The Friends We Keep(101)

“Now I know why you were so hard to see or even talk to on the phone,” said Maggie. “Keep going. So you holed up with him in your luxury hotel for a week.”

“He would go out with friends and come over later, usually. When he was pretty drunk.”

“Now that’s a scenario I recognize,” Maggie said bitterly. “He usually couldn’t help himself when it came to drinking. What was your excuse?”

Evvie shook her head. “I didn’t have one. I figured it was a weeklong fling, I was leaving for New York, and no one would ever know.”

“Thank you for your loyalty.” The sarcasm dripped from Maggie’s lips.

“Maggie, at that point, he wasn’t yours. Sure, you’d had something with him, but he didn’t belong to you. He didn’t belong to anyone.”

“If that had been it, maybe I’d agree with you, but clearly that wasn’t it. What happened when you left?”

“I got to New York and got on with my life, until I discovered I was pregnant. I phoned Ben after I had scheduled an abortion, and he . . .” She stopped. She didn’t want to tell Maggie, but she didn’t want to live with any more lies. “He asked if I would keep it. He said he could come to New York, or I could come to London, and we could make a go of it.”

There was silence from Maggie, but her eyes started to well up.

“That would never have happened,” Evvie burst out. “It was totally unrealistic.”

“He wanted you first,” Maggie whispered.

“He didn’t. I mean, he may have, but it wasn’t real. It was a week.”

“So then what? Twenty-one years ago you decided you couldn’t avoid him anymore and you had to have some fun with him one last time?” spat Maggie.

“He was in New York for a night. You told him to get in touch with me. He did. I didn’t mean for anything to happen but we had a few drinks, of course, and . . . it happened. We slept together. I’m so sorry, Maggie. I regretted it instantly, and it was a one-time thing.”

“I don’t believe you. Tell me the truth. How many times?”

“I swear to you, Maggie, this time I am telling you everything. It was just that night, just once.”

“I suppose you’re going to tell me it meant nothing?” said Maggie.

Evvie shook her head. She had spent years thinking about that night, remembering how it felt to be with the only man she thought she had ever loved, a man she’d built up in her head as the perfect man, a man she only recently discovered she didn’t know at all.

“No,” she said. “It meant everything. I hadn’t seen you in years, and I’d spent those years having disastrous romances with the same addicts and alcoholics over and over again. They followed a pattern, which is no surprise, given my father’s history. As ridiculous as this sounds given what I now know, I held Ben up as the beacon of goodness; he was the one man who I thought wasn’t abusive. He could have been the one man to make me happy. And yet, Maggie, you need to know this, despite that, I regretted it and I felt sick that he was married to you. I would be lying if I said it meant nothing.”

“If this was such a big love affair, why didn’t he leave me? He could have done. We were desperately trying for children at the time, and I couldn’t get pregnant. It would have been easy for him to leave, especially given that you were the one who was able to bear his child.”

“First of all, Maggie, he loved you. I’m not saying he didn’t have feelings for me, but it’s clear to me now that I was telling myself I felt more than I did. I clearly didn’t even know him. He was probably telling himself he felt more than he did, too, especially if as you say you were struggling to have children at that time. All we really had between us was chemistry, that was all. And chemistry is never enough for a lasting relationship. As for Jack, he never knew about him. And, Maggie, whatever he may have thought he felt about me, it didn’t detract from how he felt about you. I’m not sure either of us could have lived with hurting you. We both loved you too much for that. I honestly don’t think I could ever have had a relationship with him knowing he was yours. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” She paused and took a breath. “Seeing him that time was closure for both of us. I never saw him again.”

Evvie closed her eyes. “And I thought I couldn’t see you again either. I couldn’t look you in the eye, knowing what I had done. I am so, so sorry, Maggie. I know you won’t ever be able to forgive me, even though I hope by some miracle you might be able to in time. I never ever meant to hurt you.”

Maggie said nothing, staring down at the ground for a long time. When she reached for her teacup, Evvie saw that she was shaking as much as Evvie was. And Evvie waited. She had never known Maggie to shout, to get angry, but if ever there were a time when anger would be justified, this would be it.

Maggie downed the rest of her whiskey and looked over at Evvie. “I don’t know what to say,” she whispered, her voice small. “What a betrayal, Evvie. What a huge, awful betrayal. I believe everything you said about not wanting to hurt me, and yet here I am. Devastated.”

“I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.” There was nothing else Evvie could say.

“Please stop saying that. If you never meant to hurt me, you would not have slept with my husband. I can just about get my head around your perfect week after we graduated, but I don’t understand how you let it happen again when you knew he was married, and not just married, but married to me.” Maggie let out another bitter laugh before her eyes started to glisten. “You had his baby, and you never told him. I don’t know which is worse. Do you have any idea how much he wanted a son? What he would have given to have had a son? Maybe he would have got sober if he’d known about his son.” She gave a short, humorless snort. “God knows he couldn’t do it for me.”