Just One Year(60)
Jealousy mixed with pain mixed with hate roiled inside me. Okay, it wasn’t quite hate—because can you hate someone if you still love them? Three months. Was one summer enough time to have mourned our relationship? I felt everything rising up in me, and I barely made it to the bathroom in time to vomit out what felt like my entire soul.
After I came up for air, I noticed my phone was still open to the photo. Exiting Instagram as fast as I could, I threw my phone across the room. My hands trembled. It was an odd sense of despair, because in the back of my mind, I also knew I had no right to be upset. Caleb and I had never agreed to keep our relationship going. He was one-hundred-percent free to pursue anyone he wanted, to do whatever or whomever he wanted—and yet I’d hoped he’d pine for me a bit longer. I had certainly continued to pine for him.
But that stopped now, whether I wanted to do it or not.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
* * *
TEAGAN
TWO MONTHS LATER
“You okay, baby?”
Ethan and I had just been messing around in my bed. We hadn’t had sex yet, but we’d done everything else. Unlike other guys I’d dated before Caleb, I actually found Ethan attractive. We’d been having an amazing time together, for the most part. Ethan worked as a computer programmer in Cambridge. He’d moved out of his parents’ house into his own apartment near work, but often came to Brookline to hang out with me when I had to get up early and didn’t feel like venturing to his side of the city. He was not only charming and funny, but super patient. He had his shit together, and I really liked him.
Once again, though, I had to explain to him why I’d become closed-off right at the point where it would have seemed natural to have sex.
“I’m sorry. I don’t know why...but I’m just not ready.”
He looked worried. “You know I’ll never pressure you, right?”
“That’s one of the things I appreciate about you.” I sighed. “I want you to know it’s not you, okay? The last relationship I was in hurt me pretty badly, so I feel like I need to go slow this time.”
I’d told Ethan everything about Caleb, so he knew exactly whom I was referring to. Even though Caleb had moved on, I still couldn’t. Ethan probably wished he could strangle Caleb.
I had to give it to him, though. Ethan was always great about moving on from my awkward rejections.
He changed the subject. “Hey, I wanted to talk to you about something. Luke and I were thinking of going camping up in New Hampshire. What do you think? Just Luke, Kai, you, and me.”
“Like in tents or a camper?”
“My dad’s camper. It’s old, but it has a bedroom in the back, and the four of us can fight over that. There’s plenty of room to crash in the main area, though. What do you say?”
I couldn’t think of a reason to say no. “That sounds super fun. Yeah. Let’s do it.”
“Cool.” He smiled. “I’ll get lots of booze, and we can buy stuff to make s’mores by the fire.”
As soon as he said s’mores, I totally lost my train of thought. Caleb’s face smiling through the flames as we made s’mores in my yard swam before my eyes.
Damn you, Caleb, and your gorgeous smile still haunting me.
Jesus. I felt like I might cry. What was wrong with me?
“Be right back,” I said as I escaped to my bathroom, closing the door and leaning back against it. I let myself have one good cry as the feelings I’d been suppressing came out to play for a moment. I grabbed my phone off the sink and did something I knew I’d regret. I looked up Caleb’s Instagram. But when I typed in his profile name, nothing came up. Panic set in. Had Caleb deleted his Instagram account? Or had he blocked me somehow? Why?
I also checked Facebook, the only other social media account he had. That page, too, was totally gone. What’s happening? Why would he delete his social media accounts?
If I didn’t come out of the bathroom soon, Ethan would think something was wrong. So I returned to the bed and lay down next to him. As he fell asleep, I tossed and turned, obsessing about Caleb’s disappearance and feeling like I was losing my mind.
***
The following day, I had to make sure Caleb was okay. So I dialed his number. When there was no answer, I left a message.
“Hey...uh...it’s Teagan. Long time no speak, right? Call me crazy, but I need to know you’re okay. I happened to be on Insta, and I noticed your account was gone. Your Facebook, too. Just wanted to make sure everything was kosher. Can you call or text me to let me know? Anyway, hope all is well. Bye.”
My stomach churned as I spoke, but after I hung up, I felt a ton better. At least I had initiated contact.
***
When two days passed and Caleb hadn’t called me back, I felt a little desperate. I’d also tried emailing him, but the only account I had was his university email, and he might not have checked that. I didn’t want to contact Archie, but I sent him a DM on Instagram anyway.
Hey, Archie! It’s Teagan in Boston. Quick question—I was wondering if everything is okay with Caleb. He’s not answering his phone and I noticed he took down his social media pages. Just wanted to know if you’ve heard from him. Thanks! Hope all is well!