Reminders of Him(63)
“Are you rich?” It just comes out. I rub my face after I ask it and say, “Sorry. That was rude.”
He laughs and rests his elbows on his knees. “It’s okay. The house is cheaper than it looks. Roman and I have done most of the work by hand over the last couple of years, but I made good investments with the money I got from my football contract. It’s mostly gone now, but I got a business out of it, and now a home. Can’t complain.”
I’m happy for him. At least life works out for some people.
We all have our failures, though, I suppose. I’m curious what Ledger’s failures are. “Wait,” I say, remembering at least one thing that didn’t quite work out for him. “Weren’t you supposed to get married this weekend?”
Ledger nods. “Two hours ago, actually.”
“Are you sad about it?”
“Of course,” he says. “I don’t regret the decision, but I am sad it didn’t work out. I love her.”
He said love, as in present tense. I wait for him to correct himself, but he doesn’t, and then I realize that wasn’t a mistake. He loves her still. I guess realizing your life isn’t compatible with someone else’s doesn’t erase the feelings that are there.
There’s a tiny flame of jealousy suddenly flickering in my chest. “How did you propose to her?”
“Do we really have to talk about this?” He’s laughing, like the subject is more awkward than sad.
“Yes. I’m nosy.”
He exhales and then says, “I asked her dad for permission first. And then I bought her the ring she’d been not so subtle about wanting. I took her to dinner on our second anniversary and had this big proposal planned in the park down the street from the restaurant. Her friends and family were there waiting, and then I got down on one knee and proposed. It was your typical Instagram-worthy engagement.”
“Did you cry?”
“No. I was too nervous.”
“Did she?”
He cocks his head like he’s trying to think back. “I don’t think so. Maybe a tear or two? It was dark, which I didn’t take into consideration, so the footage of the proposal came out kind of shitty. She complained about that the next day. That she wouldn’t have good video and I should have proposed before the sun set.”
“She sounds fun.”
Ledger smiles. “Honestly, you’d probably like her. I keep saying things that make her sound bad, but we had a lot of fun together. When we were together, I didn’t think about Scotty as much. Things felt light with her because of that.”
I look away when he says that. “Do I only remind you of him?”
Ledger says nothing in response to my question. He doesn’t want to hurt my feelings, so he just chooses not to answer, but his silence makes me feel like I want to flee. I start to stand up because I’m ready to leave, but as soon as I begin to stand, he grabs my wrist and gently pulls me back down.
“Sit. Let’s stay until the sun sets.”
I sit back down, and it takes about ten minutes for the sun to sink down into the trees. Neither of us talks. We just watch the rays disappear, and the tips of the trees return to their natural, fireless colors. It’s dusk now, and without electricity, the house behind us is quickly growing dark.
Ledger has a contemplative look about him when he says, “I feel guilty.”
Welcome to my constant state. “Why?”
“For building this house. I feel like Scotty would be disappointed in me. Diem gets so sad every time we bring up the fact that I’m putting my other house up for sale.”
“Why did you build this house, then?”
“It’s been my dream for a long time now. I bought the land and started drafting the design back when Diem was just a baby. Before I knew how much I would love her.” He cuts his eyes to mine. “Don’t get me wrong, I loved her then, but it was different. She started to walk and talk, and develop her unique personality, and we became inseparable. And over time, this place started to feel less like my future home and more like . . .” He tries to come up with the word, but he can’t.
“A prison?”
Ledger looks at me like I’m the first person to understand him. “Yes. Exactly. I feel like I’m locked into it now, but the idea of not seeing Diem every day is really starting to weigh on me. It’ll change our relationship. With my schedule, I’ll probably see her once a week if I’m lucky. I think that’s why I’ve been taking my time building it. I don’t know that I’m really looking forward to moving out here.”
“Then sell it.”
He laughs, like that’s an absurd idea.
“I’m serious. I’d much rather you live across the street from my daughter than clear across town. I know I can’t be in her life like I wish I could, but there’s some comfort in knowing you are.”
Ledger stares at me for a long beat after I say that. Then he stands up and reaches out for my hand. “We should get to work.”
“Yeah. Don’t want to piss off the boss.” I grab his hand and stand up, and when I do, I’m suddenly way too close to him. He doesn’t back away or let go of my hand, and now he’s looking at me from just a few inches away with an intensity I feel slide down my spine.
Ledger threads his fingers through mine, and when our palms touch, the feeling that surges through me makes me wince. Ledger feels it, too; I can see it in the way his eyes fill with torment.