Just One Year(45)

It had felt good to sleep next to her, though we’d never talked about it. The morning after, she’d still been sleeping when I slipped out of the bed.

Tonight would be our first study session since then. As much as I wished for a repeat—to lie next to her again—I planned to repeat my mantra instead: protecting her was more important than whatever selfish desires I had.

Good luck with that.

***

Later, everything seemed normal downstairs in Teagan’s room—at least, at first. There was no mention of our night together, no discussion of what it meant or whether we would do it again. Instead, we dug right into our homework. I wrote out some math formulas while Teagan studied for her physiology test.

At one point, I looked up to sneak a glance at her. And I found her already looking at me. We must stop meeting like this, Teagan. I wondered how long her eyes had been on me and not her computer.

“Are you attracted to me?” she asked.

She said it so quietly, it barely registered.

Did I hear that right? I swallowed and tried to buy myself some time. “Hmm?”

She shut her eyes, shaking her head. “Never mind.” She buried her face in her computer again, her cheeks turning red.

Fuck. How could I ignore that question? I needed to admit I’d heard it the first time.

“You asked if I was attracted to you…”

She lifted her head. “So you did hear me.”

“It just took a moment to process.”

“Or you had to think about how to let me down easy.”

Is she kidding? I hadn’t been able to focus on anything besides my attraction to her lately. “Fuck no, Teagan. You’ve got it wrong.”

Her face grew even redder. “Forget I asked. Please. It was a mistake.”

I put my notebook aside and walked over to her bed, sitting on the edge—close but far enough to be safely out of reach. She had her legs crossed and licked her lips nervously. My dick twitched. Fuck. I was such a lost cause.

The truth was dangerous. But I was tired of denying things. It had been so much damn work for so long.

“Let’s be real for a few minutes,” I said. “I’ll tell you my thoughts, and you tell me yours. Be brutally honest. Alright?”

Her chest heaved. “Okay…”

“I am extremely attracted to you, Teagan,” I said softly. “That’s the truth.” I let out a shaky breath. “It wasn’t instantly as strong as it is now. When we first met, I definitely looked at you more platonically. But something changed along the way. And now I constantly dream about what it would be like to be with you.”

She licked her lips again, and my dick stiffened even more.

“But you know why I haven’t done anything about it, right? There’s only one reason, and that’s that I don’t want to hurt you when I leave.”

“I get that.” She shifted on the bed. “Lately I’ve been catching you staring at me. I can’t help staring at you, too. I’ve always had a crush on you, but recently I haven’t been able to stop thinking about what it would be like, either.”

I gripped the sheet of paper in frustration. She’d made her position clear, but I still needed to confirm exactly what she meant.

“You mean, you can’t stop thinking about what it would be like to be with me…sexually?”

She bit her lip and nodded. I was about to come undone.

Teagan looked tormented. “I don’t like feeling this way—very out of control,” she said. “Whenever you’re near me, my body reacts. Sometimes I feel like I’m going to explode if you don’t touch me.” She closed her eyes. “Oh my God. I can’t believe I just said that.”

My heart raced, and it took everything in me not to leap forward and take her lips. Still, I managed enough willpower to stop myself. I wanted to know something I couldn’t figure out without asking her directly.

“Can I ask you a personal question? And feel free to tell me to go fuck myself.”

“Yeah…okay.”

“Have you had sex before?”

She nodded.

For some reason, I thought she might be a virgin. Now that I knew she wasn’t, it made me wildly curious about the circumstances.

“Only one time,” she clarified. “I had sex on my senior prom night. I’d basically planned to lose my virginity—to get it over with. It was stupid, and I didn’t even…enjoy it.”

Enjoy it. “You didn’t come…”

She shook her head. “No. It hurt. And it was fast and over with before I knew it. He basically broke my hymen, and that was it.”

Her terminology made me chuckle. “Did the hymen breaker have a name?”

“Zach.”

“Zach is wack. A two-pump chump.”

She laughed. “I’m not sure it really counted.”

“It didn’t,” I insisted.

“How many girls have you slept with?”

Blowing out an exasperated breath, I closed my eyes, genuinely trying to recall. “Don’t laugh. But this is my best estimate.”

“Okay…”

“Fifteen.”

Her eyes widened. “Wow.”

“Approximately two per year since high school. A few were girlfriends. Most were just one-night stands, though. And I used a condom every single time, even with my girlfriends, because I don’t trust anyone.”