Out of Breath (Breathing, #3)(134)

I closed my eyes. The quick patter of my heart filled my ears. I tried to calm it, to relax. But that was impossible. I was about to listen to the only person I would ever love tell me that he couldn’t be with me. There was no recovering from that.

There were no more secrets. He knew everything. I was exposed. Letting Evan completely in was the hardest thing I’d ever had to do. It left me vulnerable to his judgement and rejection. I might as well have splayed my ribs and handed him my heart. I didn’t need it if I wasn’t going to be with him.

I stared at the phone in dread. I had been preparing for this call since the moment I’d walked away from him … again. I listened as the phone rang, concentrating on each breath.

‘Hi.’

‘Hi,’ I responded faintly.

‘I’m glad you called. I was afraid you wouldn’t.’

‘I figured you’d made your decision,’ I faltered, my heart continuing to pound fiercely.

‘I did. I … had to think. I was so angry. I couldn’t understand why you kept something that horrible a secret. I’m still not over it.’

My chest squeezed tight. I closed my eyes and waited.

‘Emma, there was never a choice. I will always choose you. Always.’

I couldn’t speak for a minute. ‘What?’

‘I don’t agree with what you did,’ he explained. ‘And I’m pissed off that you didn’t tell anyone. You screwed up, Em. But you knew that. That’s why you were torturing yourself. And I’ll get over being angry. But I could never get over losing you again. We can get through anything if we’re honest, if you let me in. Can you promise me no more secrets? No matter how much you think it’ll hurt, you’ll tell me everything?’

This wasn’t what he was supposed to say.

‘Emma?’

‘I don’t understand. You still … love me?’

He released the slightest chuckle. ‘Yeah, I do. And I know you’re not the same girl. But I’m in love with you, Emma. I fell in love with you all over again this summer. People change. I know this. And we’ll continue to change. That just means I’ll get to fall in love with you again. Because no matter what happens in our lives, what I feel for you will survive anything.‘

I was so afraid I’d lost him – that he could never love me. It had never occurred to me that he could forgive me. That he could love me as much as I love him. There was no way he was saying this. There was no way he was forgiving me. But he was.

I collapsed on the steering wheel and sobbed, the phone slipping from my hand.

‘Emma?’ I heard him call to me, and I fumbled to pick it up. ‘Emma?’

Between broken breaths, I responded, ‘I’m here.’

‘You need to have more confidence in me,’ he said lightly.

‘Sorry. I just –’

‘I know,’ he interrupted. ‘But don’t ever doubt me again.’

‘Never,’ I said, releasing a calming breath. ‘And no more secrets.’

‘No more secrets. So where are you?’

‘At a rest stop, somewhere in Oklahoma,’ I answered, looking around the busy rest area.

‘Oklahoma? Why are you there?’

‘I just felt like getting in a car and driving.’

‘How long were you planning on doing that?’

‘Until I found something worth stopping for,’ I answered, wiping my damp face and sinking back against the seat.

‘And you’re stopped now, right?’

I smiled. ‘Yes.’

‘I’ll take that as being worthy,’ he teased, making me smile wider. ‘Are you planning to drive all the way here?’

‘I was thinking about it,’ I responded. ‘I figured I’d be back by this weekend.’

‘I’m flying to Connecticut this weekend,’ Evan informed me. ‘I have to pick up my things. My mother sold the house, and everything has to be out by this Sunday.’

‘Really?’

‘Yeah,’ he murmured. ‘But it doesn’t matter any more. I have you.’ Then he paused. ‘Right?’

I laughed, swiping at my eyes. ‘Yes. You have me.’

‘Good. Call me when you stop driving tonight, please?’

‘I will,’ I promised. ‘Bye, Evan.’

‘Bye, Emma.’ I let out a long breath, relieved she’d called me back. I held up the letter she’d left on the bedside table, and ran my finger over the ink with a soft smile. The letter that had once again changed my life.

I love him more than he will ever know. And because of that, I choose his happiness.

Those two lines were all that she’d written. And it took a phone call to my mother to understand. She repeated Emma’s vow back to me, ‘I love him, but I would walk away before I’d ever let anything jeopardize his happiness.’ My mother claimed that this letter forced her to make one of the hardest decisions she’d ever had to make.

I walked into the living room where Sara sat on the couch with her phone in her hand, texting. She eyed me curiously, then beamed. ‘You just spoke to Emma.’ I nodded, unable to hold back the smile. ‘Good.’

‘Thank you for talking to me. I don’t know if I would’ve been able to take a step back and understand what she was going through if you hadn’t helped me.’