How Not to Drown in a Glass of Water (39)

I asked her for so little in my life. When Fernando left me, she didn’t cry for me. You know what she said? She said, Do better. What kind of expression is that? I am sure it is from one of her books. Do better. Do better. I work more than every other person I know. I do best. More best than best. I would not be surprised if she, like Lulú’s daughter Antonia, is in the therapy and spits on our mother. And now spits on me. ángela has no idea the sacrifices I did. No idea. Not only for her, but her children too. Ask Lulú, who sometimes asks me to go dancing with her in El Deportivo, but I always say no. Why? Because ángela, who works very hard all week, wants to go out on a date night with Hernán every Friday. Ha! Even to have fun and make the love there is the schedule. So I stay home and watch the children. It’s a pleasure for me, but still, ángela, cuánto me jode.

Like I said, I didn’t want to make a show in the building. I wanted peace with ángela. But ángela screamed. No words. Just screamed. So we made a show. Everybody appeared and watched. Lulú, Tita, La Vieja Caridad, Hernán, Yadiresela, Milagros, Julio, Glendaliz, the blanquito from the fifth floor, everybody rushed from upstairs and downstairs to see the show. And ángela does not like to make a show. She gets mortified when people see her true character. But it was too late. She was encendía—and she had a lot to say.

Like what? Ha!

She said I make her crazy!

She said she was tired of being responsible for me. That because of me she has been stuck in Washington Heights living in a tiny apartment with three children, sharing one bathroom. In Hato Mayor, her apartment would be a big palacio.

I told her it’s better to stay in Washington Heights and save her money, but for the record I never told her she couldn’t leave. I told her why did she want to move to so far away to a place with strange people? I thought she was staying for Hernán, who worked in the hospital. But now me lo saca en cara that she stayed for me? ?No me jodas! ?Co?azo!

She said she was tired of managing all my documents. Like why has it taken me five years to file for citizenship? She said without citizenship I don’t qualify for all the benefits. She said she’s tired of worrying about what will happen to me if I don’t find a job. Then she said that I never tell her anything.

Like what?

Like the surgery! How do you think that makes me feel, she said. If something happens to you, you are my responsibility.

You knew about the surgery? I asked her.

I know everything about you! she said.

I was shocked. Pero shocked.

So, I said, OK, OK, I declare you free. Go! You have no more obligation to me. You’re free from me.

I walked away, started to take the stairs to my apartment. Everybody was there to get the chisme of the hermanas Romero.

ángela followed me. When Hernán tried to stop her, she pushed him away.

Cara, I don’t want to lose you. I just want you to stop.

Stop what? I asked her.

Stop being like Mamá. You can’t help yourself. Always with the insults and negativity.

What are you talking about?

Cara, you always say to me: ángela you’re so flaca. ángela you’re so American. ángela you’re not maternal. Do you know how I felt seeing how easy you make Yadiresela stop crying? I did everything and she didn’t stop crying. And then you picked her up, y mira, immediately she stopped. I am maternal! I am a mother too! And you attack everything I do like you were such a good mother, like you didn’t push Fernando away. I remember how he got so anxious and tense when he heard you opening the door. You know what he said to me? Tía, I can’t relax around Mami. Imagine that. Imagine what that must feel like to be home and never be able to relax. Qué horror. And I always defended you. I said, Be patient with her. I told him how hard our mother was on us. But co?o, Cara, you were relentless with him.

Because I loved him!

You have to learn another way to love, she said. You have to.

What do you mean?

You can start by apologizing, and meaning it, she said.

For what?

For scaring Julio, to start. For doing something I explicitly asked you not to do.

But he was—

Cara, just say you are sorry, Lulú said. She was standing there, seeing everything.

But—But—I would never hurt Julio. Never, I said to both of them.

Cara, you are my sister and I need you, ángela said.

You need me? When she said this, ay, my chest. Ha! Vindication. She needs me. I told you she needed me.

Of course I need you. My children need you, ángela said. But I want my children to grow up feeling safe in the house. To know that they can tell me anything. I want them to look to my face and see what I see in them: Possibility. Beauty. Intelligence. We cannot be like Mamá. We cannot. We have to change. If you want to be near my children, Cara, you have to change, or we will be stuck here forever. Do it for Yadiresela. Do it for Fernando. Maybe, if you change, he will come back. Have you ever thought about that?

ángela’s eyes were full of water. I tell you, she never cries. She holds it inside. I let it out. That is how we’ve been all our lives. Even when my mother almost killed her, she held it inside, and that only infuriated my mother more.

I’m sorry, I said. We could’ve done things differently.

ángela’s tears came, fast and loud. It looked like she was having a heart attack. She pressed one hand on her chest like it hurt. The other hand grabbed my shoulder.