Rising (Blue Phoenix, #4)(88)

“If what is a big deal? Now you’re the one talking in riddles. Something that keeps us apart?”

I sit next to Ruby and touch her bare leg. She laces her hands in mine. “I’m scared.”

“Why?”

“Shit!” She slams her head against the back of the sofa. “You said I took a part of you when I left.”

“When I made you leave.”

“Well, I literally did.” Ruby looks at me warily.

“Oh. What did you take? I’m sure it wasn’t important if I haven’t noticed. The guitar? I said you could have that.”

“Jem, I’m pregnant.”

The world shifts into slow motion, the words exploding through my mind as I grab at the scattering thoughts; make attempts at sentences, a reaction. Ruby launches into a burbling breakdown of what she’ll do, how she’ll fix it. I grip her hand. “Ruby, stop talking. Are you sure?”

“Yeah. Not very pregnant, I mean, it’s early days and that makes it easier to decide.” The breathless words are accompanied by her staring at the wall.

Finally, my brain processes the world-shattering information. “Holy f-ucking f-uck.”

“I thought something along the same lines. I didn’t do this on purpose, Jem; it’s not something on my life plan for the next few years.”

“Or mine.”

Ruby chews her mouth. “Yeah.”

“No, I don’t mean…” I tip her chin to me. She’s scared and I f-ucking hate Ruby scared. “Falling in love wasn’t in my plans either.”

Ruby tries to move, but I hold tight. “I need time to process this. I just came from my mum’s funeral and that was a big enough headf*ck.”

“I didn’t plan on telling you right now; but I thought before I went home with you, I had to, in case it changed your mind.” The realisation she might not have told me at all hits. Surely, she would? “I couldn’t stand to go back, spend a night with you, and be kicked aside.”

She’s rambling again, and I wipe the worry from Ruby’s face with both my hands, kissing her cheeks, lips, forehead, anything to show her that words don’t matter even though the ones I heard blew my world so far off its axis there’s no way I’ll ever get back into the same orbit again.

“I can say with complete honesty and certainty that whatever happens, this will not change my mind.”

I squeeze Ruby to me, in case she changes her mind and wants to run or doesn’t believe my words. I came to speak to her tonight because I put my past to rest and had to know if Ruby belonged there, or in my future. Now Ruby is where she should be: in my arms and my heart.

Ruby’s body trembles against mine and I hold her tighter. I will never, ever, let this girl go. Whatever she needs, she gets; and if that’s my love, then I have that covered.

“I love you,” I whisper against her hot cheek. “I have never loved anybody before, never knew how until you. You found your way to the deepest part of my heart where that love hides and claimed it.”

“Only because you were ready to love someone,” she says against my neck.

“No, only because I love you. I was always waiting for Ruby Tuesday to come into my life and show me who I really am. Hers.”

I find out I’m going to be a dad on the day I say goodbye to my mum and the crap of my childhood. Can I do any better? This is fate’s ultimate demonstration I belong with Ruby. For the first time, the future exists and life is no longer the past or the day-to-day survival against relapsing. I have a place to go and somebody to take with me.

Sure, this isn’t tied up in a neat little bow or a verse in a Hallmark card, but we can do this. I will always give Ruby what she needs because I’m not giving; I’m sharing a part of myself that has always belonged to her.

More than that, somebody somewhere decided we should share ourselves in another person, and that’s f-ucking fine by me.





Chapter Thirty-Seven



January



Ruby



I head out of the Ladies and back to the sound check. Morning sickness? All f-ucking day sickness. This accompanying lack of energy and exhaustion isn’t helping. Shouldn’t this have stopped by now? The tour will be over before I’m whale-sized pregnant so I thought everything would be okay. I’m past the twelve weeks and I read things are supposed to be easier now. The fact my body hates being pregnant worries me, as if telling me something. What the hell have I decided to go through with?

Jem hovers outside and comes straight over. “You okay? You been sick again?” He puts a hand on my clammy forehead. “You have!”

“Jesus, Jem. What are you going to be like when I go into labour?” I hiss.

“I worry about you.”

“I’m coping with the tour, aren’t I?”

We’re four dates into a two-month tour, trawling around Europe. The Ruby Riot boys are doing the tour bus experience; I’m flying with Jem as much as possible. I received some teasing about being too good for them now I’m rock royalty, and I retorted about how unpleasant their house is so why would I want to share their equally confined space on a bus?

Jem wipes my face with the sleeve of his shirt then kisses my forehead softly. “But if you need to…”