so sorry. It seems so obvious now that I did the wrong thing, but at the time I didn’t want to hurt Maggie. It all felt so complicated and there was no way to tell you without you wanting to get in touch with him, and then . . . then everything would have been different. I thought I would be enough for you. I know how selfish that seems now, but I thought I was doing the right thing.”

“Maggie didn’t need to find out.” Jack’s voice sounded like a child’s. “You could have told my father and we could have had, I don’t know, a secret relationship.”

“It doesn’t work like that, Jack. Marriage doesn’t work like that. I understand that I deprived everyone by keeping the secret. I deprived you of a father and Ben of a son. I have no idea what would have happened if I had told him. I always thought he and Maggie had the perfect marriage, but it seems they didn’t. Maybe it would have split them up, and maybe that wouldn’t have been such a bad thing. At the time I always thought I couldn’t be responsible for that. But now . . .” She trailed off again, not knowing what the right thing to have done would be, before tears sprang into her eyes again.

“I didn’t want to share you with anyone. Oh, Jack, I am so sorry for fucking up so badly. My heart cracked open the day you were born, and everything I’ve done has been for you, and even though I’ve made mistakes, it was never to harm you, it was to protect you. I didn’t want you torn between me and your father. I didn’t want the stresses and problems. I didn’t want you to feel that. I thought I loved you enough to fill the hole of not having a father. I thought I could provide everything you needed.”

Jack stopped walking and turned to her. “You did, Mom. You were always there for me, and you always supported me. I knew what was going on when you were married to Lance and you always protected me. I guess I have sadness more than anything. Especially when I think back to those years. I hated how scared you were, and I wish I’d had a dad to guide me, or advise me. Even Maggie. I know she was your best friend in college, and I get it. But I wish I’d had the choice. I wish I’d been able to choose to have them in my life, even though I totally understand why you did what you did. It’s just . . . I guess I feel betrayed. I always told myself that you probably didn’t even know his last name, because if you did, you would have tracked him down and told him, and I could have had a father. I thought you would have done that for me.”

Evvie wiped a tear away from her cheek. “I made a mistake. A huge one, and I wish I could go back and do things differently. I am so sorry.”

“I’m going to go inside and get a soda. Do you want anything?”

Evvie shook her head, knowing that he needed to be alone, that this was his way of saying he needed a few minutes to breathe, to figure this out. She tried to take a deep breath but she had no idea what she’d done, or what the consequences would be.

When Jack came back twenty minutes later, he was putting his phone in his pocket. He walked over slowly and sat down next to her, looking at his hands.

“I love you, Mom, but I don’t know what to do with this news. I think I need some space to try and figure this out.”

“Are you furious with me? Do you hate me?”

“I could never hate you, but I’m . . .” He struggled to find the word. “Disappointed. I feel betrayed and I don’t know how to get over that. I can’t be with you right now.”

Evvie wanted to let out a howl of pain, but she couldn’t. She nodded, leaking tears. “Can I drive you somewhere? Where will you go?”