Rising (Blue Phoenix, #4)(79)

“I don’t understand, Jem,” I say hoarsely.

“No, neither do I.”

“Talk to me.”

Jem turns away. “I’m sorry.”

I wait. I don’t know what for, but he doesn’t speak again. I could touch Jem, try to get through to the truth, but I’m scared. No explanation from Jem is better than one from him containing words I can use against myself to rip apart my new self-belief. I know Jem lashes out when we fight, can say hurtful things, and I’ll use the words as weapons against myself if this happens. With calm from years of practice, from hiding the distress and keeping control, I walk away to pack a bag.

I play over and over in my mind what I might’ve done wrong. I backed off on being needy, or I thought I did. He has to be screwing someone else; otherwise, why would he drop what we had so easily?

Jem has gone when I leave the bedroom with my bag and I stand in the lounge of the place I began to call home, overwhelmed by the grief twisting around my insides, strangling the life from me. How can he do this?

I climb into the car as anger joins the hurt, at being treated by him in such a dismissive way. Jem knows my self-worth is practically non-existent in personal relationships so I challenge myself to accept this is nothing to do with me. This is Jem, the f*cked up guy who can’t admit he feels.

Perhaps I should be thankful that, although he shattered my fragile heart into a multitude of pieces I won’t find again in a hurry, he gave me the strength to leave Dan and push Ruby Riot’s need for success. I can be who I want and achieve the dreams I never thought possible. In the future, I can take what I’ve learnt from this.

One day I’ll have a relationship with a normal man.



****



Jem



I’m doing the right thing.

Exhausted, I go to bed, wrap myself up in the sheets, and fight away memories of seeing Mum today. I wake in the night and put a hand out for Ruby, but she’s not there. Of course, because I f*cked up. I pull across the pillow she slept on and bury my head into the cotton, inhaling the scent of her shampoo.

I’m doing the right thing.

Sleep eludes me and I pull myself out of bed, the process automatic. Get up. Get dressed. Treadmill. My guitar is propped against the drawers; the guitar Ruby likes to use on the days I persuade her to play to me. I should give her it, when she comes back to pick up the rest of her gear.

A spike of regret shocks me; an ache filling the void, reminding me it’s not only my bed that’s empty. I blank any thoughts of Ruby, retreat to the numb world where I’m on my own and I’m safe.

I’m doing the right thing.

Keep telling yourself that, Jem.





Chapter Thirty-Three



Ruby



A couple of days later, I’m settling into my new place, the boys’ sofa. I gave up my share house when I gave in to my feelings about Jem and moved in with him. Again, living and breathing Ruby Riot isn’t as fun as it should be and I set about looking for somewhere else to live. November isn’t the best time of year for doing this; most are already taken by students. Moving in with Jem and giving up my share house five minutes into a relationship with him wasn’t the smartest move.

Jax hasn’t said anything yet, but I knew what his first thought was when I arrived on his doorstep and told him about me and Jem. We’re booked to tour with Blue Phoenix in late January onwards; Steve gave us the green light. Will that still happen if Jem Jones’s ex-f-uck is part of the package? Two months until we leave, I can be over him and we can behave like adults about this surely?

A few days after Jem ended us, Bryn calls out of the blue.

“Did something happen?” he asks abruptly. “I asked you to call me if you thought Jem needed help.”

I’m put out I should be expected to care about the man who f*cked with my heart. “He finished our relationship and asked me to leave. I didn’t think I needed to tell you everything.”

“Why did he end things?”

“I don’t know. Ask him. I think he’s screwing around and is too scared of a real relationship.”

Bryn goes quiet. “Oh. Okay. Maybe that’s why I can’t get in touch with him.”

My stomach flips at Bryn’s easy acceptance that this is probably the reason. “Check up on him.”

“I’m overseas. I’ll see if Dylan or Liam is around. Someone needs to see if he’s okay if you think it’s needed.”

“He was behaving oddly, shutting down. I don’t know; it’s not as if I was around him long, but to me he seemed… wrong.”

“But this is why I’m surprised. He was different around you. I don’t get why he’d f-uck up something good for him.”

“Because he’s Jem Jones?” I suggest.

“Yeah, there is that.” Bryn swears under his breath. “I’m worried because he won’t answer my calls. I told him a relationship was a mistake… He’d better not have done something stupid…”

I should’ve called Bryn as soon as we split; but I wanted to blank Jem from my mind, so I didn’t have to deal with the tears. Not that the attempt worked, fragments of Jem’s splintered life pierced mine and I’m left with painful shards trapped beneath my skin.