Out of Breath (Breathing, #3)(76)

‘You can go to bed too,’ I told Sara. ‘There’s more than one guest room.’ Her red-rimmed eyes made it apparent that she was just as tired.

She shrugged dismissively and turned her attention back to the book that was open on her lap. Neither one of us wanted to leave the couch. It was the best vantage point to hear the door open and close, and to be visible when she finally walked down those stairs.

I stepped back to admire the image I’d created and smiled proudly. Every stroke on the canvas pulsed with emotion. My eyes blurred, and my hands shook slightly from the lingering adrenaline that had possessed me, keeping me focused throughout the night.

But when I set down the brush, all of the energy drained from me. I was exhausted. I held up my paint-covered hands. I definitely needed to shower, especially since I hadn’t in almost three days. Suddenly I felt disgusting.

I scooped up the clothes from the desk and crept into the hall. I could hear the television and see the light that shone at the bottom of the stairs. Evan must’ve gotten up early, per usual. I would never understand how a person could enjoy mornings so much.

I jumped up at the sound of the door clicking shut. My feet hit the floor, and Sara jolted awake.

‘What?’ she blurted, pushing her hair out of her face as she sat up. ‘What is it?’

The sound of the shower filtered down the stairs.

‘She’s done,’ I announced, pushing the blanket off my lap and taking the stairs two at a time.

‘Evan, wait for me!’

We entered the office with the huge glass windows that overlooked the ocean. I thought it would be the perfect inspiration for her painting. But when I saw the canvas, it didn’t appear she’d needed the inspiration after all.

I looked over at Sara. ‘I like it,’ I declared, beaming at the image in front of me. The sun’s bright rays filtering through the leaves made me want to squint. With the heavy strokes of the bark, I could imagine dragging my fingertips along the rough texture.

‘Of course you do,’ Sara stated, shooting me a look out of the corner of her eye. ‘She painted the tree in your back yard with the swing you made for her.’

‘Yes she did,’ I gloated.

Sara released a short laugh.

I stood before the canvas, admiring what Emma had unleashed. She’d gone back to the one place that would always be waiting for her.





25


A Little Honesty


MY HEAD WAS CLEAR AND QUIET. ALL I COULD hear was the deep rhythm of my breathing. My heart thumped at a rapid pace in my chest. If I could just push a little harder, maybe I’d be able to escape and allow the light to soak through my skin. Maybe it wouldn’t be so dark any more.

I dug my feet into the sand and sprinted faster, ignoring the plea of my burning muscles. I absorbed the calm as the sun cut through the morning gloom. Just a little faster.

The stairs climbing up the hillside came into view, and I extended my stride. I gave it everything I had until there was nothing left, fuelled by desperation. I picked out a smooth grey rock thrust into the sand. This would be my end point. This would be where I’d find redemption. As I crossed it, I faltered to a stop, my lungs heaving. I rested my hands on my hips and walked back and forth, trying to calm my pounding heart.

As much as I wanted to believe I could outrun the darkness, I knew it was still there, ready to take me. Redemption didn’t wait for me here. But the exertion was enough to provide a sliver of the solace that I sought, at least until night fell and the whispers started again.

I turned around just as Evan stumbled to a stop, bending over and resting his hands on his thighs. ‘Holy shit,’ he gasped. ‘You can never convince me you’re not a morning person again.’

A glimpse of a smile appeared between his panting breaths.

‘I’m not a morning person.’

Evan tilted his head up at me sceptically, sweat dripping from his nose.

‘I’m a person who can’t sleep,’ I explained, taking a deep breath to quicken my recovery.

Evan nodded in understanding.

My eyes drifted down, not sure if he really did. I didn’t like the restlessness that chased away the sleep. The thoughts that crept into my head when all I wanted was to think of nothing. They weren’t nightmares but whispers that haunted me in the dark, not letting me rest, not letting me go, not allowing me to forget.

‘Sorry I didn’t stop by yesterday,’ Evan said, redirecting my attention.

‘It’s okay,’ I responded, trying to sound unaffected, though I’d spent most of the day wondering where he was. My distraction hadn’t gone unnoticed by either Cole or Sara. I’d tried to play it off as still being tired from everything that had happened in the past week. But Sara knew better, although she hadn’t confronted me yet.

‘You’re coming to the party later today, right?’ Evan asked, walking towards the stairs.

My cheeks reddened at the thought of seeing his friends again. ‘Yeah, we’ll be over later.’

‘Okay,’ he said from the bottom of the stairs, hesitating before turning away.

‘Evan,’ I called to him, making him pause a few steps up. ‘We didn’t get to talk for a few days, so we technically have eleven days left. We can now … if you want to.’ We hadn’t exchanged a moment of honesty since the beginning of the week. I didn’t know why I offered. It’s not like I enjoyed torturing myself, recounting all of the destructive choices I’d made.