Just One Year(63)

My room was completely dark and the window open, letting in a cool breeze. I’d ruined a perfectly calm evening by opening a can of worms I’d likely never be able to close. Why had I decided to look her up? It was the biggest mistake I could’ve made tonight.

It had been so long since we’d spoken. I needed to explain things to Teagan. But before I reached out to her again, I wanted to get the lay of the land. I’d hoped to see a glimmer of a smile, some reassurance that she was okay, that she was happy. I got far more than I’d bargained for.

I kept staring at the photo. Teagan had been tagged by her friend Kai in a series of snapshots taken at some sort of campground. She sat between the legs of a tall bloke, whom I’d consider good-looking, but not good enough for her. She was smiling and seemed quite content, leaning back into his chest. To add salt to my wound, in one of the shots, they were making fucking s’mores.

Wow.

As hard as it was to look at these photos, a small part of me was relieved that Teagan had moved on. Unfortunately, a bigger part was shaken to see the proof. That’s precisely why I should have never gone online. You’d think after not having social media for two months, I’d have realized there was no benefit to it. My life had been much better without it. And I certainly would’ve been better off had I never gone back on.

I continued to stare at Teagan’s beautiful face in the dark until my mother interrupted my thoughts from the doorway.

“I made potato and leek soup. Care to join me for some?”

Her words barely registered.

“Caleb?” she said after a moment. “Is everything alright?”

With my head still basically in my ass, I muttered, “Hmm?”

“Why are you sitting in the dark?”

Closing the laptop, I stared out at the streetlights. “I meant to turn the light on. But I got a bit distracted, so I stayed in the dark.”

She moved over to the foot of my bed. “Everything alright?”

I looked up at her. “Not really.”

“You want to talk about it?”

Blowing out a long breath, I debated. I’d never told my mother how close Teagan and I had become. I hadn’t wanted Mum to feel guilty about me having to leave the US. At the moment, though, the feelings punching at my chest needed to come out somehow.

“Remember the older girl from the family I lived with in Boston?”

“Sure.” Mum blinked. “Teagan was her name, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Everything okay with her?”

“She’s doing great, apparently.” I sighed. “It’s me who’s not so hot right now.”

“Did something happen between you and her while you were there?”

I nodded. “We…were rather serious toward the end.”

Even in the dark, I could see the surprise on my mother’s face. “You never mentioned it. Why?”

“What was the point in telling you? I didn’t want you to worry or feel like I resented having to come back home.”

“I remember you saying you and she didn’t get on too well when you first moved there. Funny how things can change.” She smiled.

“We became very close. For the first time in my life I had a connection with someone that ran much deeper than physical. She and I felt very similarly about our place in the world. We were able to help each other through things.” I leaned back against my headboard and crossed my arms. “I confided in her about Emma.”

“Really?” My mother’s eyes widened. “Well, now I know you trusted her. That’s not something you open up about very easily.”

I nodded. “Yeah.”

“Well, I had no idea, Caleb. I’m sorry you had to end things with someone you cared for. She wasn’t able to come to England, even for a visit?”

I’d often wondered what Teagan might have said if I’d asked her to come to the UK. But ultimately, I knew why I hadn’t.

I shook my head. “You know the mental space I was in when I first came home. Asking her to leave her life behind to come over here with me when I was a mess—that wouldn’t have been fair.”

“Fair to whom? I bet she would have gone anywhere you asked if you’d told her you were in love with her.” She tilted her head. “Is that what I’m understanding? That you fell in love?”

In silence, I nodded.

“Oh, Caleb.” She sighed. “What did you find online tonight?”

I exhaled a long breath. “I saw some photos of Teagan looking happy with some guy. It seems she’s moved on. It’s what I hoped would happen and hoped would never happen at the same time.”

“If you’re upset, why don’t you call her?”

I laughed almost angrily. “I won’t dare do that now. I left her in shambles. She deserves happiness.”

“She’s only with him because you left.”

“Exactly. I left. In her eyes, I chose to leave her. That’s not something she should ever forget.”

“A lot has happened in the months since you’ve been home, son. You should tell her.”

“Telling her won’t make me any more attractive to her—just the opposite.”

“But it will explain why you lost touch, why she hasn’t heard from you. Do you really think that you’re that replaceable? She probably assumes the lack of communication means you didn’t care about her, when that isn’t the case at all.”