Heidi's Guide to Four Letter Words(63)

She pauses for a minute to clear her throat, and I have to swallow back even more tears at seeing my mom so emotional and guilty for the first time in my life.

“Yes, you’ve found your voice, and you’ve grown into the strongest woman I’ve ever known, and aside from all the dirty talk on your podcast things, I couldn’t be prouder of you. But, you did all of this recently, when you should have been doing it all along. I should have been teaching you how to do it all this time, instead of being so thankful that you were so easy,” she tells me sadly. “Life isn’t easy. It’s hard. And things will hurt you. And people will disappoint you and make you cry. And when the first boy comes along who truly understands you and loves everything about you, and you think he’s broken your heart, you haven’t had enough practice yet to be strong and not let it crush you. You haven’t been living in this thick skin of yours long enough to stay and fight for what you want, instead of running away. And I’m so sorry for that, Heidi. I’m so sorry I never taught you how to stay and fight.”

Before I can let out a pitiful wailing cry at everything my mom just said to me, Aunt Margie does it for me.

“Uff da, Peggy, why’d you have to go and say all those things?” she cries loudly, sniffling and wiping away her tears. “Harold and I are going to bingo tonight at the American Legion, and now I’m gonna have to redo my makeup.”

Letting my feet drop to the ground, I lean forward and quickly wrap my arms around my mom’s shoulders, squeezing her as tightly as I can.

“It’s okay, Mom,” I whisper as she wraps her arms around my waist and starts rocking us gently from side to side. “You have nothing to be sorry for. You’re the best mom in the world, and you gave me the absolute best childhood. Maybe we never talked about sex or relationships, and maybe you never taught me how to throw a punch if someone is mean to me, but I’m a good person because of you. I’m kind, and I’m polite, and I’m understanding, and I’m loyal, because you taught me to be all those things. And those are pretty good things if you ask me.”

She raised me the only way she knew how. She raised me the same way her mother raised her, and there’s nothing wrong with that. She’s crying even harder now, and I don’t like it one bit. I love that she opened up to me, but I never, ever want to see my mom this upset or feel so horrible about something like this, so I do my best to put an end to it.

“I’m sorry I never screamed at you when I was a teenager, or slammed my door, or ignored you for days at a time. If it will help, I will get up from this couch right now, storm down the hall, and slam my old bedroom door twice. I can even dramatically shout, ‘Oh my God, you’re ruining my life!’ if it will make you feel better.”

My mom’s body shakes with laughter until I’m laughing right along with her and we’re both crying, laughing messes.

Aunt Margie scoots closer to me on the couch, and in between her sniffles and loud weeping, she wraps her arms around both of us.

“Oh this is just such a beautiful, beautiful moment. I love your cousins Harold, Jr., Robby, and Benjamin, but we never have beautiful moments like these,” Aunt Margie complains, hugging me and my mom so hard at this point that my face is smushed into the side of my mom’s, and I couldn’t speak now if I tried. “As soon as I get home, I’m going to call the boys and we’re going to talk. We’re going to talk about women, and we’re going to talk about sex, and it’s going to be beautiful!”

Oh I’m sure Harold, Jr., Robby, and Benjamin, who are all in their late twenties, will be just delighted to talk about sex with their mother, all because of me. I’m going to have to do a lot of apologizing at our next family get-together.

“Are you three finished with all that blubbering? CSI Miami will be on in five minutes, and I want my living room back,” my dad announces from the doorway.

The three of us pull apart, and when my dad is confident we’re finished with all our blubbering, he walks into the room and flops back down on his recliner. Pushing up from the couch, I start to head toward the hallway.

“Aren’t you going to watch CSI with me?” he asks.

I pause in the doorway, looking back at him over my shoulder before glancing at my mom.

“Nope, not tonight. I’m going to take a shower and think about a way to fix my problems.”

My mom tilts her head to the side and gives me a loving smile, pressing her hand over her heart.

“Robby, it’s mom,” Aunt Margie speaks, holding her cell phone up to her ear. “We never talked about what you should do when your fern stands at attention and it won’t go down. It’s natural, and it happens to every man, and you shouldn’t be ashamed. Robby? Hello, Robby? Uff da, stop screaming so I can finish explaining this to you!”





Chapter 30





“And I think that just about covers everything,” I speak into my microphone, finishing up episode ten of my podcast and glancing down at the timer on my audio file. “Wow, that took me three hours. I hope you guys didn’t get too bored. I was going to edit out my mother lecturing me about not serving you guys a tater tot hotdish or a cheeseball, and assuming this was a live radio show where she could answer listener questions when they called in, but I think I’ll keep it. It is part of my life, after all. Anyway, this is Heidi’s Discount Erotica, signing off.”