Smolder (Anita Blake, Vampire Hunter, #29)(69)

“It will be a tight fit,” Jean-Claude agreed.

“Three fits, because we’ve done that before,” Nathaniel said.

“The three of you?” Richard made the statement a question with an uptilt in his voice.

“Yeah.”

“Oui.”

Nathaniel slipped his arm around Jean-Claude’s slender waist and laid his head on the taller man’s shoulder. I realized then that while we weren’t in the middle of a pissing contest, it was a who-belongs-where moment that can happen when your polyamory is as complicated as ours. Jean-Claude put his arm around Nathaniel, because to do anything else would have been seen as a rejection, but it upped Richard’s discomfort. I reached out to him so he could at least be holding someone’s hand. He took that as more invitation than I meant it to be and drew me into a one-armed hug, so we damn near mirrored the other two.

“I know it sounds weird for me to say I’m new to polyamory, because I’ve been on the sidelines of yours for so long, but I don’t know how to navigate this without upsetting some of you, which is the last thing I want to do.” He hugged me sort of nervously, and I stroked his back like you’d do to soothe someone. Touch isn’t always about sex, even when you’re nude and negotiating to have sex later.

“Who are you comfortable with in the shower, Richard?” Jean-Claude asked, no nickname this time, which meant he was either upset, cautious, or maybe mon lupe wasn’t going to be his permanent nickname for the big werewolf. I’d ask Jean-Claude later in private.

“Anita and you; sorry, Nathaniel, but I’m not ready for more men.”

“And I don’t want to have sex with you either,” Nathaniel said.

Richard startled so hard I felt it like a full-body movement. It must have showed on his face, because Nathaniel laughed, which made Richard start to get defensive and angry enough for that edge of heat to play along my skin where I touched him, his wolf waking up with his emotions. I stopped stroking his back and hugged him instead, hoping to help.

“Nathaniel, he has admitted his attraction to another man for the first time tonight, would you laugh at him for it?” Again, no nickname, Jean-Claude was serious.

Nathaniel’s face sobered. “I’m sorry, Richard, that was shitty of me, but you come in here and sweep Jean-Claude and Anita off their feet, then you reject me, and when I reject you back, you act offended like you can’t believe I would turn you down. Just because I’m bisexual doesn’t mean I want to sleep with everyone I meet.”

Richard’s anger and that hint of heat faded as he took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I know that being bisexual doesn’t mean you want to sleep with everyone, but I’m used to how women react to me, and I hadn’t thought about how I’d feel if men don’t react the same way.”

“What way is that?” I asked, as the only woman.

He seemed embarrassed now, as if having to explain it meant something I didn’t understand.

“Women want to date me, or at least have sex with me. I don’t think I’ve ever set my sights on anyone and not at least gotten a first date.”

“You’ve been tall, dark, and handsome your whole life,” I said.

He hugged me. “Yes, and I’m used to women seeing me that way. It hadn’t occurred to me until Nathaniel said no that now I’ve got an entirely new group of people that I’ll want to see me as attractive.”

“But you don’t want to sleep with me,” Nathaniel said.

“I don’t, sorry.”

“That’s okay, because I’m not attracted to you either.”

Richard frowned. “Is it weird to say that I’m both relieved and bothered by that?”

I hugged him tighter. “It’s okay to feel whatever you’re feeling, Richard.”

“It’s not weird,” Nathaniel said, “it’s just how you feel. I went through something similar when Anita wouldn’t sleep with me for so long. I’d never met anyone who didn’t want me before and it really hurt my sense of self.”

I reached my hand toward him, and he came forward to take it, his arm leaving Jean-Claude’s waist. The vampire caught his hand so that they didn’t stop touching, though, which made Nathaniel look back and smile at him.

“But you’re together now,” Richard said.

“We are. In fact, Anita being the first person who ever valued me without sex helped me see myself as a whole person. I think if we’d just fucked from the beginning I wouldn’t have had all the breakthroughs that I’ve had.”

“I valued you without sleeping with you, mon minet.”

“But I was your mentee to be taught how to use the right fork at fancy dinners and to dance onstage at your club without cheapening the show. I never dreamed that you had any interest in me as more than that.”

“You were very young when we first met and seemed even younger in so many ways. I could not have breached your trust like that even if I wished to; far too many other people had taken advantage of you, and I would not add my name to that sad list.”

Nathaniel took his hand back. “You make me sound like a stray puppy.”

“I do not mean to, mon minet. I once was also everyone’s victim and thought my worth lay only in my beauty. You were like a shadow of my own past. I could not abuse you, and when we first met, you were almost incapable of saying no. When a person cannot tell you no either through your power over them or their own powerlessness, then it is rape, and that is repugnant to me.”