Reminders of Him(60)

He starts to lean in again, making my entire body feel unstable, but I somehow find the strength to shake my head. “Please don’t,” I whisper. “It hurts enough already.”

Ledger pauses right before his mouth connects with mine. He draws back and lifts his hand, gently gliding his fingertips over my jaw. “I know. I’m sorry.”

We both fall quiet. Unmoving. I wish I was processing how to make this work between us, but I’m processing how to not let it hurt, because it can’t work.

He eventually pushes off the wall, stepping away from me. “I feel so fucking . . .” He runs a hand through his hair as he searches for the right word. “Helpless. Useless.” He walks out the door after settling on both words. “I’m sorry,” I hear him mutter as he walks away.

I close my door, lock it, and then release every breath I’ve held in tonight. My heart is pounding. The apartment seems really warm now.

I turn down the thermostat and let Ivy out of the bathroom. We curl up on the couch together, and I grab my notebook.

Dear Scotty,

Do I owe you an apology for what just happened?

I’m not quite sure what just happened. Ledger and I definitely had a moment, but was it a good one? A bad one? It felt more sad than anything.

What if it happens again? I’m not sure I’m going to be strong enough to ask him not to touch me in all the ways we’d probably be touching each other right now if I didn’t blurt out the words “Please don’t.”

But if we act on anything we’re feeling, he’s eventually going to have to choose. And he won’t choose me. I wouldn’t let him, and I’d think so much less of him if he didn’t choose Diem.

And what’s to come of me when that happens? I’ll not only lose my chance with Diem, but I’ll lose Ledger too.

I’ve already lost you for good. That’s hard enough.

How many losses can one person take before they just throw in the fucking towel, Scotty? Because it sure is starting to feel like I’m all out of wins, here.

Love,

Kenna





CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT


LEDGER

Diem’s arms are tight around my neck as I give her a piggyback ride across the parking lot toward Grace’s car. The T-ball game just ended, and Diem is making me carry her because she said her legs were soaking sore.

“I want to go to work with you,” she says.

“You can’t. Kids aren’t allowed in bars.”

“I go to your bar with you sometimes.”

“Yeah, when we’re closed,” I clarify. “That doesn’t count. We’ll be open tonight, and it’s busy and I won’t be able to keep an eye on you.” Not to mention, her mother who she doesn’t even know exists will be there. “You can come work for me when you turn eighteen.”

“That’s a long, long, long time away; you’ll be dead.”

“Hey, now,” Grace says defensively. “I’m a lot older than Ledger, and I don’t plan on being dead when you’re eighteen.”

I get Diem secured into her car seat. “How old will I be when everybody dies?” she asks.

“Nobody knows when anyone will die,” I tell her. “But if we all live until we’re old, we’ll all be old together.”

“How old will I be when you’re two hundred?”

“Dead old,” I say.

Her eyes grow wide, and I immediately shake my head. “We’ll all be dead. No one lives to be two hundred.”

“My teacher is two hundred.”

“Mrs. Bradshaw is younger than me,” Grace pipes up from the front seat. “Stop telling lies.”

Diem leans forward and whispers, “Mrs. Bradshaw really is two hundred.”

“I believe you.” I kiss her on top of the head. “Good job today. Love you.”

“I love you, too; I want to go to work with . . .” I close Diem’s door before she finishes her sentence. I don’t normally rush them off this way, but as we were walking through the parking lot, I received a text from Kenna.

All it said was, Please come get me.

It’s not quite four yet. She said she didn’t need a ride when I asked her yesterday, so my concern was immediately heightened when I got the text.

I’m already to my truck when Grace and Diem drive away. Patrick couldn’t make the game today because he’s working on the jungle gym. I was planning on going home for a couple of hours to see the progress and help before I went to the bar, but now I’m on my way to the grocery store to check on Kenna.

I’ll text Patrick when I get there to let him know I’m not stopping by. We’re almost finished with the jungle gym. Diem’s birthday is coming up, which means today was supposed to be the big day. Leah’s and my wedding. We planned on going to Hawaii just a week after the wedding, and I remember being stressed that we wouldn’t be back for Diem’s birthday party.

That was another point of contention between Leah and me. She didn’t like that Diem’s fifth birthday was almost as big a deal to me as our honeymoon.

I’m sure Patrick and Grace would have been willing to move the birthday party, but Leah acted like Diem’s fifth birthday was a major conflict with our honeymoon before she even inquired about them moving the party, and that ended up becoming one of the first of many red flags.