The Certainty of Violet & Luke(58)

After I’m fully awake, I roll onto my side and spot Violet sitting on the floor wearing one of my t-shirts, her hair in messy bun. She’s hovering over what looks like a Calculus book, tapping a pen against the pages. The fact that she’s doing her homework this early alone is shocking, but what’s really getting to me is the fact that I didn’t hear her wake up. I always here Violet wake up, her gasping ritual too loud to sleep through. Was I that tired? Did I manage to sleep through it finally?

I sit up in bed and glance around, like the mystery of what’s going on lies somewhere in the garbage and clutter around our narrow room and the dirty laundry on the floor. ‘How long have you been awake?’ I ask, but she doesn’t respond, bobbing her head up and down to a tune only she seems to hear.

Climbing out of bed, I notice she has earbuds in. She looks totally into her assignment, too, her hand moving ridiculously fast. I almost don’t want to interrupt her, but I also want to get to the bottom of what’s going on. So I grab a pair of boxers, slip them on, then settle on the floor beside her. My sudden appearance startles her and she jumps, pressing her hand to her heart.

‘Fuck, you scared me,’ she says really loudly, dropping her hand into her lap.

I reach for the earbud cord and give it a little tug, causing them to fall out of her ears.

‘Oh,’ she says then scratches her head. ‘I almost forgot I had those in.’

I toss the earbuds aside. ‘How long have you been awake?’

Her eyes rise to the ceiling as she thinks about it. ‘I don’t know … maybe like an hour.’

I glance over my shoulder and look at the time. A quarter after nine. ‘You woke up voluntarily before ten o’clock? Seriously?’

She sets the pen down on the open book and rubs her eyes. ‘Yeah, I slept well. Guess my body wakes up earlier when it gets rest.’

She’s avoiding eye contact me, her head tucked down, strands of her hair hanging into her face. I should just let it go. Clearly whatever’s going on, she wants to keep it to herself. But I can’t f*cking help it – I need to know.

‘So you slept well?’ I run my hand over my cropped brown hair. ‘Really?’

She shrugs. ‘Better than I have in a really long time.’

I pause. Don’t say it. ‘Any nightmares?’ Fuck, why can’t I just keep my dumb mouth shut?

There’s an elongated pause and then she’s gives her head the softest shake. ‘No,’ she whispers, almost sounding like she’s in pain. I see a tear roll down her cheek, but she swiftly wipes it away with her hand.

‘How long has it been since that happened?’ I ask, treading with caution. Another tear escapes her eyes and this time I wipe it away from her cheek myself. I leave my hand there and she relaxes into my touch.

She squeezes her eyes closed then inhales deeply. ‘Since I was five.’

This is a huge moment for her, one that she should be celebrating, so her tears are confusing to me. ‘Can you … Can I ask … why you’re upset?’ I know I’m treading on thin water. An emotional Violet usually means instability and the risk of her doing something to herself, but I need to figure out what’s going on, how I can help take the pain away.

She sucks in another sharp breath. ‘Because I’m afraid of why they stopped.’

‘Do you know why? ‘

‘Maybe.’

I waver, unsure what the right thing to say it. ‘Do you want to talk about it?’

She quickly shakes her head. ‘No, not right now.’

I’m not sure what to do, what to say to her, what the hell is going on in her head. Maybe it’s because I can’t see her eyes – they usually give me a sliver of insight into what she’s keeping trapped inside her.

I fix my finger under her chin and tip it up so I can have a better look at her. Her green eyes are massive, swimming with powerful emotions and glossed with tears. For a brief instant, I’m struck speechless by the sight.

‘Please … just tell me what I can do.’ Because I need to do something otherwise I’m going to go crazy worrying about her.

Her eyes search mine. The longer she studies me, the more the tears subside. ‘You could take me for coffee.’

I’m thrown for a turn my her simple response. ‘Really? That’s what you need right now?’

She nods, more at ease. ‘Caffeine seems like the best thing ever right now.’ She gets to her feet and heads for the closet to get some clothes. ‘And a healthy addiction for the most part.’