Out of Breath (Breathing, #3)(73)

I stared out at the volatile waves and inhaled deeply, exhaustion overwhelming me.

The glass door opened, drawing my attention. Sara stepped out to join me, breathing in the salty air as I had, like it could somehow revive her.

‘He went in to see her,’ Sara told me. She leaned against the railing next to me. After a moment of listening to the ocean, she said, ‘I’m sure that it’s hard for you, to see them together.’

‘But they’re not really together,’ I countered.

‘Still,’ Sara said, ‘she’s not with you. So no matter what, it must be hard.’

‘I didn’t come here to get her back, Sara. I was being honest about that. I spent the last two years trying to understand what she was thinking; what happened; why she walked away. I need answers. That’s why I’m here.’

Sara leaned on her elbow to face me. ‘I don’t believe you.’

I was shocked by her comment. ‘What?’

‘Evan Mathews, you can tell yourself and everyone else that you’re here to get answers, for closure. But the truth is, you love her. You have always loved her. You will always love her. You’re here because you can’t walk away. You saw how broken and empty she was back in Weslyn, and you had to follow her. You’ll never be able to let her go. You’re here because … it’s where you belong, with her.’

My chest tightened; I felt like she’d just delved inside me and sifted through to find what I couldn’t admit this entire time. I couldn’t speak. I looked out at the water and pulled in a deep breath. I turned from Sara and went back into the house, needing to check on Emma.

Cole sat on the chair, having put on shorts and a T-shirt, and was rubbing his hands together and bouncing his leg nervously.

‘You okay?’ I asked him.

He nodded, but the edgy shift in his eyes indicated otherwise. I continued past him and into the bedroom. Emma was still curled up tight in her sleep, twitching every so often. I sat on the bed next to her, smoothing her hair away from her face.

‘I’ll stay with her tonight,’ Sara said from the doorway. ‘You don’t have to worry. I’ll be here.’

I left Emma in her haunted sleep and walked into the living room. ‘Cole, do you mind if I sleep here tonight? On the couch?’

I could tell he didn’t know what to make of this. But he shrugged and said, ‘Yeah, sure.’

I woke up in the dark. I could hear breathing beside me. My entire body ached, and my head was groggy, like I’d taken cold medicine.

Then I remembered. I clenched my teeth, trying to maintain even breaths. I could still feel the weight of the letter in my hands, the words stabbing me in the heart, twisting the blade.

You should never have been born. You have only caused pain in the lives of everyone you’ve touched.

My mother had confessed some terrible things in the past, usually induced by the effects of alcohol. She had always known what to say to hurt me. But these words … They were what she wrote before she killed herself. These were the thoughts that carried her to her grave. And she didn’t just want to hurt me, she wanted to take me with her.

Now you’ll have to live with yourself, knowing that the reason I can’t go on living is because of you.

A breathy sob escaped.

‘It’s okay,’ he whispered softly, moving closer to pull me in to him. Pressing my face against his chest, I inhaled his soothing scent, letting the tears pour out and soak through his T-shirt. I sobbed in gasps as he held me, my heart aching so bad I wanted to pull it out to make it stop.

‘Emma, we’re here,’ Sara said from behind me, her hand rubbing my back. ‘It’s going to be okay. We’re here for you, and we’re not going anywhere.’

Sleep eventually tugged at my punctured heart, and I drifted off into the darkness.

I looked around the dark room, still unable to sleep. Emma breathed into my chest, and Sara was curled up behind her, with her hand on her back. Emma would flinch and release a moan every once in a while. I could only imagine what tortured her in her dreams.

Leaving them to sleep, I slipped out of the room and back to the couch that I hadn’t slept on. The door to the guest room remained closed, with Cole shut behind it. I sat on the couch and stared out at the dark in a daze, waiting for the sun to brighten the sky.

Sara emerged from the bedroom a couple of hours later, as the beach was finally coming into view beneath the blanket of fog. She yawned and stretched her arms over her head, looking exhausted.

‘Is she still sleeping?’ I asked, trying to decide if I should go back in there so she wouldn’t wake up alone.

‘If that’s what you call it,’ Sara mumbled, her words wrapped in another yawn. She noticed my indecision. ‘Evan, she’s asleep. You don’t have to go back in there right now. Let’s make some breakfast or something. Aren’t you supposed to be an awesome cook?’

‘Yeah, sure,’ I replied, standing and twisting my body to stretch out my back. ‘I’ll make something.’

I remained buried within the blanket but shifted my eyes up at Sara as she sat next to me on the bed. Moving even slightly hurt … everywhere.

‘Are you hungry? Evan made omelettes. He could make you one,’ she offered gently.

I tried to shake my head, but wasn’t sure if I actually did. I returned to staring at nothing. I was infested with blackness, scorching and marring my insides, feeding on the guilt and hate that had taken root so long ago. It intertwined with every cell, and there was no hiding from it any longer. I couldn’t feel. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t move without triggering an unfathomable pain that would leave me begging to end the suffering, just as my mother intended.