Rising (Blue Phoenix, #4)(81)

“Dealing in my own way.”

Dylan stands too. “I’m here, Jem. I understand this. You know that.”

Dylan was the first person who ever found out what was going on in my screwed up childhood. He was in a bad place too, his dad had left, and he shared my anger. Everything came out - where my mum was, her boyfriends’ treatment of me and her. The next time Mum went away, Dylan told his mum he was staying over at mine. And the next time, until Dylan was always there when she wasn’t. We’d go back to my place and get drunk; we were twelve years old.

One night Dylan picked up my guitar and I started to teach him with the aid of one of my ‘how to play guitar’ books. Our shared bond over the hurt surrounding us found its way into another outlet, the one that bonded our lives forever after. Music. We were shit when we first started playing covers of classics, three years later we began writing our own stuff.

Not long after, we discovered Liam, Bryn, and Blue Phoenix. Then we found drugs and fame; until eventually, me and Dylan frequently lost each other. He’s the only person I’ve ever let in and that’s only through a lot of shoving on his part.

“She’s dying.”

Worried he might hug me, I step back.

Dylan chews on the corner of his lip. “Shit, Jem,” he says softly.

“Pretty much.”

“And you’ve seen her?” Dylan sits again, watching me with the old concern.

“Yeah. First time since she left me.”

When it happened all those years ago, I never knew Mum had left for good, not for a while. The days following my realisation she was never coming back were numb; a week later, I fell apart, and so began the pattern for my life. Switch off and if I can’t numb myself, I use something to help me. I think I was drunk for two weeks straight. Right now, I’m close to stepping back there.

Dylan was there all those years ago, supporting, channelling my destructive needs into writing new songs and pushing me into music as my salvation. One person in the world knows who I am behind the Jem Jones mask, and I’ve also pushed him away when he’s got too close.

Two people, Jem. I shake the thought away.

Other shit has happened between me and Dylan, complicated crap from drug-induced mistakes; but we always come back together.

Now he has Sky.

“How long until…?” he asks.

“She dies? Not long. She’s really sick. Cancer.” My staccato answers to the questions coming will have to do. I don’t have it in me to delve back to that day at the hospice.

“When was this, Jem?”

“Four days ago.”

“When did you end things with Ruby?”

“Four days ago.”

Dylan throws his hands up. “So, rather than turn to her for support, you pushed away the person who loves you. What the f-uck for?”

“She doesn’t love me! We don’t do love, Dylan. I’m not you.”

Slowly, Dylan shakes his head. “How do you feel right now?”

“We gonna talk about our feelings?” I say with a snort. “Maybe we should hold hands.”

“Fine. Shut me out too. What happened to living your life after rehab, Jem?”

“This is a hiccup. I’ll move on.”

“You don’t see your mum for fourteen years, and then you do and she’s dying? That isn’t a hiccup. You need support.” He sighs. “Come and stay with me and Sky.”

“No bloody way!”

Dylan runs a hand across his mouth. “Okay, I’m staying here. I’ll call Sky and tell her I’ll be away a few days.”

“I don’t want anyone here!”

“Have you thought about using again?” he says in a low voice.

“No!” My face betrays me; Dylan knows me too well. “It’s harder to control, yeah. Bryn was right, getting into a relationship was too much.”

“You’re a f-ucking idiot. Please explain to me why you pushed her away. I don’t give a shit what you say, that girl loves you, and you love her.”

Does she? How would I know? The concept is weird. I have no comparison. Spending a week waking and aching for her isn’t love; that’s not good. Ruby consuming my thoughts - how is she? What’s she doing? Unhealthy. I miss her with a despair that’s too familiar.

“She’d only hurt me,” I say eventually.

“So you decided to pre-empt it by hurting both of you? Smart move.”

“I’ll get over it.”

“Will you? ‘Cause I don’t think there’s any other Rubys out there. It’s like rewinding and watching a female version of you, Jem. That’s how close she is. And you saw that too; I know it.”

Dylan’s right. Of course, he’s f-ucking right. I pushed her away because I worried she’d push me away, that the fall-out would send me spiralling back into addiction. I didn’t bargain on being unable to switch off how I feel about Ruby, unaware of how deep in my heart she’d settled. Guilt over somebody else’s feelings is new – over my stubborn stupidity that blew apart the one thing holding me together. Us. We opened up, cared, saw each other’s truths and the broken pieces fell into place. I threw the fragile relationship as hard as I could away from me and shattered everything – me, Ruby, the new place of peace we’d created.