Reminders of Him(66)

He points at my door but says nothing.

I quietly inhale and then push open the door to my apartment. He follows me inside and closes the door behind him.

He’s acting so assured right now. The complete opposite of what I’m feeling. I scoop Ivy up and take her to the bathroom so she can’t get out in case Ledger opens the door to leave.

When I close the bathroom door and turn around, Ledger is standing at the counter, running a finger across the stack of letters I printed out.

I don’t want him to read them, so I walk over and flip them over and shove them aside.

“Are those the letters?” he asks.

“Most of them. But I have digital copies too. I typed them all up a couple of months ago and put them into Google Drive. I was afraid to lose them.”

“Will you read one of them to me?”

I shake my head. Those letters are personal to me. This is the second time he’s asked if I’d read one, and the answer is still no. “You asking me to read you one of those letters would be like me asking you to play a tape of one of your therapy sessions.”

“I don’t go to therapy,” Ledger says.

“Maybe you should.”

He chews his lip with a contemplative nod. “Maybe I will.”

I walk around him and open the refrigerator. I’ve slowly been stocking it, so I actually have more than Lunchables this time. “You want something to drink? I have water, tea, milk.” I grab an almost-empty container of juice. “A swig of apple juice.”

“I’m not thirsty.”

I’m not, either, but I drink the rest of the apple juice straight from the container as a preventive measure, because I feel like I’m about to be parched with him standing in my apartment like this. Just his presence here is enough to make my throat run dry.

It’s different when we’re at work. There are other people around to keep my mind from moving in the direction it’s moving right now.

But when it’s just the two of us alone in my apartment, all I can think about is our proximity to one another and how many heartbeats will pass in the time it takes him to close the gap and kiss me.

I set the empty container of apple juice on the bar and wipe my mouth.

“Is that why you always taste like apples?”

I look right at him when he says that. It’s an intimate thing to say. Admitting out loud that you know what someone else tastes like. I feel like a dazzled, inexperienced teenager under his gaze, so I look down at my feet because not looking at him is less draining.

“What do you want, Ledger?”

He calmly leans against the counter. We’re just a couple of feet apart when he says, “I want to get to know you better.”

I wasn’t expecting him to say that, so of course I look over at him and then immediately regret it because he’s standing so close to me. “What do you want to know?”

“More about you. Your likes, your dislikes, your goals. What do you want to do with your life?”

I can’t help but laugh. I expected him to ask about Scotty, or something related to Diem, or my current situation. But he’s just making casual conversation, and I have no idea what to do with it. “I’ve always wanted to be a locksmith.”

That makes Ledger laugh. “A locksmith?”

I nod.

“Why a locksmith?”

“Because no one can be mad at a locksmith. They show up to help when people are in a crisis. I think it would be a rewarding job to make people’s shitty days a little bit better.”

Ledger nods appreciatively. “I can’t say I’ve ever met anyone who wanted to be a locksmith.”

“Well. Now you have. Next question.”

“Why did you choose the name Diem?”

I turn his question around on him before answering it. “Why did the Landrys choose not to change the name I gave her?”

He works his jaw back and forth. “They were worried that maybe you and Scotty had discussed what to name her, and Diem was a name Scotty chose.”

“Scotty never even knew I was pregnant.”

“Did you know you were pregnant?” he asks. “Before Scotty died?”

I shake my head. My voice is a whisper when I say, “No. I never would have pleaded guilty if I knew I was pregnant with Diem.”

He concentrates on that reply. “Why did you plead guilty?”

I hug myself. My eyes start to sting, so I take a moment to breathe through the memory before answering him. “I wasn’t in a good headspace,” I admit. I don’t elaborate, though. I can’t.

Ledger doesn’t come back with another question right away. He lets silence fill the room, and then he empties it by saying, “Where would we be right now if I didn’t know Scotty?”

“What do you mean?”

His eyes fall briefly to my mouth. It’s a flicker of a gaze, but I see it. I feel it. “The night we met at the bar. You said you didn’t know who I was. What if I was just some random guy who didn’t know Diem or Scotty or you? What do you think would have happened between us that night?”

“A lot more than what did happen,” I admit.

He rolls his throat as if he swallowed that answer. He stares at me and I stare back, waiting anxiously for his next question or thought or move.