Reminders of Him(67)
“I sometimes wonder if we’d even be talking right now if I didn’t know Diem.”
“Why does it matter?” I ask.
“Because it would be the difference between you wanting to be with me for me, or wanting to be with me so you could use me for my connections.”
My jaw tenses. I have to break our gaze and look at something besides him, because that comment makes me angry. “If I wanted to use you for your connections, I’d have fucked you by now.” I push off the counter. “You should go.” I start to walk toward the door, but Ledger grabs my wrist and pulls me back.
I spin around, but before I can yell at him, I see the look in his eye. It’s apologetic. Sad. He pulls me to his chest and wraps his arms around me in a comforting embrace. I’m stiff against him, unsure of what to do with my lingering anger. He slides his hands to my arms and lifts them, wrapping them around his waist.
“I wasn’t insulting you,” he says, his breath grazing my cheek. “I was just working through some thoughts out loud.” He presses the side of his head to mine, and I squeeze my eyes shut because he feels so good. I forgot what it felt like for someone else to need me. Want me. Like me.
Ledger keeps us wrapped tightly together when he says, “In a matter of a few weeks, I went from hating you to liking you to wanting the world for you, so forgive me if those feelings sometimes overlap.”
I relate to that more than he knows. I sometimes want to scream at him for having been a wall between me and my daughter, but at the same time, I want to kiss him for loving her enough to be a wall of protection for her.
His finger meets my chin, and he tilts my focus up to his. “I wish I could take back what I said to you when I told you Diem wouldn’t benefit from you being in her life.” He slides his hands into my hair and looks at me with sincerity. “She would be lucky to have a woman like you in her life. You’re selfless and you’re kind and you’re strong. You’re everything I want Diem to be someday.” He wipes away a tear that falls down my cheek. “And I don’t know how I can change their minds, but I’m going to try. I want to fight for you because I know that’s what Scotty would want me to do.”
I have no idea what to do with all the feelings his words just brought out.
Ledger doesn’t kiss me, but that’s only because I kiss him first. I press my mouth to his because nothing I could say would convey how much I appreciate the validation he just gave to me. It’s one thing for him to admit he wants me to meet her, but he took it a million steps further by saying he wants her to be like me.
It’s the kindest thing anyone has ever said to me.
His tongue slides against mine, and the heat from his mouth seems to pulse into me. I pull him closer until our chests meet, but it’s still not close enough. I had no idea that was the only thing holding me back from Ledger. I just needed to know he believed in me. Now that I know he does, I can’t find a single part of me that doesn’t want every part of him.
Ledger lifts me and walks me across the room to the couch without breaking our kiss.
The weight of his body feels so good pressed against mine. I start to pull off his shirt because I want to be against his skin, but he pushes my hand away. “Wait,” he says, pulling back. “Wait, wait, wait.”
I drop my head to the couch and groan. I can’t take much more of this back-and-forth. I’m finally in a headspace to let him do whatever he wants to me, and now he’s the one pulling away.
He kisses my chin. “I might be getting ahead of myself, but if we’re about to have sex, I need to go down to my truck and grab a condom before you undress me. Unless you have a condom up here.”
I’m so relieved that’s why he stopped. I push him away. “Hurry. Go get one.”
He’s off the couch and out the door in seconds. I use the spare minute to check my reflection in the bathroom mirror. Ivy is asleep in her little bed that I’ve set next to the tub.
I take a small dab of toothpaste and brush it across my teeth and tongue.
I wish I could write a quick letter to Scotty. I feel like I need to warn him of what’s about to happen, which is stupid because he’s dead and it’s been five years and I can have sex with whoever I want, but he was the last person I’ve ever had sex with, so this feels like a really big moment.
Not to mention, it’s with his best friend.
“I am so sorry, Scotty,” I whisper. “But not sorry enough to stop it.”
I hear my front door open, so I leave the bathroom and find Ledger locking the door. When he turns to face me, I laugh because he’s soaking wet from the rain. His hair is dripping water into his eyes, so he pushes it back. “I probably should have used the umbrella, but I didn’t want to waste any time.”
I walk over to him and help him out of his shirt. He returns the favor and helps me out of mine. I’m wearing my good bra. I wear it every time I work a shift at his bar because I’ve wanted to be prepared in case this happened.
I’ve been trying to convince myself it wouldn’t, but deep down, I’ve been hoping it would.
Ledger leans forward and kisses me on the mouth with his rain-soaked lips. He’s cold because he’s wet, but his tongue is a scorching contrast to his frigid lips.
My stomach swirls with heat when he wraps his other hand in my hair and tilts my face back so he can kiss me even deeper. I lower my hands to his jeans and unbutton them, anxious to get him out of them. Determined to feel him against me. Fearful that I won’t remember how to do this.