Just One Year(44)

“What did you need to talk to me about?”

“I was upset after talking to my mother.” He exhaled. “I don’t think I ever told you, but my dad is a recovering alcoholic. He hadn’t had a drink in over a decade.” Caleb sighed. “But he’s relapsed.”

I squeezed his hand. “Oh no. I’m so sorry I wasn’t here.”

“It’s not your responsibility to be at my beck and call. I just needed to talk. It was a moment, and it passed.”

“Is your mother okay?”

“She sounds like she thinks she can handle it. But I’m not so sure. She’s going to need my father’s brothers for support. If I were home, it would be different, even though she insists my coming back early won’t help.”

The pain in his eyes was transparent. Caleb blamed himself for all of this, and that killed me. It all went back to what had happened with his sister.

He played with some lint on my comforter. “Anyway...I don’t really want to get into it now. I’ve thought about it way too much already tonight, and my need to talk has passed. But that’s why I was in your bed.”

“Well, even if I shouldn’t apologize, I really am sorry I wasn’t here. I would much rather have been here tonight.”

My emotions bubbled up inside of me, and I felt my eyes start to water. That was not good. I just felt so much for him right now. Not only because of his pain, but because my being out with Jacob tonight had been so not like anything with Caleb. That scared me.

“Who was this guy, and where did he take you?” Caleb asked.

“His name is Jacob. I met him at the aquarium. He works at the gift shop. He took me out for sushi and a movie. It was nice...but there was nothing there. Pretty sure I knew that before I accepted the date. But I went anyway, because I really wanted to…get my mind off things.”

My words had backed me into a wall. I was torn between wanting to tell Caleb how I felt about him and wanting to keep it inside.

He cocked his head to the side. “Get your mind off what things?”

I took a moment to search for the words. “I feel like I can talk to you about anything…except my feelings for you. I feel stupid for letting it get to this point.”

That was too much. Now he was staring at me like he didn’t know how to respond—until he did. And his words completely shook me.

“You asked me where I was tonight, and the reason I hesitated to tell you is because in order to properly explain it, I have to talk about my feelings for you. And like you, it’s not easy for me to do that…because I never want to do or say anything that might change what we have, which is the kind of friendship that’s rare.”

My palms grew sweaty as he continued.

“When Shelley said you were out on a date, I got extremely jealous—and a little angry. I realize that’s ridiculous. But nevertheless, it’s hard to control your emotions. At first, I went upstairs to my room and worked out to expend some of that negative energy. But nothing was doing the trick. Then my mother called and gave me that news about my father’s relapse. That’s when I came down to see if you were home.”

While hearing he’d been jealous made my heart sing, I couldn’t fully appreciate it because I was scared of what he’d say next.

I braced myself. “And then? Where did you go?”

“I didn’t want to be alone, so I...texted this girl I work with. She’d made it clear she wanted to fuck me—no strings attached.”

His words sliced through me, and I pushed back a bit.

He fucked someone tonight?

“Teagan, all I cared about tonight was forgetting everything: my unreasonable jealousy about you, my father’s relapse and the blame I placed on myself—all of it. So I went over to that girl’s flat…hoping to…forget.”

“You don’t have to tell me the rest. I really—”

“Yes, I do,” he said. He took a deep breath. “One thing led to another. This girl was practically attacking me—ripping my clothes off, digging her nails into me—and instead of feeling turned on, I felt the opposite. I felt sick. I couldn’t even get hard. It was the most bizarre almost-sexual experience of my life.”

Almost?

“You didn’t sleep with her?”

He shook his head. “No. I just wanted to come home. And that’s what I did. I saw your text on my way back and decided that rather than answer you, I needed to see you. So here I am.”

I reached out and ran my fingers through his silky hair. It was the first time I’d ever touched it, and it was even softer and thicker than I’d imagined. Watching the way his breathing changed as I did it gave me a sense of power. This simple movement might have been the most brazen thing I’d ever done in my life.

Caleb shut his eyes, and I kept massaging his hair—until he fell asleep in my bed. And that’s where he stayed.





CHAPTER EIGHTEEN




* * *



CALEB




The vibe between Teagan and me definitely changed after the night I spent in her bed. And I didn’t quite know how to handle it.

We hadn’t been alone since, but the one time we were both at dinner, Teagan caught me staring at her. Instead of looking away, she kept her eyes on mine and smiled. I smiled back and inwardly cursed at myself for being so damn transparent. I’d been fantasizing about what her lips would taste like all through the meal.