Don't Let Me Fall(39)

I needed to help Jon bring these two upstairs and into separate beds. I’m so f-ucking nice. “I’ll walk you home,” Jon said.

“No, don’t be an idiot. It’s just a waste of time for you to walk back and forth. And I live two minutes away,” I said.

“It’s dark out and there are crazy people out there.”

“Okay...”

“Becka, I know what happened in Seattle.”

I didn’t know my body could deflate as fast as it did. How does he know? Who told him? Why is telling me this? f-uck, who told him?!

“Adam was bored so he checked you out on the internet,” Jon said. “He found the article.”

I turned my back to him and started walking down the stairs. I can’t do this. It’s out there. I never looked online but I didn’t think it’d be out in the open. I thought Alice’

s parents would take care of it. I guess they want the whole world to know how disgusting and worthless I am.

“Rebeckah,” Jon ran down the stairs quietly and grabbed my arm. “He didn’t tell anyone. I didn’t tell anyone,” he said in a soft whisper. “Going through something like that

is hard so I get if you’re upset but just know we won’t talk about it.”

I feel myself giving up.

Thinking about it. It drains me.

“If you want to talk, I’m here,” he said.

Why do people care? If I talk, I mean. Why do I have to talk about it? Get over it? Stop feeling the way I do when I think about it?

Why can’t it just be something I know and live with? Something that tears me apart and only me. I don’t want other people to know. Because they’ll hate me. Just like everyone

back in Seattle does. Just like Alice’s family does.

“Make sure to check on A,” I said turning on my heel. “In case he throws up again.”

I walked out of the house and made my feet move in front of the other until I was home. I’ll have to get up super early to get the car but I don’t mind. I doubt I’ll be sleeping

tonight because I know that if I close my eyes, I’ll see it.

And I’ll lose my mind.



- 9 -



It’s been five days since that whole thing with Jon telling me he knows about Seattle and I can’t sleep anymore. I’ll probably get in maybe an hour then I jerk awake and I can’t

sleep afterwards.

It’s Finn’s birthday and he went out with friends. Where I got dragged to because Kelsey came with and Matty didn’t let ‘I don’t want to go’ be an answer. I had to skip work

for a few hours so I’m staying late tonight and I actually don’t mind. I can’t sleep. I can work.

I honestly don’t know how I worked or how I drove home at four in the morning but I did. I’m here, lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, running my finger over my scar.

“I love you, Becka. Always.”

Alice’s voice crawled into my head and I smiled. I closed my eyes and turned on my side. If she were alive, she’d be on the other side of my bed when I open my eyes. We always

slept together on whoever’s bed was where we landed. We were like one. Always together.

I opened my eyes and stared at the empty side of the bed.

She’s not there. She’ll never be here again.

I grabbed my phone and texted Logan. We’re not dating but we’re moving in that direction. I got over the whole piss-on-my-leg-because-you’re-the-alpha shit and didn’t bring it

up again. He did it because he saw the way Jon was looking at me. He was telling the world (bar) to back the f-uck off. And it worked. Well the flirting still happens but no one

gets extra dirty with me.

Me: Are you awake?

I stared at the screen until my eyes hurt. He’s probably sleeping. It is four something in the morning. Any sane person should be sleeping at this time.

I clicked my phone off and stared at my bed in the dark. I need to do something. And the urge to off myself is coming back.

I need Logan.

I am using him.

But not in a bad way.

We haven’t had sex since that first time so I’m not considering myself a crazy person who turns to sex so I don’t kill myself. I just text him and talk to him and the urge goes

away. I get involved in whatever story he tells me and everything just turns to dust. I’m not crazy or having bad thoughts when he tells me about Darren walking into his room

hoping I’m there. Naked.

My phone vibrated and I attacked it like it was water and I’ve been in a desert for a few days.

Logan: Now I am

Me: Oh...sorry. Go back to sleep then

Logan: Can’t.

Logan: Texting you makes it seem like you’re here

I blushed when I reread that. Who wouldn’t?

Me: Can I come?

Logan: Depends on how many times ;)

Me: I meant come over, horny bastard

Logan: Will you stay for more than 5 min

I like to drop by around six to say hi, kiss him, steal his chips and then leave. I can’t help it. I like being around him. Just not constantly. I’m not a clinger so I need to

leave.

Me: Idk

Logan: On?

I tapped my phone as I thought about it. I can say what is really on my mind (his penis, his lips, his body, his penis!) or I can just tell him that I’m bored. Being bored around