Rising (Blue Phoenix, #4)(86)

She’s the Ruby she deserves to be, free from *s who can’t tell her when they love her.

I imagine the colours we talked about swimming around her head; the ones I see too if I close my eyes. Regret coils around my heart the longer I look at Ruby. She’s me, or the me I would like to be.

If I were in the movies, I’d walk on stage and kiss the girl beneath the strobing lights. I’d confess my undying love with a song dedicated to Ruby. But life isn’t like the movies, and we’re certainly not typical when it comes to that shit. Probably, she’d tell me to f-uck off. Instead, I watch and wait. When the set finishes, I don’t move. The crowds thin as the evening ends with only a couple of double-take glances thrown my way, most don’t notice me.

Half an hour later, the band re-appears to get drinks and dismantle their gear. Ruby sits on the edge of the stage, long legs crossed and barefoot. Her skin shines, hair damp, my post-gig Ruby soaked in happiness. Jax approaches with a bottle of water and she smiles as he passes it to her.

Then he kisses her forehead, running a finger across her face as he steps back.

My world of colour darkens as I watch them, the old insecurity niggling. Are they together? Is this the real reason she’s keeping me at a distance? Jax wanders over to where Will and Nate dismantle the drum kit, and I’m on the verge of leaving as the turmoil of my day is joined by more. This is f-ucking exhausting. A few minutes later, Ruby disappears and my inner debate rages. Do I follow or stay?

She’s better off with Jax.

But I can’t let her slip away, not without a fight.

The door to the Green Room is open and Ruby sits on the edge of the dilapidated sofa, gripping her water. The dampness on her face isn’t only perspiration. Tears travel slowly down her cheeks and she stares at her boots, mouth turned down. But she looked happy?

“Ruby?”

Looking up sharply, she scrubs away the tears with the back of her hand, but new ones shine in her eyes.

“Can I talk to you?” She nods but doesn’t speak, and her distress radiates across the room. Quietly, I close the door. “Are you okay?”

“I’m surprised to see you, Jem,” she replies, turning concerned eyes to mine. “It was the funeral today, wasn’t it?”

Now it’s my turn to nod.

“You were good tonight,” I say after a few moments of silence that shouldn’t be as awkward as we make it.

“Thanks.” She pauses. “How are you?”

“Pretty crap. You?”

She gives a small smile. “About the same.”

“What’s wrong?”

Ruby’s hair hangs in her eyes and she blows it away. “Jax is still worried about the tour in January.”

“Why?”

“In case we… this between us means Blue Phoenix don’t want Ruby Riot to support anymore.”

“Huh. I’m not that unprofessional. I put a crap load of time and money into you guys.”

“Okay.” She’s still fighting tears. This isn’t her; this isn’t about the band.

“Stop avoiding my question. What happened? Is Dan back on the scene?”

“No! He’s gone, moved somewhere else with another girl. I don’t know where, a f-ucking long way I hope.”

“But I haven’t seen you like this before, not for a long time. Is this because of me?”

Ruby fixes me with a curious look. “Don’t flatter yourself, Jem Jones.” I smile and she half-smiles back. “What did you want?”

“You.”

The words echo our first meeting and she recognises my lame attempt to reach out. “This time do you mean Ruby Riot or me?”

I tuck my hands into my pockets, playing over the rehearsed words. They all sound wrong but so right at the same time. “You. I miss you.”

“Well, you’ll get to spend plenty of time with me on tour in a couple of months.” She stands. “The guys are in the bar if you want to chat to them. I’m sure they’d love to know you came to see us.”

“I came to see you.”

Her hands tremble and the fought-back tears are ripping me apart. Something’s wrong. She could be lying about Dan. I scan her naked skin for signs of bruises, nothing.

“Why? So you can screw around with my feelings again?” Ruby would’ve snapped this, but she’s Ruby Tuesday and speaks with a defeated hurt.

“I didn’t mean to. I just f*cked it up like everything else.”

Ruby rubs her head as she considers what to say. “You probably did the right thing; we’d have hurt each other more than we did.”

“You think?”

“We can’t give the whole of ourselves, so how could we avoid this happening eventually?”

No, she’s so wrong.

This is it, I have one chance. If opening the final part of my heart to Ruby doesn’t work, I’ll know there’s no future. If there’s no chance for us, I can shovel away all the crap in my life in one day, and start again. “I already gave you the whole of myself, Ruby, that’s why I got scared.”

“Stop it, Jem.”

I take a ragged breath and the words fall out, because if I stop they’ll never find their way to the ears of the girl who needs to hear. “You have a part of me; you always had a part of me, Ruby.” I resist the urge to stare at my feet, willing her to look at me too. “I came here because I have to tell you the truth that I’ve lied to us both about.”