Just One Year(55)

I let go of everything. The floodgates opened.



Teagan: Is this the part where I get mad at you for writing out your feelings instead of talking to me when I’m right downstairs? Didn’t you tell me never to do that? (Kidding.) I’m glad you didn’t come down here, because I wouldn’t be able to control myself. And we know how that would have ended. I don’t know what to say to your kind words, except that the pleasure of knowing you and experiencing being with you was all mine. I have no regrets about anything, Caleb. None.



A few minutes later, he sent one more text.



Caleb: <3 <3 <3





CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO




* * *



CALEB




My last days went by in a blur. Too fast. With only three more nights left, the Carrolls were supposed to be taking me out to dinner. I knew Teagan was working late at the aquarium and wasn’t planning to join us. And I was fine with that. Or at least I told myself I was. Because I knew it would be hard for her.

About an hour before we were scheduled to leave for the restaurant, Maura caught me blankly staring out the living room window.

She came up behind me. “How are you holding up?”

I turned around and forced a smile, certain she could see right through me. Then I just admitted the truth. “Not well.”

Maura placed her hand on my arm. “I’m sorry. I know. Your leaving is going to be tough on all of us. I really do wish there was a way you could stay.”

Lorne had run to the store with Shelley, and I’d always been tempted to open up to Maura about my past. We seemed to be home alone at the moment, so maybe now was a good time to do that. It would probably be my last chance.

Bracing myself for the emotions I knew would ensue, I said, “I don’t talk about it very often, and I assume Teagan never told you how my sister died?”

“No,” she answered, her face kind. “She would never say anything if you told her not to mention it. She’s very protective of you.”

We moved over to the couch and took seats across from each other. With my head in my hands half the time, I spent the next several minutes telling Maura about what had happened with my sister and how it related to my relationship with my father.

“This explains a lot,” she said, placing her hand on my knee. “I understand better now why you don’t want to go back home, but also why you feel you need to.”

“My entire life, I’ve felt indebted to my family for what I did.”

Maura’s eyes were moist. “I’m so sorry, Caleb. This is devastating to hear.”

I let out an exasperated breath. “Anyway, I just—I guess I’m telling you because I need you to know just how much it’s meant to feel loved and respected here.”

Maura wiped her eyes. “Nothing you told me changes how I feel about you—not in the least.”

“You sound like Teagan.”

“Well, she cares about you very much. And you care for her, too, don’t you?”

“I love her.”

Those words came out so easily, without even having to think about them. I’d felt those words trying to burst from me for a very long time.

Maura seemed stunned. But it was the truth. I had fallen in love with Teagan.

“Please don’t tell her I said that,” I added. “It will only make leaving worse. I haven’t said those words to her because as much as they’re true, I don’t feel like I’m the right person for her at this point in time. I have a lot of issues I need to work out within myself and my family. I just have too much baggage right now.”

“I’m certain she feels as strongly about you. One thing to keep in mind, when someone loves you they’ll take every part of you, baggage and all.”

I struggled with accepting her statement. “But I also feel like sometimes a person needs to respect the one they care about enough to let them go, to not bring them into their suffering. I need to work out so much before I could ever be the person Teagan deserves.” I stared out the window. “She’s so incredibly smart and special and unique in every way. Teagan needs someone with his shit together. And I’m not that person yet, Maura.”

“I really do hope things surprise you when you get home,” she said after a moment.

I knew better. Things at home would be as bad as they always had been, perhaps even worse.

“Thank you for listening,” I said.

“Anytime. And I hope you’ll come back and visit us. There will always be a place for you in this family.”

***

A little while later, Lorne, Maura, Shelley, and I piled into the Subaru and drove to dinner. The Harborside Restaurant downtown was as classy as you could get. There were fish tanks everywhere, and it reeked of seafood—fresh seafood, but nevertheless, it was pungent. The restaurant overlooked Boston Harbor.

I’d worn the one pair of nice trousers I owned, but still felt underdressed.

I ordered the lobster because, well, when in Rome...

Shelley, who wasn’t a big seafood lover, ordered steak while Lorne and Maura ordered the stuffed halibut.

The food hadn’t arrived yet, and I was buttering a piece of bread when I looked up and saw her standing there. She looked flushed—but beautiful. Absolutely beautiful.