How to Be a Bawse: A Guide to Conquering Life(19)

I’ll never forget when Seth and James walked into the room because it was one of the rare times in my life when I was so busy that I’d forgotten to be nervous ahead of time. I’d been so preoccupied preparing and rehearsing that I’d completely overlooked the fact that I would be starstruck. When they walked in, the feeling hit me like a brick wall and my stomach instantly tied itself into a knot. Say hello to obstacle number one: nerves. OMG, it’s Seth Rogen and James effing Franco!





I shook it off and began to confidently explain my creative to the boys as quickly as possible because I knew the clock was ticking. As I shared my jokes with them, I saw a bit of confusion on James’s face. Therein entered obstacle number two: fear. What if I’m not funny and they hate this? Am I in the wrong career? OMG, OMG! Am I ugly? I’m ugly, aren’t I? UGH, damn it. I’m Shrek.

Once again I shook it off and carried on at lightning speed. We were blowing through all our shoots as planned and I was feeling a burst of adrenaline. Things were going great until, midway through the shoot, the ten people on set began talking, louder and louder. I was in the center of the room trying to recite dialogue while in the background I could hear conversations and the sound of a camera clicking as the producers tried to capture behind-the-scenes footage. Cue obstacle number three: distractions. Aside from being distracting, all this commotion was also interfering with the sound quality of my video, and so I began to get stressed.

Guess what I did? I shook it off like a salt shaker and kept on cruising with determination. One part of the skit required me to kiss Seth Rogen while dressed as my mother, because why not. So without hesitation and with time restraints in mind, I leaned in and laid one on him, feeling proud of my confidence. Now, if you know anything about Seth, you know he openly enjoys participating in certain leisure activities that involve an altered state of mind, particularly ones that involve green leaves … rolled up … and lit on fire (yes, kids, I’m talking about spinach). After kissing Seth once, I felt a sensation I wasn’t familiar with. I had a strange taste in my mouth and a strong scent on my lips. We had to reshoot the scene three more times to capture different camera angles, and with each kiss I felt more and more strange. Welcome, obstacle number four: foreign substances. Wait, is that a pink unicorn? Eating a pizza? Under a rainbow?! WHEN DID I START FLOATING?!

Okay, I’m exaggerating. Aside from me, there were no unicorns in the room, but I swear I felt a little weird and light-headed! After an intense forty-five minutes, I’d shot my video, and the boys exited just as fast as they’d entered. I collapsed onto a sofa and instantly reflected on the shoot. I recognized that it had indeed been a challenging situation, but I was proud that I’d honored my commitment to get it done, regardless of the obstacles. I didn’t slow my pace down because of nerves, alter my jokes because of fear, forget my dialogue because of distractions, or stop kissing a man because he smelled like Snoop Dogg. As a reminder, before the shoot started, I’d said I was going to “shoot the video in forty-five minutes.” I didn’t say “I am going to shoot the video in forty-five minutes unless I get nervous or scared or distracted.” What kind of commitment would that be? A lame one. You shouldn’t make lame commitments. Leave that for the politicians.

You’ll never truly know if you can accomplish something or be great at something if you don’t commit. In other words, if you’ve ever tried 70 percent at something and failed, you didn’t give yourself a fair chance at success. You crippled yourself in your own race.

Now, at this point you should be yelling at the page, saying, “Hey, Shrek! That’s easier said than done! How do you control fear and nerves?” In response, I have two things to say:



FIRST, I THINK IT’S IMPORTANT TO NOTE that fear and nervousness are things you shouldn’t be afraid to experience. I’ll be full of regret the day I ever go onstage, shoot a movie, or meet someone iconic without feeling scared or nervous. Being scared and nervous means you care, and not only is caring a beautiful thing, but it also means you value the outcome of a situation. However, fear and nervousness become problematic when they affect your performance. Understanding when to adopt and abandon these feelings is an important first step in controlling them. It’s helpful to think of fear and nerves as an outfit you wear before doing something nerve-racking. Don’t try to avoid these feelings altogether; rather, get comfortable with taking the outfit off when it’s time to execute. I am grateful to be in a place where I am extremely nervous before I go on, but once my foot hits that stage, I’m fearless. Nerves might make me pee forty times before a performance, but I try my best to put a leash on that emotion once the show starts. I envision myself stripping away a layer of fear and uncovering the complete fearlessness below. Literally, I go through the motions of taking off an imaginary jacket made of fear. This motion also doubles as the Macarena, so congrats, you’re now a dancer.



BEFORE DOING ANYTHING THAT IS NERVE-RACKING or scary, such as going onstage, doing a TV appearance, walking into an audition, making a presentation, or meeting an idol, I perform a very specific routine. I kick everyone out of the room, escape through the window, and run away as fast as possible. Just kidding! Please, I would never voluntarily run. But what I do instead is have a conversation with myself in the mirror. Aside from beating my chest, pumping myself up, and humming the Rocky theme music, I say something very specific: “Fear and nervousness are nowhere on the path to success.” I then hold up my left index finger and say, “You are here right now.” I lift my right index finger, hold it apart from the left one, and say, “This is the goal.” When I look at my reflection in the mirror, I can see that the space between my two fingers is filled with nothing but air. There is no fear, nervousness, or distraction in that space. I suggest you try this the next time you have to do something scary, because most of the obstacles we face are the ones we make up in our minds. Just make sure you’re alone, or someone might throw a straitjacket on you, and it’s hard to eat pizza in those things.