Just One Year(54)

“Let’s just take it day by day, okay? Try to get through it without hurting one another.”

His voice was strained. “I never want to hurt you.”

I forced a pathetic smile. “I know.”

Caleb’s brow lifted. “I assume this means I’m going up to my room.”

I nodded sadly. “Yes. I think it’s best if you do.”

Caleb stole one final, chaste kiss before lifting himself off the bed. Even though my heart was broken, I knew this was right.

After he left, I couldn’t sleep.

I was devastated.

***

Maura caught me in the kitchen after I went upstairs for breakfast the next morning. “You have a second?”

Opening the fridge, I said, “Sure. What’s up?”

“I was thinking of planning something for Caleb’s goodbye. Maybe a party or a dinner out? What do you think?”

I paused on my way to the carton of milk. Something about the word goodbye hit me hard. I knew he was leaving, of course, but hearing that actual word caused me to burst into tears.

I just wished it hadn’t happened in front of Maura. She was already on to me, and now there would be no denying what was going on.

I wiped my eyes. “Whatever.”

“Teagan, I know you’ve been sleeping with him.”

I closed my eyes and continued to wipe my face.

“I’ve heard him coming up from your room in the early morning when he thinks we’re asleep.”

Not sure why I felt like being candid all of a sudden. Maybe because there was no sense in denying something so obvious. But I also needed to let it out to someone.

“We’re not…doing that anymore. We decided to stop, so that neither of us gets hurt any more than we have to when he leaves.”

“You care about each other.” She smiled sympathetically. “I’ve always known that.”

“I do care about him. So much. But we’re trying to be mature. He has to go back to England. That’s the end of the story.”

She took a seat and gestured to the chair in front of her. As much as I didn’t really want to, I sat down.

“I know he doesn’t want to go back,” she said.

“He doesn’t, but that’s not going to change anything. He has to. Things are not great back home. His mother needs him, and he has reasons for feeling responsible.”

No way was I going to violate Caleb’s trust by telling her about his home life. But I wanted her to understand.

“I’ve always suspected there was something back home that wasn’t right.”

“Anyway, I don’t mean to blow off your idea about a going away party. I just don’t know if I can handle it.”

She stared down at the table. “Maybe Dad and I will take him out to a nice dinner. That way it can be low key, and you can decide if you want to come. No big goodbye party.”

There was that word again. Goodbye. It cut like a knife.

I nodded but doubted I’d be able to sit through any kind of event that celebrated his leaving.

“You know…” she said. “When I was around your age, before I met your dad, I had a boyfriend who had to move overseas for a job. His name was Alvin.”

“Interesting name.”

“Yeah. He was an interesting guy, too.” She grinned. “Anyway, we tried to make it work, but eventually it just became too difficult. It was hard to lose him. I remember feeling like he’d chosen the job over me, and ultimately that resentment was what did us in.” She sighed. “He was my first love, so I can relate to what you must be feeling.”

I wanted to be irritated with Maura right now for prying, but her words had a calming effect. Her relationship with this guy had ended, and eventually she met my father, who I knew she was head-over-heels in love with. It doesn’t have to be the end of the world when a relationship ends.

“Thank you for sharing that with me.”

Still, I refused to open up any more. My feelings were so raw. I’d fallen in love with Caleb and couldn’t help feeling like his leaving was an abandonment, even though that wasn’t fair and I knew better.

***

Caleb: This staying away business is fucking hard. (And so am I.)



Caleb and I had been doing a great job distancing ourselves from each other. So I wasn’t sure how to respond to his random text without telling him how sad I was. I chose not to respond at all.

Then he texted again.



Caleb: I fucking miss you, Teagan. Don’t even respond, alright? I know this isn’t helping. But I’m feeling very weak right now, because I’m right upstairs and can’t see you, touch you, kiss you, be inside of you. So since I can’t do those things, here I am texting you. Which I HATE. Because I can’t stop thinking about you. If you take anything away from our time together, I want you to know this: You, Teagan Carroll, are the smartest, funniest, most unique person I have ever met. The weeks where we let go of our fears and allowed ourselves to experience each other to the fullest were the best weeks of my life. I want you to know how much it means that you gave yourself to me. I’m sorry I have to leave. You have no idea how much.



His text hurt my heart. Because as beautiful as his words were, they didn’t change the fact that he was leaving. The more minutes that passed, though, the more unnatural it felt not to return his sentiments, so I gave in.