Don’t Let Me Go(71)

Billy looked at the extended hand for too long before taking it. But in time he did bring himself to take it, and be helped to his feet. He could feel his own hand trembling as Jesse pulled on it, and he knew Jesse could feel it, too.

“You went out, though,” Jesse said. “That was good.”

Oh, God. He knows. He knows everything.

“I have to practice,” Billy said in a shaky voice.

They walked down the hall together, toward Billy’s apartment door. Jesse had a hand on Billy’s shoulder. Apparently Jesse was smart enough to know a helium balloon when he saw one. He knew better than to let go.

Billy dug his keys out of his pocket with trembling hands and opened his door.

As he stepped back inside his familiar cocoon, everything drained away. Everything. His panic. His energy. His ability to think. Everything. It left him empty and hollow enough to echo, like a shell that washes up on the beach when the organism has vacated it through death.

He sat down hard on the couch and looked up at Jesse with dull eyes.

“I thought it was interesting,” Jesse said, “when you said you were going to Grace’s dance recital. I thought, Wow. If you’re agoraphobic, that’s a big statement to make.”

All is lost, Billy thought, though fortunately the thought was backed with little emotion. Jesse knows everything.

“I thought I could practice,” Billy said in barely over a whisper.

“You can,” Jesse said, sitting too close to him on the couch.

“Today was a glorious example.”

“Tomorrow will be better, because I’ll make you a copy of the key to the outside door.”

The cat came meowing around, and Billy picked her up and held her tightly, enjoying her warmth, the softness of her fur, and the rumble of her purring. Unfortunately, though, it forced a few more tears to slip past the guards. But it was too late, anyway. It was too late to hide who he was from Jesse.

“I don’t think one day will be time enough to recover.”

“OK. Day after tomorrow.”

“I don’t think I can,” Billy said, his face buried in cat fur.

“Want some help?”

Billy looked up, half aware of a cat hair in his eye. “What kind of help?”

“Want me to come along? It’s better if you’re not alone, right?”

“I wasn’t alone. Actually. I was walking to school with Rayleen and Grace. But then I had to go back, and they kept walking.”

“So if I came along, I could make sure you got back OK.”

It was too much, really. It was simply all too much. On the one hand, it brought a swell of elation to think of taking a walk with Jesse every morning. But like that? With Jesse as a nursemaid to make sure he got home without falling apart? It was simply too many emotions at once, and Billy had no capacity left to process them.

“I’m so ashamed,” Billy said.

“Why? Why should you be ashamed? I had an uncle who had agoraphobia and a panic disorder. He never tried to go out. The whole time I knew him. You tried.”

“I tried,” Billy said, parroting emptily. “I failed.”

“Big deal,” Jesse said. “So what? Keep trying.”





Grace



Billy held Grace’s hand as they walked up the stairs to Jesse’s.

He was dressed nicely, Billy, in a white sweater and jeans, and Rayleen had given him a haircut, and then she’d blow-dried his hair so it looked soft and fluffy and shiny. He looked like a regular person, just like anybody else. And, also, he was walking up the stairs to Jesse’s, just like anybody else. Maybe that little walk out of doors on Monday had done him good. Then again, four more school days had gone by, and Billy had ignored them all and stayed in. So, then again, maybe not.

“You’re doing good going upstairs,” Grace said, because her first-grade teacher had taught her that you should always say something positive and nice about somebody before you criticize.

“Thanks,” he said. He was never too talky outside his own apartment.

“But you are going to try walking to my school again, right?”

“Oh,” Billy said. As if she were just waking him up in the morning. “Oh. Right. That. Yeah. Tomorrow. Tomorrow I will.”

“Tomorrow’s Sunday. You missed the whole rest of the week. You know this has to be Saturday, because if this wasn’t Saturday, then this wouldn’t be the first day everybody could come to the smudging meeting all at the same time. Did you really not know that?”

“I guess I was doing my best not to think about it,” he said.

Grace had been all set to argue with him, but then she didn’t, because she thought that was a very honest answer.

By now they were standing in the upstairs hall in front of what used to be Mr. Lafferty’s apartment, and it made Grace’s tummy nervous, because, the last few times she’d been here, it had been weird, even if the last time did end on a great note with the arrival of the cat. Billy’s hand got a little tighter on hers, too, and she didn’t think it could be for the same reason, but she didn’t know what reason it could be.

“Jesse is going to come along next time we walk,” he said.

“Why?”

“For moral support.”

“What’s so immoral about it?”