Out of Breath (Breathing, #3)(131)

Her heartbreaking dark eyes peered up at me, coated with tears.

‘He just wants me to be honest with you. That’s all. He didn’t say anything wrong, Evan. Don’t be mad at him. He was only being your best friend. And he didn’t ask me for anything that you don’t deserve.’

I hugged myself tighter and drew in a quivering breath. ‘I’m scared.’ I swallowed against the lump in my throat. ‘I’m going to lose you, Evan.’

‘Hey,’ he soothed, crouching in front of me. ‘No, you’re not. I’m not going anywhere. I promise.’

‘You can’t promise that. You have no idea …’ My voice trailed off.

‘Then tell me, Em. Please just explain what happened and stop torturing yourself,’ he implored passionately. ‘I’ll understand, whatever it is.’

I raised my eyes to let him in. I wasn’t going to fight it any more.

Her eyes delved into me with an intensity I’d never experienced before. They were steady, full of conviction. ‘I want you to see. All of me. Like you’ve always wanted. But you’re not going to like it. There’s a part of me that’s dark and … angry. And I don’t know if I’ll ever be rid of it.’

She paused, like she was trying to prepare me. But this wasn’t what I’d expected.

‘I’m more like my mother than I ever wanted to admit. I’m just as hateful. Just as self-destructive. And just as broken. She was right when she said I should never have been born.’

‘Emma, don’t say that.’

‘It’s your turn to listen, Evan,’ she said calmly, her voice distant and coated with ice. ‘I hated her. I hated my mother, and I’m glad she’s dead.’ I flinched at her words, but I didn’t say anything. ‘She can rot in hell where she belongs. I don’t give a f*ck.’

I stood up and backed away a step, startled by the loathing in her hardened dark eyes.

I didn’t react when he withdrew from me. He wanted to know, so I wasn’t going to hold back. He shook his head, as if denying this was really me.

‘Jonathan understood. He knew what it was like to be tortured by hate until it becomes a part of you. Our pain bonded us – allowed us to be honest with each other. He didn’t judge me when I told him I hated her. He didn’t look at me like you are now. Like I’m detestable. And I am. I know I am. That’s why you should hate me, Evan.’ The emotion broke my resolve. ‘You’re supposed to hate me as much as I hate myself.’

The torment cut through, shattering her icy tone and dissolving the hatred in her eyes. I took a step towards her, prepared to console her, to convince her that I didn’t hate her, and never could. It crushed me knowing she was convinced that she was worth all the hate that had ever been unleashed upon her.

‘I almost gave up.’

I froze. ‘What?’

‘That day … of my run. I almost gave up.’ My heartbeat picked up. ‘I walked out into the ocean, and just kept going. I wanted it to take me. To drown the guilt. I didn’t want to hurt any more. I didn’t want to be hated any more. I didn’t want to keep breathing.’

Her words stole the air from my lungs. ‘Emma.’ She crumpled onto her knees. I caught her, wrapping her in my arms. ‘You don’t get to quit on me. Because if you do, you’ll take me with you. And you can’t do that to us.’

Tears stung my eyes as she collapsed against me. ‘I can’t …’ Her voice broke. ‘I can’t do this any more.’

‘Then I’ll do it for you,’ I rasped, my throat closing. ‘Let me love you. Let me love you enough for the two of us, until you can accept that you’re worth it. Because you are, Emma. I don’t know how to convince you. But I’ll spend the rest of my life trying. You can’t give up on me now. I won’t let you.’

I couldn’t catch my breath. I buried my face in his shirt. He was my reason for existing. It was his words that pulled me to the surface. His breath that saved me. And now, his arms that held me within this life, unable to give up. He was my strength, and the love I didn’t have for myself. And I couldn’t live without him any more than he could let me go.

I pulled my head away from his chest, and he loosened his hold on me. I placed my hand over his damp cheek as he bent towards me, capturing my breath with his. The sudden pressure of his firm lips on mine filled me with an overwhelming surge of affection, rushing through every pore of my body. He kissed me as if his touch could make me whole again. And in that moment, I was convinced that it did.

I let my mouth linger over hers, needing her to feel how much I meant every word I’d said. I couldn’t let her go, not now, not ever. She gasped at the intensity as my lips continued to slide over hers. She curled her fingers into my hair. My heart thrust at the touch of her warm tongue tasting my lips, teasing my tongue.

I couldn’t get enough of her, needing to seep into her skin and feel her heart beat within my chest. There was a pounding within me that convinced me that I had. That we were sharing the same pulse. Her fingers trembled as she faltered with the buttons of my shirt. I slid the straps off her shoulders and peeled the dress from her smooth skin. I let her push the shirt off me, sweeping her hands down my chest. The look in her eyes, full of love and fear, held me captive.