Don’t Let Me Go(76)

“Ah,” Billy said, placing his hands on his knees and levering to his feet. “I’ll just make a pot of coffee.”

? ? ?

When he arrived back in his own living room with the two mugs of coffee, all prepared to ask Rayleen what she took in hers, he found her curled into his big easy chair with her knees to her chest, her arms wrapped around her knees, her face buried.

She was crying.

“Hey,” he said quietly, sitting on the ottoman near her knees. “Hey, hey. What’s wrong? You’re scaring me. Don’t scare me. Don’t forget I’m supposed to be the emotional one.”

Rayleen’s face emerged and she smiled sadly. Just a hint of a little smile. Her make-up was slaughtered, mascara smeared on to her cheeks.

“You don’t have the monopoly,” she said.

“No, but I still do it better than anybody else. Tell me what’s wrong.”

“I just have issues with men, is all. I’m not trusting. It’s a very old leftover from when I was nine and got myself thrown into the foster-care system. And that’s all I’m going to say about that, because…well, because that’s all I’m going to say about that. I don’t talk about that time.”

Billy could hear the hoarseness forming in her throat. Maybe from crying, but probably not. Probably from the cat. He wondered if he should remind her, the way she and Grace were nice enough to remind him when he was so upset he didn’t realize he was standing out in the hall. Oh, but that was in the old days, wasn’t it? This morning he’d stood by Grace’s school, though not for long.

He set Rayleen’s mug on the arm of her chair.

He sat quietly for a moment, warming his hands on his coffee cup. Not because they were cold, but because his own coffee, with his own cream, in his own mug, hadn’t changed. Wasn’t even in the process of changing. So he stayed as close to it as possible.

“You get along fine with Felipe and me,” he said, knowing he had to say something.

“You and Felipe aren’t trying to get any closer.”

“True.”

“I don’t think I can do this.”

“So don’t.”

“But I keep thinking about what Jesse said. About Lafferty. How we should use him as a reminder to be less afraid. And I keep thinking…oh, my God, can you imagine ending up like Lafferty?”

“You couldn’t. Don’t even stress about that. It couldn’t happen. You’re not that mean.”

“But I’m that shut off from everybody.”

“No. That’s not true. You’re not. Look what you’re doing for Grace.”

Rayleen laughed ruefully, then sniffled. Billy jumped up and brought her a box of tissues.

“I guess what I meant is, I was that shut off. Until she came along. And now I’m in this sort of no-man’s-land in-between. And it’s really uncomfortable.”

“I hear you,” Billy said.

“Oh. Right,” Rayleen said. “Right. You do know. I forgot. Here I am thinking you have no idea how scary this is. But I guess you do. I guess you know it’s about as scary for me as walking down to Grace’s school is for you. God, Billy. What do I do? What would you do if it were you?”

Just for a split second, Billy allowed himself to step into the imaginary role of the lucky human about to date Jesse. Then he stepped out again, in self-defense.

“Well, I just walked down to Grace’s school. Does that answer the question? Look. Don’t make it so all-or-nothing. Don’t try to decide whether to marry him. Just go out for coffee with him. Just go out with him once. You know. Have a conversation. No more for now.”

“Oh. Yeah. OK. I could do that. Huh?”

Billy sipped his coffee, calming the live wire in his chest that wanted him to be alone. So much strain for one day. He didn’t answer, thinking she had answered herself.

“Oh, wait. No. I can’t do that,” Rayleen nearly shouted, sounding relieved. “I have Grace in the evenings.”

Billy cocked one eyebrow at her.

“Right. Like you couldn’t leave her with me for three hours to go on a date.”

“Shit,” Rayleen said, and dropped her face back into her hands.

“My God, Rayleen, you’re as bad as I am. Look, if I can walk down to Grace’s school, you can go on one date with one very nice guy.”

She looked up from her hands.

“You know what? That’s actually true.”

“And here’s another thing to consider. Jesse’s really good at calming terrified people.”

Rayleen laughed. It was a wonderful sound. Natural and unforced. Light, like something that could float halfway to the ceiling. Clear, like Jesse’s singing bowl when you struck it.

She leaned forward and threw her arms around Billy and held him tightly. Too tightly, but he didn’t complain.

“You’re so damn sweet, Billy,” she said.

“Thanks,” he said. “You do know you’re in an apartment with a cat, right?”

“Oh, shit,” Rayleen said. “What was I thinking? I thought it was just the crying. I have to go. Can I take the coffee? I could use it. I’ll bring the cup back.”

She kissed him on the cheek and hurried out.

Billy sighed and put himself to bed again.