Dear Heart, You Screwed Me(6)

I could do this, I knew I could.

Everything just felt like a battle. I hadn’t been in therapy for over a year now, I could finally talk about what happened with Elijah without crying which was apparently a good sign when it came to the grieving process. Even though I still cried at times when I thought about him, I am only human. The pain is still so raw, and even though it had been two years, I was scared that the pain that seared through my heart would never leave. I mean, how could it? How do you get over the one person that was made for you? I truly believe he was my soulmate, but maybe this was a sign from the universe that we just weren’t meant to be.

Or was it that he was my first love.

The one to help me grow and find out who I was. The one to give me a hard life lesson to see what I truly wanted.

But what if it was him that I wanted? I just wanted him. Me and him.

We were planning for babies, lots of babies. But we never got lucky. We stopped trying after he wanted to further his career and work his way up the stock market ladder, but we weren’t being careful if you get my drift. We tried for two years, and once Elijah got his break in his job, we were going to book an appointment with a fertility doctor to see if we could find what the issue was, if there even was an issue.

But alas, we never got there.

I knew I wanted children; I knew I didn’t want to find anyone else to start a family with, so I made the choice to do the parenting gig on my own. I wanted to start my job, find my feet, and then look at being artificially inseminated.

But that was my three-year plan, I was nowhere near ready at the moment.

I had to focus on my life here for a moment, find my feet and get my foot firmly in the door at my new job.

“Right,” I called out to the room as if someone was here. Throwing the heavy duvet back I padded into the bathroom, turning the shower on. The room quickly filled with steam; rubbing the condensation off the mirror I smiled to myself.

“Here is to day one of our new adventure.” I said to myself, my voice chirpy as I tried my best to sound upbeat and happy.

Inhaling and exhaling deeply, I dropped my pyjamas and stepped under the hot shower, letting the water sting my skin. It was welcomed. To feel anything other than grief-stricken pain.

Once showered I towelled myself off and made my way back into the room. I had no clue what to wear. The sun was beginning to break behind the clouds, but on checking my weather last night on my phone it said the sun was going to be hot. I needed something to keep me cool, but also so I didn’t burn.

Opting for a cute, cap-sleeved oversized tee and high waisted denim shorts, I slipped my feet into my sandals. I ran my fingers through my golden blonde hair, I loosened the waves that had formed from not drying my hair last night.

I wasn’t a girly girl; I didn’t really care much for my appearance as such.

Flicking my lashes with a light coating of mascara, I dabbed some concealer under my dark bags and smudged some clear gloss onto my plump lips.

Nodding at myself in the mirror and happy with the way I looked, I grabbed my phone and my rucksack and decided to go for breakfast. It was still early but that suited me. I could do with some quiet time to calm my nerves before I had to meet Julianne this morning.

Opening the door, I turned quickly and grabbed my key card. I would be pretty useless without that. Shaking my head, I closed the door behind me and turned the sign for the house keeping. I had made my bed and tidied, but I guess they would still want to come in and freshen it up.

Walking slowly down the long halls, I took my time. I didn’t want to rush, I had no need. If one thing Elijah’s death has taught me, it’s that I need to make the most out of my life. Appreciate the little things. The birds singing, the sun shining, the sound of rain belting down and hitting the windows. All the stuff you take for granted, that’s what people miss the most.

It’s not the grand gestures, the thousands of pounds in the bank.

It’s the memories and experiences.

If you died tomorrow, your boss would replace you easily. Your money would go to whoever and you would still be buried in the ground with nothing.

You come to the world with nothing. You leave the world with nothing.

Everything is materialistic.

But not your memories. They go with you beyond the grave… to well, wherever you end up. I was pulled from my deep and morbid thoughts when I was greeted by a young girl, smiling at me as she showed me to a table.

“Are you expecting anyone else?” she asked, her eyes glistening, her perfect smile still sitting on her beautiful face.

“No, just me.” I shrugged, a sad smile on my face.

“Oh, okay. That’s not a problem,” she nodded curtly. “I’m Connie, by the way.”

“Reese,” I smiled.

“Nice to meet you, Reese. If you ever need anything, toiletries, room service, a friend… just give me a shout.”

“That would be lovely, I could use a friend,” I laughed.

“Then I’m your girl. I get off at six, how about I show you the town?” she pulled the chair out and sat opposite me, lifting the jug of water off the table and pouring me a glass.

I hesitated for a moment trying to think of an excuse to why I couldn’t go. But then, I heard Elijah’s voice in my head.

Go.

I swallowed the large, burning fire lump down deep in my throat before I could let the sting in my eyes get worse and nodded.