Just One Year(53)

After our night at the hotel in the city, Caleb and I had continued to have sex, albeit more quietly because of the need to sneak around in my room. It had been a couple of weeks now. We’d both decided it was better to enjoy the time we had left, rather than force ourselves away from each other. And we were addicted. I knew the chances of getting hurt were much higher this way, but I enjoyed him too much to stop. We enjoyed each other. It was the happiest I’d ever been in my life.

Caleb would sneak into my bedroom almost every night and go back to his room before anyone woke in the morning. There was a chance we could get caught, but I wasn’t sure my parents would mind if they knew—better Caleb than someone they didn’t know and trust. It’s not like I wouldn’t be having sex if I were living in the dorms.

But this was a lot more than sex.

***

Caleb slowly pulled out of me.

The second I didn’t feel him anymore, a coldness came over me. I suddenly felt the past couple of weeks crashing down on us as we lay in my bed that night.

He must have seen that I was coming out of my haze. He pulled me toward him and whispered over my lips. “Talk to me, Teagan.”

Looking up into his eyes, I shook my head. “I just...I don’t know what we’re doing.”

He nodded, like this came as no surprise to him. “You’re starting to regret it.”

“Regret is not the right word.”

Caleb shook his head. “I knew this would happen. It wasn’t enough to stop us from being together, but I knew reality would set in. It was inevitable.”

“You have a little over a month left. I thought I could do this with you until the end, but I feel like I’m getting in too deep. It might be time to stop.”

He looked pained. “I don’t want to leave you, Teagan. I hope you realize that.”

“I know you don’t.” I considered a last-ditch proposal I knew I’d likely regret. It came out before I could change my mind about proposing it.

“There’s still no way you could stay, right?”

Caleb buried his face in the crook of my neck and spoke over my skin. “I want to…so badly. I just worry about my mother. I suppose I could drop out and find a way to get a work visa or something—or maybe try to enroll in another program somewhere else. I’m not entirely sure I can do that, or that I’d be able to make it happen in time, though.”

The fact that he was even considering staying filled me with what was likely false hope. “Do we have any other options?”

“I should have the answer, but I don’t,” he said.

“I just can’t imagine never seeing you again,” I cried.

“Sometimes I feel like I need to do something drastic so we don’t have to be apart, but…” His words trailed off.

My heart beat faster as I continued his statement for him. “But?”

“The more I think about it, the more unsure I am that…being with me would be the best decision for you right now.”

My stomach filled with dread. “The right decision for me?”

He placed his hand on my side and squeezed. “You’re so young, Teagan. We both are. What if we turn our lives upside down for each other only to find it was a mistake?”

What was I thinking?

I truly regretted proposing he stay. Caleb not going back to England was a fantasy. He had too much responsibility back home, and we both needed to finish school. That had always been clear to me. It had just gotten clouded by my growing feelings.

“This doesn’t have to be the end for us, Teagan. We need to take it one day at a time. Maybe you can take a trip to England, or I can come back and visit.”

Visit?

The thought of only seeing him for short visits sounded miserable. It was hard enough now when he merely came home late from the restaurant. I knew deep down I could never handle a long-distance relationship. I didn’t want to put that burden on either of us. This just sucked.

“If two people are meant to be, they find a way to be together,” he said. “Even if not immediately. But I don’t think it’s wise for either of us to make any promises.”

I felt my heart breaking. He didn’t seem confident that we’d ever work out. I knew I needed to make a mature decision before I got hurt.

“Maybe we need to tone this down right now, then.”

He swallowed. “You mean, stop sleeping together?”

“Everything.”

While he looked disappointed, Caleb nodded. “If you think that’s best.”

“It’s not what I want, Caleb. But we’re getting down to the wire now. If you know there’s no chance in hell of you sticking around, we should start weaning ourselves off of each other.”

“Fuck.” He turned to stare up at the ceiling. “That sounds painful. But I get it. I don’t ever want to hurt you, and I’m afraid I already have. So if I can avoid doing more damage, that’s what I need to do.”

I turned his face toward mine. “I don’t want you to think I will ever regret getting to experience everything with you. I absolutely won’t. It would have haunted me if we didn’t have this time together.”

“I needed to hear that.” He leaned in to kiss the nape of my neck. “This last month is going to be tough.”